


The State I'm In (aka How I realised my anxiety was homosexual panic and learned to accept myself by Zoe Evans)

by Ana_Khouri



Category: Frankie (TV 2013)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-11-23 05:47:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11396562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ana_Khouri/pseuds/Ana_Khouri
Summary: Zoe realises she’s gay.  And then tries her damnedest not to be gay for Frankie.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So per canon this actually accepts the stalking with minimal problematising (I think I’m less forgiving than canon) and the stalking ups a notch. I’m in no way trying to advocate stalking - especially of the home invasion variety cause I know it’s Zoe Evans but that shit be scary. 
> 
> A tremendous thank you to **Midlifelez** for doing an _amazing_ betaing job - including fixing my massive lack of comma issue and sorting out the residual Americanisms. Any bits left are completely down to me (especially as I had a tendency to add whole sections upon reading it again...).

_There is love in your body but you can't get it out_  
_It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth_  
_Sticks to your tongue and shows on your face_  
_That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste_  
_-Florence and the Machine_

* * *

 

Zoe felt the glass smash against the arm of her leather jacket like a wave of relief. If she could get in she could talk to Frankie; if she could talk to Frankie maybe she could stop the annoying buzzing in her brain every time the other woman was around, milling in her chest and stomach like anger but lighter and harder.

She hadn’t meant for it to come to this but the compulsion to scare her, to know she was unraveling, to prove she wasn’t perfect - Zoe needed these things. She needed to prove that she herself wasn’t broken for feeling so untethered.

She opened the patio door and entered, shutting it quietly behind her. She could hear the shower on upstairs and realised she would have to wait. Sitting herself on the ottoman in the centre of the living room she marked each moment, hands folding and unfolding in her lap in an attempt to ease the compulsion to clean, pace, do anything but sit still with this feeling inside her. She spotted the landline and shot up, following the wire to the wall and unplugging it before sitting down again, nodding at herself for her forethought. A few moments later her eyes rested on Frankie’s mobile on the dinning table and she again stood abruptly, crossing the room and putting it in her pocket with a self-satisfied ‘Humph’ before sitting again. Waiting.

When Frankie finally came in she did so without noticing her, walking straight past her to the mantle.

“You changed your locks,” Zoe stated without preamble, “Why did you do that?”

Frankie jumped, shock on her face. “How did you get in here?”

Zoe replied, walking through her various attempts as her seemingly sensible explanation fell apart in the face of Frankie’s astonishment.

"I'm not mad," she tried to convince her, knowing that made it sound worse, trying to stay calm and rational while her thoughts spun out of control.

“I know it seems mad, I know this is the worst thing I could do, but there you go these things happen,” she clarified, her stomach clenching at the fear-laced confusion on Frankie’s face.

“So the stalking and the ironing and the videoing, that was you,” Frankie replied, her brow furrowed, arms across her chest, and Zoe felt her own hands grasping in front of her, desperate for reassurance from the mostly unconscious action. “You stole my bag and you came in here and you terrified me,” she added, before Zoe could respond.

“Can’t do right for doing wrong then,” Zoe responded, trying to keep her voice cavalier as she tried to process what was happening. “You’re very vulnerable you know,” she added matter-of-factly as she realised how easily she had gotten in.

“I’m sorry, I’m finding this really very confusing,” Frankie responded, arms uncrossing, hands splayed in front of her before retracting back to her chest. “Why are you here?" she asked forcefully.

Zoe could feel the anger in Frankie’s voice. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“Because,” she instinctively responded before pausing, her mind grasping for the reasons that fluttered just out of reach. She knew only that she needed to be here, that something was compelling her into Frankie's space.

“To warn you,” she responded, standing from the ottoman and cloaking herself in the steel of her frustration. “Time you stopped undermining me; to mark your card.”

That was the base of it all surely? The fact that Frankie disrespected her?

Frankie’s eyes shot to her landline, a flash of fear on her face.

“If you’re thinking about calling someone forget it, I’ve unplugged the phone and your mobile is in my pocket, it’s the only way I could make you listen,” she responded, the satisfaction of her thoroughness marred by the pain sparking behind her eyes at Frankie’s expression. None of this was coming out right.

Zoe let Frankie make her tea, hoped it would help calm the situation that was spinning out of control, but her anger was the only thing in her head that made sense and so she held on to it.

“You could lose your job the way you talk to me,” she lashed out again. It was comfortable, it was sensible, but it wasn’t what she wanted, wasn’t what she meant. “You think you can get away with anything, don’t you. You, with your optimism and your… your big smile and your can-do,” she enumerated, her voice cracking because these were the things that made Frankie special and she respected them even as they infuriated her, made her feel insignificant.

She watched Frankie pour the milk.

“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you,” Frankie responded calmly, face slack, lips even.

Zoe watched her as she picked up the two mugs and walked past her to the other room, confused by the passivity of the woman who was anything but. Was she fobbing her off?

“You think it will be that easy to win me over?” Zoe asked as they entered the dining room, Frankie placing tea down for both of them and pulling out a chair for Zoe.

“I watch you and your team…,” Zoe reminded her, “…men falling at your feet. You can’t get me like that,” she stated, wondering what that had to do with this. She focused on her own words as she sat down, trying to contextualise them and get back to the point, but her mind was foggy. She fought through the haze to find something connected, anything to stop the confusion obfuscating the purpose that had once seemed so clear.

“John Strider,” she remarked conversationally, her eyes flittering to the space to her right, “Do you know John?” she asked, meeting Frankie’s eyes.

“Yes, Dr Strider,” Frankie replied, a smile brightening her face. The smile was superficial but it was better than the hesitancy of a moment ago and it spurred Zoe on.

“Senior partner and a good friend,” Zoe explained, eyes shifting to Frankie’s left as she pressed her lips together. She swallowed, trying to hold back the pain of that memory of John’s face, traced with concern.

“He’s worried about me,” she acknowledged, looking to Frankie again, “Depressed,” she added, making quotation marks with her hands to show her disregard even as the pit in her chest grew cold, her eyes struggling to keep the tears at bay.

She breathed, some of the tension subsiding as she pushed it away, retreating into what she knew was true.

“But I’m not,” she continued, “I’ve done everything right my whole life: I worked hard, I studied hard, I…” she hesitated. James. A painful wound she thought would’ve at least scabbed over by now, “…married well.”

Her voice continued, the boys, but her thoughts were still on her marriage. It wasn’t just that the memory was scarred by James’s infidelity but that it felt hollow for her; that although it had been the practical decision there had always been something missing.

Frankie’s voice broke in, pulling her from her thoughts.

“So much to think about you see,” she continued before pausing. She tried unsuccessfully to process Frankie’s words, to hear what she had just said.

“What?” she asked, turning towards her, confused. Frankie gestured to the cup before Zoe.

“Oh. Yes. Sorry,” she heard herself say as she reached for the cup and took a sip.

She felt the tea warm her, forcing her thoughts to slow down. Her eyes fell closed.

“If I could just switch off,” she wished out loud, wanting clarity back in her mind “If there was a switch,” she added, opening her eyes again. She raised them to the ceiling. “I’m so tired,” she confessed, looking at Frankie, brow furrowing as she tried to read her expression.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, hating the pity in her eyes.

“I think you’re in some sort of crisis and need some help and support,” Frankie replied, her voice calm and conciliatory, almost placatory, in a way she had heard so many others do with their patients.

“That complaint,” Zoe insisted, anger flaring within her, “Liana Cordon. You tried to ruin me,” she reminded Frankie, who continued to watch her with that softly insistent, almost patronising stare.

“That was you complaining about me, Zoe,” Frankie replied, and Zoe searched her memory to match up the truth - surely it had been the other way around?

The door buzzer rang and she jumped out of the chair, instinctively grabbing the scissors beside her on the table: something, anything, to equip herself. She peered through the hallway doorframe, trying to assess who it was.

“I’m going to answer the door,” Frankie stated behind her, and Zoe heard her get up before she spun around.

“No,” she snapped.

“I’m sorry, this is not acceptable now,” Frankie replied, but her eyes fell to the scissors and she backed off.

“I haven’t finished,” Zoe exclaimed, not sure what her goal was but knowing she hadn’t achieved it yet.

Andy called through the post flap but Zoe kept her eyes fixed on Frankie, keeping her in place.

“Not a word,” she insisted softly, gesturing with the scissors as Frankie sat back down.

She heard the post flap creak shut.

“It’s Andy, he knows I’m in,” Frankie explained as Zoe looked to the front door and back, feeling the walls of the house pressing forward.

“You’re not going to hurt anyone,” Frankie continued, her face almost smug with confidence, “ you wouldn’t…”

“I know you’ve got everyone on your side,” Zoe uttered, cutting her off as she held the scissors tighter. “But all I’ve ever wanted was this, you and me talking, putting things right,” she explained, hating the sound of desperation in her voice.

“Please put them down,” Frankie asked, her voice steady.

Zoe felt the control slip from her grasp, looking down at the scissors as panic began to close in on her. She fell back on work, on how she tried, how she always tried but nothing was ever good enough.

“Okay,” Frankie interrupted her, standing and taking a step forward.

“You can’t shut me up like that,” Zoe barked back, her voice shaking despite her attempts to hold herself together, knuckles white around the scissors in her hand. Scissors she knew made this whole situation even worse.

“Please, please just put them down and we can go through to the kitchen and make a nice supper,” Frankie offered, pity and conciliation on her face.

“I’m not stupid,” Zoe acknowledged, “I know we can’t go back as if nothing’s happened,” she continued, her voice wavering beyond her control as she began to understand the extent of what she had done.

She fell into a spiralling panic. “My partners won’t want me, my husband doesn’t want me, I’ve outlived my usefulness.” She felt the words of self-recrimination fall around her like bricks.

There was another knock on the door and she turned; she had forgotten that Andy was outside.

“Frankie, it’s me,” came another voice she recognised.

She felt fingers wrap around the hand grasping the scissors and it loosened at the touch. The tension in her body collapsed at the contact as Frankie took the scissors before squeezing her hand in reassurance.

“Five minutes,” Frankie called to the men at the door.

Zoe met her eyes, the sympathy in them overwhelming her as the warmth of Frankie’s hand withdrew.

Zoe lost the battle against her tears as her face contorted with the pain she failed to keep at bay, Frankie comforting her despite everything she had just said, everything she had just done. She covered her face with her hands, forcing herself into a state of reasonable composure, knowing that Frankie was watching with her infuriating compassion. She forced herself to breathe, trying to steady her respiration as she turned back to the ottoman and sat down.

“I’ll be struck off,” Zoe whispered, when she had reclaimed use of her voice.

“Why? No one knows about this, just you and me,” Frankie replied matter-of-factly, hovering a few feet away.

“And them outside,” she pointed out, hating the fact her voice was still shaking.

“No, they don’t need to know anything,” Frankie countered calmly.

“But you’ve been to the police,” Zoe reminded her, hesitantly looking up.

“And they were useless; you’re the master criminal,” Frankie responded. It felt like a combination of assurance and judgement. “Think about your boys,” she added.

“They won’t care, they won’t even notice,” Zoe responded, feeling their absence like dual sinking holes in her chest. She focused on that pain, something that made sense, as she tried to use it to tamp down the rest of the chaos inside her.

She heard Frankie crouch down beside her, catching sight of her in her peripheral vision.

“This is empty nest syndrome Zoe, this is such a bad case of empty nest syndrome, and it’s come on top of other things,” Frankie stated, and it felt good to be diagnosed as she tried to pigeonhole her feelings into that narrow definition. The sensible definition. One that ignored the something else that boiled within her, a cauldron of self-loathing. “And the thing is, you’re exhausted,” Frankie added.

Zoe nodded, swallowing down everything she couldn’t understand and focusing on what she knew to be true: she was exhausted.

“And nothing that’s happened here tonight is terrible,” Frankie remarked.

Zoe exhaled as she met Frankie’s eyes in disbelief.

“Not really, no not really,” Frankie confirmed and Zoe felt the tension start to ease as she tried to believe her, tried to trust the woman before her, who had no reason to be sitting here trying to help her after everything she had done.

“You’re exhausted and a bit brokenhearted and I promise you, you will recover and you will put things right again, I promise you,” Frankie assured her.

Zoe looked away incredulously before her eyes fell to her lap. “There you go again, promising things,” she replied, feeling hope swell in her chest nonetheless, frightened by its presence.

“I never learn,” Frankie replied, pulling her lips together in a wry smile as Zoe’s eyes briefly met her face.

“Just you and I know what went on here tonight and we can sort this out,” Frankie reassured.

Zoe searched Frankie’s face, trying to understand how she could have such belief in her.

“You always think you can make things right,” she pointed out, feeling the edge of the thing that was cold and deep inside her.

“Sometimes we can,” came Frankie’s unsurprising response as she met Zoe’s eyes with an honest compassion.

She felt it then, that connection to another person, and it made her realise how long she had been keeping people at arm’s length. She looked away, lost in the memory of what should’ve been.

“My life was going to be…I was going to do so much,” she uttered nostalgically, the words aching in her chest as she realised how much of her life had been a denial.

“Step back into the frame Zoe,” Frankie encouraged, and she felt it again, that hope flare in her chest.

“Is there anyone I can call for you? Dr Strider?” Frankie offered.

Zoe felt the flash of panic as she realised she needed to leave. She knew she couldn’t stay here forever but stepping away from this seemed precarious as her own insecurities rose against her. She swallowed hard and nodded, pulling Frankie’s phone out of her pocket and handing it over before retrieving her own and finding John’s number.

She watched Frankie dial silently, pacing in front of her as the phone rang.

“Hi Dr Strider, it’s Frankie Maddox. Yes, Nurse Maddox. Sorry to call so late. I’m with Zoe. She’s a little tearful and needs a friend to talk to and I was hoping you’d be able to meet us at her house?”

Frankie met Zoe’s eyes occasionally as she spoke and Zoe felt relief in those moments, a renewal of strength that dissipated as quickly as it had come.

“Good. Thank you. See you soon,” Frankie continued into the phone, pausing in front of Zoe and smiling as she hung up.

“He’ll meet us there in 15,” she confirmed, meeting Zoe’s eyes as her lips fell into a contemplative line.

“Thank you,” Zoe replied as she nodded, swallowing the worry as she stood and followed Frankie to the door.

Frankie opened the door for her as she grabbed her keys and Zoe walked past Andy and Ian with as much nonchalance as she could muster.

“The door’s open, I’ll see you later,” she heard Frankie announce to the men outside as she made her way to Frankie’s car, appreciating the carefree tenor even if she could hear the slight stress of it.

The drive was quiet apart from the occasional direction and yet it was comforting in a way that surprised her, that silence between them.

It didn’t take long to get to her house and Zoe felt the foreboding seep under her skin as soon as Frankie pulled into her driveway.

"Well it's big but it's not ugly," Frankie uttered with a forced upbeat.

"It was a wonderful family home. I hate it now, with a vengeance," she replied, surveying the building beside them, her tongue between her teeth as she bit down on it.

“Bloody men, eh?” Frankie offered. Zoe tried to connect to that but couldn’t as she tried to keep up the strength to do this, to leave the security of Frankie’s forgiveness.

There was a moment of silence then and Zoe looked down at her lap, trying to get up the courage to acknowledge what she had done.

“I’m..um… sorry,” she apologised without looking up. It seemed like such a little thing forced to convey so much, “…I..um..”

"Not a problem, honestly," Frankie replied, cutting her off faster than seemed sensible considering what she had done. "It’s men, that’s the thing, they shake us up," she added and Zoe nodded. James. Somehow she hadn't really thought of him much, couldn't feel the mess within her stemming from that alone.

She heard the car pull into the driveway before Frankie announced John’s presence and Zoe found herself watching the car behind them with an encroaching feeling of dread.

Frankie continued to speak, absently summarising the conversation with John as Zoe forced herself to be okay.

“Will you be alright?” Frankie asked, the concern clear in her voice.

Zoe turned to her for a moment and nodded. “I will, yes,” she responded, glad her voice didn’t betray her as she shifted her gaze, pressed her lips together, and swallowed the lie.

She glanced over at Frankie who was watching John in the rear-view mirror, needing something else, wishing there was a way to convey how much her compassion meant. She had leaned over and kissed Frankie on the cheek before she even identified the impulse - the momentary connection giving her strength as she hastily exited the car, the warmth still playing across her lips as she met John at her front door.

She felt herself change into work mode as soon as she stepped past him, taking strength from Frankie’s belief in her to reclaim the professional persona she worked so hard to maintain as she opened the door and let them in.

*

Zoe shut the door behind John, turning back to the empty house with a sigh. He seemed happy enough to accept that she wasn’t sleeping and it was making it hard to deal with the fact she no longer saw her children, but now that he was gone the facade she had been maintaining since she left Frankie's car fell apart and she felt the emptiness return. The pain settled itself in her gut and she pressed her fist against her stomach, trying to push away the emotional pain with the physical until she realised it wasn’t helping. She took a deep breath. John had suggested getting rid of James’s things, clearing the house of him and he had been right. She had been living in her life as if nothing had changed for too long, and clearing away the debris might give her the clarity of thought she was fighting so hard for. Her hands went to her lips absently, remembering the warmth of Frankie’s cheek against them as she spurred herself to action and climbed the stairs.

She sat for a long time on the bed staring blankly ahead, wanting to move but held by some sort of self-hating defiance as the pain in her gut swelled and ebbed. She tried to focus on James, on his betrayal, but felt her mind wandering to Frankie and the completely unfounded belief she had in her. She stood then, pulling the suitcase of out the closet and putting it on the bed. She opened it, relieving herself of her rings first and foremost, and the freedom of that gesture propelled her onward. She pulled out his shirts, trousers and jackets, methodically emptying his wardrobe into the suitcase before closing it. Hunting in the closet for another suitcase and grabbing a bin bag she started with any of the smaller things he had left, packing his filing, CDs, DVDs while she threw away his travel bottles of aftershave and soap and anything that was hers and reminded her of him.

After two suitcases and three bin bags (one of rubbish and two for charity) she sat back down on the bed. In some ways she felt relief at the cleansing, realising she hadn’t let herself move on, but the deep, abiding emptiness returned. It forced its way beneath her shell and buried itself in her gut as she broke apart with the sudden force of it, tears welling in her eyes as she tried to push them away. The tether that had been holding her on solid ground slipped from her grasp and she flailed in the darkness for something, anything that made sense in this new world.

Her mind flashed to the broken glass of Frankie’s door, the image surprising her, but there had been such surety in that moment and she craved that now. She thought of Frankie, so sure of herself, and wanted that belief, wished she could hold on to something as tightly as Frankie held on to her seemingly vast-less optimism. How could she not see that Zoe was broken? How could she forgive everything she had done? She bit her lip, recognising the need building in her, that destructive and self-destructive impulse that enabled the stalking. She felt it spiral into something more complicated, a desire to capture-ruin-treasure her as a symbol of the sanity she couldn’t maintain and the forgiveness she didn’t deserve.

She took a deep breath and forced herself to remain still for a few moments, breathing, knowing sleep would help but afraid, as always, that it would never come. She watched herself as if she was another person, changing into her bedclothes, brushing her teeth, washing her face, pulling down the covers. She was mildly aware of the cool sheets against her skin as her head fell back on the pillow, her nightly anxiety returning. She opened her bedside drawer, grabbing a sleeping pill and two codeine, as she made her way back to the bathroom for some water, determined to knock herself out.

She downed the pills and put the glass down, staring at herself for a moment in the bathroom mirror with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. She turned away, switching off the light and heading back to bed. The bedside clock read 11:42. She leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes, listening to the quiet around her as she tried to focus on the pills breaking apart and flowing through her blood stream, sedating her.

*

Zoe awoke with a start, desperately trying to catch her breath as her heart raced. It was 12:33. She tried to ease her breathing as she looked around, feeling the room close in on her. With panic looming she got out of bed and pulled on her clothes from the previous day, grabbing her jacket and her keys before leaving the house. The blast of evening air did nothing to alleviate her need to run, to escape the hulking monstrosity of a life that sat behind her in the form of her house. She looked to the empty spot usually occupied by her car and cursed the fact she had left it by Frankie's, taking off on foot into the night. As the cool air filled her lungs and the exertion began to focus her body she remembered the dream that had woken her - her first boyfriend chasing her down dark alleys, running away from him like her life depended on it until he was suddenly in front of her. It was at that point she had awoken with a start.

She remembered Simon, the man she had dated before James, with a mixture of resentment and guilt. He was the first man she slept with and although he had been kind and patient she remembered feeling only discomfort and indifference. He took that as a sign that he had failed somehow and she took it to mean she was broken. They tried again a few nights after the first attempt with similar results and the guilt quickly manifested as bitterness - their relationship ending shortly after. When she met James she had done her research, knew how to fake it, and although she had hoped the desire would come, it never did. He eventually gave up trying to entice her and had probably been having an affair with his secretary for years before he left her. It had been his choice but she felt that same guilt, the pain of not being good enough.

Before she realised where she was heading she was down the road from Frankie’s. She saw her car, parked in its usual spot - the place she went when she needed involvement in something that wasn’t her own life. She took a breath, following her earlier steps towards Frankie’s. She knew she shouldn’t be making this mistake again but she needed to see her, needed something that wasn’t this mess in her skull. She let herself in the backdoor, careful to avoid the broken glass from before, and slowly ascended the stairs, careful not to wake Frankie for fear of scaring her.

Frankie’s door was ajar and she hesitated at the entrance, listening, before pushing it open. Frankie was on her back on the bed, one hand stretched under the pillow to her left, the other above her head. Zoe walked in, the sight relieving her somehow, as if she didn’t really believe Frankie was real until she saw her again. She stood a few steps from the foot of the bed just watching her, her chest rising and falling as she slept, and tried to imagine what that peace felt like, the confidence of self that allowed her to sleep so easily.

She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, trying to bottle the feeling of Frankie’s contentment, but every time she tried to leave she felt the anxiety rise in her throat to choke her and so she remained, edging closer to ease the strain that came with thoughts of her own life. She eventually found herself pressed against the base of the bed, wood biting into her shin, and hesitated before climbing over it onto the mattress. She carefully manoeuvred herself above Frankie, knees to either side of the other woman’s hips as she leaned forward, her hands sliding against Frankie’s throat as she positioned her ear above her mouth. And it helped for a moment, the reassurance that she wasn’t just some mirage, but then Frankie shifted.


	2. Chapter 2

Frankie flopped down on her bed having just convinced Ian and Andy to leave. It had been a long day, only made more intense by Zoe Evans breaking in and threatening her with scissors. Talking her down had been exhausting but also enlightening, and in retrospect she could see the cracks in Zoe’s facade from weeks back - cries for help that had gone completely unheeded. She took a deep breath, trying to push the episode from her mind, but it replayed anyway as she drifted to sleep. 

_The matter-of-fact way she listed out her thought process for getting in the house…_

_The confusion on her face when she asked why she was here and the sudden defensiveness she fell back upon…_

_The desperation of her words as she literally begged for attention, pain etched across her face…_

_Watching as Zoe took in her house with a clear reluctance._

_‘It’s men, that’s the thing, they shake us up.’_

_Zoe meeting her eyes for the briefest moment with the glimmer of something unrecognisable in their depths…_

* 

Frankie wasn't sure at what point she had fallen asleep, but she was roused to half-consciousness by the shifting of her bed and a sudden weight on her hips. She forced her eyes open in the darkness as she felt fingers thread around her throat, hair brushing against her mouth. She instinctively gasped before the hands tightened, scrambling for the light as the grip loosened, the weight leaning back as the hands retreated.

With the light on, the form came into focus and she recognised Zoe's slightly perplexed face watching her intently, head cocked to the side, wearing her clothes and jacket from earlier. 

"Zoe, what are you doing here?" she asked, her heart pounding as she assessed her surroundings. There weren't any sharp objects in the vicinity and she doubted that Zoe would be able to strangle her but the pillows could cause a problem. She tried to shift subtly, only to realise how effectively she was pinned beneath Zoe's weight.

"I know how this must look but I'm not going to hurt you," Zoe assured, eyes wide, hands splayed out in the air as if to assure her before she intertwined them, holding them together tightly before her. "I couldn't sleep,” she confirmed, her eyes avoiding Frankie’s as they darted around the room before raising to the ceiling, “I thought if I could remember that some real breathing person doesn't think I'm a lost cause…” She trailed off, pressing her lips together before looking back at Frankie, her eyes wet, “…but here I am again, scaring the life out of you," she continued with a rueful chuckle before her face grew sombre again, her eyes clouding over and Frankie could see the internal struggle written across her face. 

“What is it going to take for you to realise I'm broken?" Zoe commanded, her voice raised and cracking with the force of her own self-hatred. Frankie felt the momentary shock of fear as she watched Zoe’s eyes widen again. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she repeated, “I won’t hurt you,” she added, looking down at her placement curiously before shifting herself next to Frankie on the bed.

Frankie sat up and pulled her legs towards her, a flicker of relief at no longer being pinned.

“I don’t know how to make it stop…” Zoe offered softly, the words choking from her mouth as if she lacked the air to fully form them. “I need to stop,” she almost whispered, dropping her eyes to her lap and covering her face with her hands. 

Frankie nodded at Zoe sympathetically, inching herself down the bed towards her. 

“You’re not broken, Zoe," she calmed, placing her hand cautiously to rub the other woman’s back, pulling herself closer when Zoe didn't react. "What did John say?" she asked with as much nonchalance as she could muster. 

"Pffft," Zoe exclaimed as she rubbed her eyes, "he told me to take some time off. But what would I do?" she asked, turning to Frankie helplessly. 

"You're right, men shake you up," she continued when Frankie didn't immediately respond. "Not you,” she added, her eyes locking to Frankie’s own. “You're a steady beat in my head," she remarked, leaning in close as her finger lightly brushed the spot a centimetre above Frankie's left eyebrow, her gaze intrusive in its vulnerability. 

Frankie held her eyes, trying to understand the pain she could sense buried deep. Zoe needed her to help, but she wasn’t sure she knew how. She did know that Zoe’s presence within her personal space was starting to feel invasive but she didn’t want to make any sudden movements, anything that would set her off. She felt Zoe’s breath, the confusion in her eyes momentarily clearing as the teasing edge of fingers pressed against her neck, a shock of lips against her own. The lips and fingers retreated as quickly as they had come, leaving Frankie breathless with surprise and confusion. 

Zoe backed away, biting her lower lip. “Thank you,” she offered softly as her eyes found the pillows. She stretched across the bed, laying her head on what had been Ian’s pillow, facing Frankie, and closed her eyes.

"Not the first colleague to kiss me today," Frankie muttered, humour her instinctual reaction as she watched Zoe, desperate to make some sense out of this situation. 

"Yes I am," Zoe replied, eyes still closed, gesturing to Frankie's clock with a lazy wave of her hand. It read 01:47. 

Frankie was momentarily flummoxed by the lucid comment as she turned from the clock to her recumbent colleague.

"Is that what this is about Zoe? Are you gay?" Frankie asked in the most carefully even voice she could muster. 

Zoe opened her eyes. "I have two kids," she replied flatly, as if Frankie had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world.

Frankie lay down, mirroring Zoe's pose with one hand in front her, meeting her still open eyes. 

"You know as well as I do that that doesn't mean anything," Frankie remarked. "Why did you kiss me Zoe?" she prompted, her voice softer. 

"I don't know," her beleaguered colleague replied with a complete lack of subterfuge, the vulnerability in her eyes piercing like a pain in Frankie's chest. She paused for a moment before continuing. “I just needed to feel for a moment," she added as she rested her hand on Frankie's and closed her eyes. 

"Zoe, you should go home," Frankie suggested, watching the other woman's face immediately cringe at the suggestion. 

"I just need some sleep," she replied with seeming clarity, opening her eyes to meet Frankie's with a desperate exhaustion. 

Frankie pressed her lips together in begrudgingly tacit agreement as she watched Zoe's eyes fall closed again, wondering how she was going to get any sleep herself. 

* * *

Zoe rolled over onto her back, better rested than she had been in months, wondering why something felt off. She opened her eyes and saw a foreign ceiling as she heard movement beside her. 

She jumped out of bed at the shock of it and the memories came flooding back as she realised where she was. Frankie lay on the other side of the bed facing her now vacated spot and still fast asleep. 

“No no no no no,” she muttered under her breath as she stood rooted to the spot for a moment, stuck on the edge of fleeing while knowing facing Frankie now would be easier than worrying about what she would do. 

She took a deep breath and made her way downstairs. She sat on the couch for a few moments, wondering when Frankie would get up, wondering what she would do if she needed to leave to get ready for work first. After a few moments trying to still the panic in her mind as she absently chewed her thumb, she got up and began to tidy. 

The action helped, settled her thoughts into a stream as she tried to figure out what had happened last night. Her thoughts had been a mess, a chaos where her actions had seemed sensible, necessary even, for reasons she could still feel but now recognised as problematic. She knew her sadness, anger, and sleep deprivation needed an outlet but why Frankie? 

The tears came suddenly as she realised it was because she knew Frankie, despite their history, would be the least likely to hurt her. She paused in her scrubbing of the sink, taking the gloves off and cupping her face in her hands as she tried to fight it off, this feeling of emptiness that had taken over her life. She had been living every day on autopilot, an empty shell, except when Frankie was around. There was a light in her that shone through the cracks in the wall she had buried herself behind, and she craved that light even as part of her wanted to destroy it. She had tried to rationalise it last night, base it all on the fact Frankie had tried to ruin her, but the excuse lacked substance and disappeared from her grasp as she tried to hold on to it - leaving her with the knowledge that the only thing that allowed her to sleep was sharing a bed after a stolen kiss. 

“Morning,” came a soft voice from the doorway and Zoe jumped. She wiped her eyes before facing Frankie, who was watching her with brows furrowed in concern. "Doing a bit of washing?" she asked almost conversationally. 

"I was going to leave but I wanted to make sure you wouldn't tell anyone," Zoe blurted out, a little harder than she meant, as she wiped her eyes again. 

"You need to stop threatening me Zoe," Frankie replied evenly. 

Zoe held her hands up in front of her. "I'm not, I won't. I promise," she offered sincerely. "I'm better this morning, lucid even," she tried to joke with a tentative half-smile.

Frankie eyed her for a moment before seeming to accept it, moving from her spot in the doorway to the kettle. 

"How long had it been since you slept?" Frankie asked evenly as she pottered around the kitchen, Zoe moving out of the way to let her fill up the kettle. 

Zoe looked up as she tried to recall, worrying her lip with her teeth. "I sleep for a couple hours here and there," she responded evasively as she turned back to the sink, putting the gloves back on and scrubbing the few remaining spots. 

"How long since you had more than five in a night?" Frankie pushed. 

"A few.. weeks..." she said hesitantly, looking up to see if Frankie had noticed her hesitation and taking in her incredulous brow. "Months," she admitted, clearing her throat and looking back down at the sink as she finished it, forcing herself to take the gloves off again and look up at Frankie, standing silently beside the warming kettle. 

"I imagine you've tried pills," Frankie replied when she looked up at her. 

Zoe nodded. "I've tried everything," she confirmed, thin lipped, trying to keep the desperation from her eyes, “It’s my mind, I can’t shut it off.”

“You need to talk to someone Zoe,” Frankie replied and Zoe felt her face contort as her stomach clenched. She knew it was true but she was so worried about losing her job, it was the only thing she had left. 

“It isn’t anything to be ashamed of,” Frankie added, her voice softening, “everyone needs help now and again.”

The kettle whistled and Frankie turned towards it, making them both tea as Zoe tried to resign herself to therapy. Try as she might, the idea of talking to someone else choked her and caused a physical pain to shoot through her stomach. 

“What is it?” Frankie asked as she handed Zoe the mug she had used yesterday, their fingers brushing momentarily as the touch calmed her. 

She held the cup between her hands, trying to use the warmth emitted through the mug to focus past the panic. 

“I’m not sure I can,” she answered softly, swallowing a sip of tea and trying to compose herself, to gain back the strength that had unravelled. “My job is all I have left,” she pointed out, meeting Frankie’s eyes as her voice remained steady despite her fears. “If I were to tell someone the things I’ve done….” she trailed off, her eyes wandering from Frankie’s face as her mind began detailing the spiralling insanity of the last few days.

“Like kissing me,” Frankie prompted. 

Zoe’s eyes shot to her face, trying to read her expression behind the mug of tea she was sipping. 

“Not the worst thing I did last night,” she responded, avoiding a more informative response to Frankie’s oblique question. 

She watched Frankie’s eyes catch the clock behind her as they widened. “I have to get ready for work,” she remarked hurriedly, putting down the cup of tea. 

Zoe watched as she went into the hallway and ferreted in a drawer before tossing her something. It hit the table and skittered onto the floor, Zoe leaning over to pick it up - a key. She held it up before her. 

“What's this?” she asked incredulously. 

“Save you breaking more windows,” Frankie replied seriously before starting up her stairs. She paused on the second stair. “Just let me know before you come in case I have guests okay?” she added with raised eyebrows. 

Zoe stared at her in confusion for a moment before nodding, focusing on the key in her hand as Frankie made her way up the rest of the stairs. 

* * * 

Frankie jumped in the shower as quickly as she could, wondering why her solution to Zoe’s trespassing had been giving her access. Although it seemed nonsensical, she hoped it would curb the compulsion. Even if it didn't, she trusted that Zoe wouldn't really hurt her and that her seeming desire to do so branched from something else entirely. Something she hoped Zoe was able to start recognising. 

She heard the door shut as she turned off the shower, wondering how awkward their weekly review was going to be later on. 

* * * 

Zoe walked into the clinic, her hand tightening around the piece of metal in her hand just hard enough to feel the pinch of the rough edges against her thumb. 

She walked by John Strider's office and saw him gesture for her to come in. She hesitated but it was too late to pretend she hadn't seen him. 

"I thought you were going to take a couple days off?" He asked after she shut the door behind her, "we've already started making arrangements for cover." 

"No need," Zoe replied evenly, "I slept much better last night and feel fine," she explained with a forced smile, hoping her voice sounded more convincing than her brain, the pain in her hand keeping her focused. 

John surveyed her. "Are you sure, Zoe? I'm not going to get another call from a concerned colleague?" he asked, looking above his glasses at her searchingly. 

Zoe shook her head. "I did what you suggested, started clearing out his things. It helped," she responded half-truthfully. 

"Okay," John allowed, "I for one won't be sad to see the extra work go," he commented offhandedly with a thin smile before dismissing her. 

She took a breath as she exited, shutting the door behind her and making her way to her own office. 

* * * 

Frankie rushed to Clifton Fields. She wasn't due to meet with Zoe and Andy for another half an hour but she wanted to check on Zoe and this seemed the best way to do it without exposing her. 

She knocked on the open door to Zoe's office, watching her look up from the files in front of her and wave her in with her right hand, her left depositing something in a pocket. 

"You're early," she remarked when Frankie had entered and shut the door, seeming every bit the sensible if distant person she was used to. 

"I just wanted to see how you were feeling," Frankie explained with a forced casualness. 

"As you can see, I'm fine," she replied with a placating smile before looking back down at her work.

Frankie watched her for a moment in silence, trying to find some hint of the woman from last night with no luck. At Frankie’s continued silence Zoe looked up from her files once again.

"Thank you for your concern, but if it's all the same to you I have a few things I need to review before we meet." She glanced at the door in a clear signal of dismissal. 

"Glad to see you back to your usual self," Frankie replied, an edge to the statement she hadn't anticipated. She might’ve seen a flicker of reaction from Zoe but it was gone before she could be sure.

Frankie spent most of the meeting trying to reconcile the woman before her with the one from last night and this morning, finding the transformation startling. The only thing that struck her as odd, and she only caught it because she was looking for something off, was the way her left hand remained grasped closed when she lay it on the table to still the notes before her.

At the end of the meeting Zoe stood, her left hand moving to her pocket as Frankie heard a clatter. Frankie moved in her chair to see what it was, recognising the piece of metal that had slipped from Zoe’s grasp. She dove for the familiar key as Zoe leaned over for it, her fingers finding it first as they both stood and she offered it to Zoe with a raised brow. Zoe held out her hand, trying to remain unruffled, but her face had blanched, and Frankie noticed an angry red mark on her thumb where she had been holding the sharp edge against her skin. She put the key in Zoe's hand, her mind racing. Zoe cleared her throat and thanked her, and it would seem to all the world that it had been something trivial, but Frankie was watching Zoe's eyes beg for her silence.

“If we’re done here can I have a word?" Frankie asked casually, watching the relief in Zoe’s eyes as she nodded. 

"Of course," she agreed easily, but Frankie could feel the undercurrent of fear. 

"Meet you back at the office Andy,” she remarked, turning to her colleague. 

Andy looked from one woman to the next with an odd expression before acquiescing, exiting the meeting room as Frankie followed Zoe into her office and shut the door behind them. 

"What is this Zoe?" she asked gesturing to the other woman's thumb. 

She watched Zoe pause, her tongue to the roof of her mouth as she looked skyward for a moment before meeting her eyes. 

"It drowns out the background noise, keeps me focused," she admitted, trying to sound as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Are you obsessed with me Zoe? Should I be concerned?" she asked, not sure if she could trust any response but desperately wanting to. 

“I won't hurt you. I promise. No more threats and no more breaking in,” Zoe confirmed, her face remaining composed - but Frankie could see the small cracks, hints of the woman she had been last night. 

“And the key?” she pointed out. 

Zoe sighed, walking around her desk and standing behind it before looking back at Frankie, her hands splayed on the desk, one covering the key. 

“It reminds me that, despite everything I've done, someone doesn’t see me as a problem,” she replied lucidly as her eyes fell from Frankie’s to her desk before looking up again. 

Frankie let out a huffed laugh as she turned to pace in front of Zoe’s desk before facing her again. “Well I'm actually finding this pretty problematic,” she pointed out. 

Zoe shook her head, standing up straight, the key remaining on the desk. “People are people to you, you don’t have it in you to see them as problems. Even John was happy to ignore what he knew if it meant he had to do less work,” she scoffed. 

Frankie sighed, frustrated by Dr Strider’s lack of support. 

“You need help Zoe,” she stated, feeling like it was a pre-programmed phrase she had begun to play on loop. 

Zoe opened her mouth but Frankie raised her finger and cut her off. 

“I don’t care if you don’t tell them about the stalking but it’s more than that and you know it. The partners can’t begrudge you that, you can keep your job and get the help you need."

Zoe crossed her arms, looking at the desk. “And you?” she asked softly before hesitantly raising her eyes. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Frankie confirmed, wondering at her own willingness but she couldn’t leave Zoe alone, not now. “You literally have the key to my house,” she joked, watching Zoe begrudgingly smile.

“Thank you,” Zoe replied sincerely. 

Frankie nodded and said pointedly, "call someone."

Zoe nodded and Frankie let herself out, shutting the door behind her and taking a deep breath. Part of her wondered why she bothered getting herself into this mess, but Zoe had been right, she couldn’t help but care. It seemed like she was the only one who currently did.

* 

It was 00:05 and the third time Frankie had looked at her clock since she had gone to bed. She couldn’t stop thinking about Zoe, wondering if she had called anyone, if she was sleeping tonight. She picked up her phone and toggled to the anonymous messages, now merged with Zoe's actual contact details, and briefly considering texting her before deciding against it. She clicked her phone off, put it back on her side table and rolled over to try to sleep. 

* * * 

Zoe lay back in bed, holding the key out in front of her and staring at it. She knew she was being ridiculously childish but she couldn’t ignore the way it seemed to help - like a good luck charm for her emotions. She put it on her bedside table and rolled onto her side, trying to work through what she would tell her therapist next week. 

She walked herself through the sadness that had become the cornerstone for her compulsion, her justification that it was Frankie behaving badly, that it was anything but wanting the warmth of a life that wasn’t hers. She covered her face as she remembered breaking in, hands around Frankie’s throat as she listened to her breathe, needing to know she was real. And still Frankie hadn’t written her off. Part of her wanted to be abandoned, to prove that she was beyond hope, but it seemed Frankie couldn’t be pushed beyond caring. 

Tears welled in her eyes as she heard herself ask ‘what am I doing?’ but she didn’t know, couldn’t figure out why, knowing only that her proximity soothed her even as it worked her up, a confusing mess that was at least something more than the usual chaos of self-hate. 

She had kissed her. It had been the briefest moment of a touch but in that moment she felt stillness. And she had slept. She tried to harness that stillness now, tried to let it wash over her and let her sleep, but all she felt was panic as she remembered Frankie’s words: ‘Are you gay?’ 

Was she? Was it possible that her perfect life had been even more of a lie? She tried to calm her breathing and think about this practically. She thought of the way she felt when Frankie was around, that undercurrent that always keyed her up, made her feel everything more intensely. She thought about other women, other times, similar feelings… Her mind threw up a blackness, self-editing what she didn’t want to know like it did when she made the decisions to send Frankie the video, steal her keys, break the window. She forced herself to think about it, really focus on understanding herself and the blackness faded, the truth coming into focus as she tried to accept it. She bit her lip hard as she let the truth of it wash over her, parts of her life falling into place with a scary finality. 

“I might…,” she forced herself to say out loud, softly repeating it until she could get the whole sentence out. She realised then how much sense it made, how oddly right it felt even as it spun her world on its axis. 

“I might be gay.”

Frankie had accidentally cracked the facade she had lived behind all her life, and the dual need to be near her and destroy her suddenly made sense. She just wasn’t sure what to do about it.


	3. Chapter 3

When she woke up the next morning one of the first things Zoe did was put Frankie’s key on her key ring. Although she hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours she still felt brighter than she had in months, scared of what her new realisation would mean for her, but less fragmented. 

She was walking across the car park of the clinic when her phone beeped. She pulled it out of her pocket and read the message - unable to stop the subtle smile crossing her face when she realised it was Frankie. 

_‘How did you sleep? Get more than two hours last night?’_ it asked. 

She stared at the message for a moment, trying to erase her ludicrous smile, before replying. 

_‘Better than usual - at least three. You sleep better without worrying about your stalker?,’_ she replied before pocketing her phone again and entering the clinic. 

She made a beeline for her office as she heard the tone again. 

_‘I do worry. You make an appointment?’_ she read as she sat behind her desk.

_‘Yes. Privately. Next week,’_ she replied. 

_‘You’ll need better sleep before then,’_ came Frankie’s response.

‘You planning a sleepover?’ Zoe typed as Frankie’s message caused a flutter in her chest. She immediately deleted it, shaking her head at her own presumptuousness. _‘Happy for any suggestions,’_ she revised before hitting send.

_‘If it’s the empty house you can always crash on my couch,’_ came the reply and Zoe breathed through her instinctive desire to jump at the chance. 

She heard a knock on her door before it opened a crack to reveal John.

“I’m gay,” she heard herself say before John was able to speak, putting her phone on her desk screen side down. Her heart immediately started racing. She had planned on telling him but not quite so soon or so abruptly and yet the statement was freeing, satisfying something in her that the stalking and the break-ins hadn’t been able to touch.

John looked immediately flustered as he entered the room further and Zoe saw a woman behind him in a police uniform. He cleared his throat. 

“PC Warren would like to ask you a few questions about the purse snatching we had the other evening,” he introduced, pointedly ignoring Zoe’s comment as he raised an eyebrow.

Zoe looked down at the file in front of her, trying to stop the blush from rising to her cheeks as she clawed back her composure before standing and offering her hand to the officer John ushered in. 

"It shouldn't take long Dr Evans," PC Warren advised, seemingly oblivious to Zoe's awkward admission, as Zoe stood and shook her hand. 

Zoe gestured to the seat in front of her desk as John excused himself, shutting the door behind him. Zoe surveyed the woman before her as they sat. PC Warren was younger than Zoe by about ten years, auburn hair pulled back into a neat bun and a warm, welcoming smile that seemed out of place on a policewoman. She smiled politely as she watched PC Warren take out a pad of paper and a pen, folding her hands together as she desperately tried to calm the nerves in her chest. It wasn’t just embarrassment, she realised, or concern at her own exposure - she felt something tangible in PC Warren’s presence she had just last night started to identify. 

"I'm not sure how much help I can be," Zoe brushed off, aiming for busy and aloof as she prepared herself to walk the line between being truthful and protecting herself. 

"Dr Strider indicates that you were in the office when Ms Maddox's purse was stolen," PC Warren stated, clearing her throat as she met Zoe's eyes. 

Zoe nodded, her mouth dry. 

"Did you see anyone new on the premises or anyone acting suspiciously?" PC Warren continued, jotting something in her pad before looking up again. 

Zoe shook her head. "Unless you count a bunch of grown women in exercise clothes doing synchronised dancing," she offered flatly, keeping her lips in an unimpressed line even as she caught the sight of PC Warren's small grin as she made another note. 

The policewoman looked up, that grin still on her face, and Zoe felt her lips curl into a reciprocal smile. 

"And nothing like this has happened before to your knowledge?" The younger woman enquired. 

"Not to my knowledge," Zoe answered, the smile still on her face even as she tried to force it away. 

PC Warren stood up and Zoe followed suit. 

“That should be all Dr Evans, thank you for your time," PC Warren stated with a nod of her head as she pulled a card from a front vest pocket, writing something down on it and handing it to her. 

"If you remember anything else do let me know," she offered, and Zoe saw the card now showed a handwritten number and the name of a pub she recognised. 

"I added the name of a local pub you might want to visit if you need an understanding ear," she pointed out, and Zoe could see a knowing smile form on her lips, "It helped a lot when I first came out," she explained, meeting Zoe's eyes for a moment before shifting them away. “I'm there most Fridays," she added with a casual confidence before turning towards the door. 

Zoe took the card, her mind running amok. Should she be offended? Embarrassed? Frightened? Enthusiastic? She nodded, holding the card up for a moment before putting it on her desk. 

"Thank you, I'm sure I'll see you around," she uttered, aiming for casual but vague and hoping she didn't come off too cold. 

"I hope so," PC Warren responded with a smile as she nodded and let herself out the office door. 

As the door shut behind the policewoman Zoe looked at the card. PC Sarah Warren. She found herself smiling before she pushed the card away, trying to ignore the undercurrent buzzing within.

There was another knock at her door and John popped his head in again, entering the room and shutting the door behind him carefully before taking two steps toward Zoe's desk. 

"About before," he began, his hands folded in front of him, "Is that why you've been off? Are you okay? Do you need any time?" He asked in quick succession with an awkward sympathy, lowering his glasses on his nose to look at her over them. 

"John I'm gay, not sick. I'll be fine," she replied evenly, almost believing the last part was true, the lingering self-doubt prompting her to clarify; “I’m better than I’ve been in a long time,” she added truthfully with a half-smile. 

John turned and left as she replayed her own words in her head and realised how true they were. She felt like she had a new life, a way to escape the sinking pit of her past. She looked down at the card and the phone beside it, flipping it over and re-reading Frankie’s offer of her couch. 

_‘Not necessary but thank you. Maybe I could bring over a bottle though - it’s the least I could do.’_ she texted back, not sure how one made amends for the litany of errors she had made but wanting to try. 

She knew there was more to it than that, aware of the anticipation building in her chest at the thought of seeing her, but she tamped it down and forced herself to be sensible. At best they were friends and she didn't even deserve that. At worst Frankie put up with her out of her seemingly infinite kindness. Zoe hoped the latter wasn’t the entire truth of it, but the thought quickly sobered her. 

The reply took longer than the previous had and she was about to shut the phone off and start on her files for the day when the message came through. 

_‘Sure. 8?’_

_‘I’ll even park in front by your house,’_ she texted back, smiling despite herself as she clicked her phone off and put it in her pocket. 

* * * 

Frankie gave a short laugh as she read Zoe’s reply about parking by the house. “Who knew the ice queen was funny,” she commented under her breath as she pocketed her phone and continued to walk across the main office. 

“What was that?” Andy asked as he walked by her, heading to his office. 

“Oh nothing,” she brushed off - wondering if she would ever be able to explain the odd proto-friendship she and Zoe seemed to be cobbling together from the recent insanity. 

She pulled her hair behind her ear and made her way to her own desk, wondering why Zoe coming by announced made her more nervous than the sudden shock of her presence in her living room and her bed. But of course that hadn’t required thought, just action to understand her, to calm her. Frankie’s thoughts lingered on her second intrusion for a moment, Zoe pinning her down with her fingers around her throat and then later carelessly kissing her. The memory made her heart race but it was more than fear at what could have happened. She pushed the thought away and logged in to the computer, trying to focus on her work and not the reason she had just invited Zoe to stay. 

* * * 

Zoe assumed that her evening plans would’ve been a constant distraction but she actually felt more in control of herself than she had in ages. There seemed to be an odd split in the reaction among those she saw throughout the day. Some patients kept her at arms length, watching her as if she was a stranger, the others smiled at her and chatted carelessly - something that hadn’t happened in years. She still finished the day feeling exhausted but it was different than the drained feeling that came from the chaotic abyss she usually carried with her.

She picked up a bottle of wine and arrived at Frankie’s at 7:48. She went to the door and knocked but the lights were off and no one responded. She hesitated, debating between returning to her car and using her key but the reminder of the key made her feel that small flush of warmth and she flipped through her keyring before finding it, sliding it into the slot and turning. The door opened. She hadn’t been lying then. She put the wine on the table at the entrance and pulled out her phone as she shut the door. 

_‘I let myself in - I hope that’s okay?’_ she messaged before picking the wine up again and heading for the kitchen. 

When she didn’t receive a response in the next few minutes she hunted out a piece of paper and made a sign to stick on the table in the hallway in case Frankie didn’t receive the text before she entered.

She went into the living room and sat, trying to resist the compulsion to clean. She watched the clock as her mind ran through how she would tell Frankie what she had realised without making her uncomfortable. She briefly considered not telling her, but she knew she owed her an explanation.

She heard the door at 8:05 and Frankie’s voice call her name. 

“In here,” she called, getting up from the couch and leaning against the living room doorway, trying to stay composed despite her sudden nerves. 

Frankie had picked up the sign and was holding it with raised eyebrows. “Nice touch,” she voiced with a bemused smile. 

“Didn’t want to scare you,” Zoe replied, suddenly feeling odd being here. 

“Sorry for being late,” Frankie offered as she dropped her bag in the hallway and put the sign back on the table. 

“It’s okay. I left the wine in the kitchen but thought dropping it and leaving would be a bit too reminiscent of… past actions,” she offered before clearing her throat. “Can I talk to you before I go?” she asked, her heart beating in her throat as her hands brushed against themselves nervously. 

Frankie’s eyes furrowed. “Of course,” she replied, making her way into the kitchen. 

Zoe followed her, hanging in the kitchen doorway and watching as Frankie got out two glasses and began to open the wine. 

“You don’t need to have it now,” she clarified holding her hand up. 

“As good a time as any,” Frankie replied with a smile as she poured two glasses, “What is it you wanted to say?” she asked, coming out from behind the counter to hand Zoe a glass as Zoe followed her into the living room and sat beside her on the couch. 

* * * 

Frankie watched Zoe put her glass down on the table beside the couch without having any and clasp her hands together, looking down at her lap for a moment before clearing her throat and looking up.

“You were right,” came the tentative admission and Frankie watched her curiously, trying to judge where this Zoe Evans was on the spectrum of her odd behaviour. 

“You’ll have to be more specific,” Frankie shot back, aiming for jovial but falling flat, the tension in the room making her nervous.

Zoe looked away, her eyes wandering the room until they settled in her lap again. 

"I think I am gay," she uttered softly before looking up and meeting Frankie’s eyes.

Frankie felt a lump form in her throat. Part of her had known, she had suggested it after all, but if Zoe was actually gay and didn’t just have an irrational fixation on her it changed the whole dynamic of the last few days, especially the invasion two nights ago. 

"It would certainly explain the unhappy marriage and the spiralling panic," Zoe continued with a forced smile. 

Frankie could feel the shock on her face as she tried to force some sort of neutral expression, her mind trying to formulate an adequate response. 

"I'm sorry to have involved you in the fall out but I owe you so much for helping me get here," Zoe added and Frankie could feel her eyes searching her: kind, scared and lucid. 

It was the lucidity that frightened Frankie more than anything - because if she was honest with herself she cared about Zoe. Why else would she go to such extremes to hide what she had done against every sane thought that told her to be scared? She took a long sip of her wine as the silence wrapped around them. 

"You're welcome," she finally responded blandly, her eyes wide. 

"Now _you’re_ panicking," Zoe pointed out, meeting Frankie’s eyes for a moment, accurate and intense before she turned to reach for her wine glass, taking a sip before returning it to the table. 

Frankie stood, putting her glass on the bookshelf next to the couch and turned back to Zoe. 

“What do you want from me?” she asked, hating the fact she sounded angry but it was the only shield she had against the confusion bubbling within her. 

“It isn’t about you. You've done more than I could ever ask,” Zoe offered calmly, clearly upset by her reaction. She stood. “I should go,I’ll see you around,” she uttered before shaking her head, “at work,” she clarified emphatically, meeting Frankie’s eyes. 

Frankie stared back blankly, this making almost less sense than everything that had gone before. 

Zoe sighed, turning and exiting the room. Frankie heard rustling before Zoe returned, working a key off her key ring and taking Frankie’s hand, placing it in her palm. Frankie felt the careful touch of fingers as the metal touched her skin. As they slipped away she felt the loss of contact as something deeper within her, a sense of finality she needed to fight against. 

“You kissed me,” she pointed out, closing her hand around the key as Zoe turned to leave, needing to understand what had happened, hold on to one fact in the current chaos. 

Zoe looked at the floor, nodding her head without turning around. 

“Yes,” she answered simply. 

“Do you want to kiss me again?” Frankie blurted out, the words hitting her ears as heat, the embarrassment blushing across her face. 

Zoe turned to look at her, the longing in her dark eyes making Frankie flush all the more as she felt the nerves flutter in her chest. 

“Do you really want the answer to that?” Zoe replied carefully, the words sticking ever so slightly in her throat. 

“No, I suppose not,” Frankie answered, swallowing hard as she tried to maintain some illusion of professionalism between them. 

“Well then,” she answered with finality, “See you around Frankie.”

Frankie stared at the closed door before looking at the key in her hand. She felt an odd sense of loss where she knew she should feel relief, happiness even. Zoe was clearly improving and yet the feelings left in the wake of it only made Frankie feel like something was missing. 

* * * 

Zoe exhaled into the cold air, watching her breath spiral upwards before dispersing. She could feel her nerves pushing through her new sense of sanity. She wondered for a brief moment if returning the key had been a good idea before taking a deep breath. She could do this, and she could do it without Frankie. 

*

 

Zoe was speaking to the receptionist a few days later when she saw PC Warren enter the clinic. Her heart jumped into her throat as she thought the worst - that somehow she had found out - but when Sarah caught her eye she gave a small smile and Zoe relaxed as the panic subsided into an entirely different type of nerves. 

"Dr Evans, I'm glad I caught you," PC Warren offered as she approached and Zoe waved her through the patients into her office. 

She shut the door behind them and walked past PC Warren to sit behind her desk, folding her hands once she had seated herself and looking up at the officer still standing in front of her desk. 

"How can I help?" Zoe asked politely, feigning calm assurance as she tried to judge the subject of conversation. 

"I'm sorry to say we've had to close the case, there wasn't enough to look into. As Nurse Maddox has changed her locks and the person seemed to be targeting her specifically there doesn't seem to be an immediate threat," PC Warren informed her. 

"Ah," Zoe replied, imitating consternation as her hands spread out before her. She looked up at PC Warren. 

"Shouldn't you be feeding back to Dr Strider as senior partner and surely a phone call would've been sufficient?" Zoe asked, crooking her eyebrow. She saw the officer hesitate momentarily and softened her expression with a small smile.

“I prefer the personal approach and I saw you first,” PC Warren responded with a smile that was easily too genuine to be professional. 

Zoe felt her smile betray her by deepening as she looked down at her desk for a moment, her eyes catching the card she had given her the last time she had come. She bit her bottom lip briefly before looking up again. 

“Well thank you for your diligence PC Warren,” she responded, “and thank you for your concern the other day,” she added, watching as the officer took another step towards her desk. 

“Please, call me Sarah,” she responded with an intent that Zoe easily recognised.

As much as she was flattered to have confirmation of the other woman’s interest, it was all too soon for her to even contemplate pulling a stranger into the mess that was her life. She took a breath before replying, knowing she had to disabuse this woman of her current intent despite how attractive she found the attention. 

“Thank you for your concern, Sarah,” she amended, “And your kind offer," she added before hesitating, "...but I need some time to figure things out for myself,” she admitted cagily, her lips pressing together in a sympathetic line. 

Sarah nodded, disappointment evident on her face despite her attempt to hide it. “I understand,” she replied, extending her hand. “It was nice to meet you,” she added with a restrained professional smile. 

“Yes,” Zoe agreed as she stood and took the other woman’s hand in her own, the warmth seeping into her palm before she released it. 

“I can leave you to tell Dr Strider?” Sarah asked, a flicker of distraction crossing her face as she adjusted her vest. 

Zoe nodded. “Thank you again for your help,” she acknowledged, hoping Sarah recognised both levels of her statement. 

“Of course,” Sarah replied, “Have a good day.” And with that she was gone, shutting the door behind her. 

Zoe dropped to her chair as relief swept over her - she hadn’t been found out. And yet buried in that relief was a frisson of want, the intensity surprising her as she recognised the lingering tension that accompanied Sarah's presence. She took a deep breath and pushed it away - it was much too soon. Her hands went to open the top file on her desk, needing the mundane comfort of the familiar. She looked up at the clock only to realise her first consult was in ten minutes, the immediacy of it helping clear her mind to focus on her patients.

* * *

Frankie joined the queue at the coffee shop, it was slightly out of her way but she hadn’t been sleeping well and needed the extra pick me up of decent coffee. She was staring into space, lips mouthing the words to the song piped through the cafe speakers, when she heard her name. 

She spun to see Zoe looking at her, her smile fading to concern. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Zoe offered. 

Frankie gave a half-hearted laugh. “Just lost in my own little world,” she replied. “What are you doing here?” she asked before realising the idiocy of the question. 

“It’s the best coffee between my home and the clinic,” Zoe replied, watching her intently.

Frankie nodded, an awkward silence falling between them as she faced the front of the line. 

“So, you sleeping better?” Frankie asked, half-turning behind her without meeting Zoe’s eyes. 

“Most of the time,” Zoe replied, and Frankie could hear the reserved smile that accompanied the statement. 

She nodded. “Good,” she acknowledged with an honest smile before being called up for her order. 

She ordered a double shot of her usual and paid, glancing at Zoe before she moved to the pick up point. 

"See you later," she stated casually, watching Zoe nod in response, lips pressed together. 

She got her coffee as Zoe paid for her own drink, meeting her eyes and waving bye as she hastily exited the shop and made a beeline for her car. 

Once in the car she took a deep breath before turning on the engine, unsure why the woman's unexpected appearance had thrown her. She took a sip of the coffee and put it in her cup holder before putting the car in gear and vowing to get more sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been three weeks since Zoe had broken into Frankie's and although her emotions were still a bit of a rollercoaster she was slowly clawing back perspective. The meetings with Frankie were still the highlights of her week, unable to rid herself of the butterflies her presence had, it turns out, _always_ created, but she found she was able to focus on them less and less as the rest of her life widened into focus. Therapy helped, and she had almost emptied the house of all of James’s things. She had also filed for divorce, handing him the papers herself with a smile on her lips as his colleagues watched through the glass-walled office.

She had reached out to her children as well, getting responses from both of them within a couple of days. They were more distant than usual on the phone, cagey, as if they needed to protect themselves from something, but it was a start.

All in all her life was coming together into a new semblance of normal apart from two things she was still fighting. One was the niggling that kept pushing her to find reasons to spend time with Frankie despite the self-destruction she knew it entailed. The other was the thought of Sarah that often came unbidden. 

* * * 

"Well that was odd," Andy remarked as they left their weekly meeting at Clifton Fields. "Zoe Evans agreed with you, twice," he continued, trying to catch Frankie's eye. 

"I didn't notice," she dismissed. 

"You two become best friends behind my back? Or has she been body-snatched?" Andy prodded as they made their way across the car park to Frankie's car. 

She looked across the car roof at Andy. "We came to a bit of an understanding after the Liana Corden complaint," she lied. 

"You mean that night she was at your house?" Andy asked, eyebrows raised. 

"I told you that was a safeguarding concern about another patient," Frankie reminded him, her eyes flicking away from his as she tried to be nonchalant. 

"You did. In any case I've never seen her so....personable as she has been the last few weeks.” 

Frankie rolled her eyes and got into the car, Andy following suit and sitting himself in the passenger side. "She is a person," Frankie replied in frustration as she started the car and exited the car park.

"I hear she's getting divorced. Maybe we should invite her to drinks after work," Andy suggested with a tone of voice she recognised. 

"Keep it in your pants man," she shot back, keeping her eyes on the road. 

"What? You said you weren't interested. I'm not going to spend my life pining if that's what you think," he shot back. His tone was matter-of-fact, but Frankie could tell he was hurt. 

"I told you. We're friends and I don't want to mess that up. Especially so close to breaking up with Ian," she replied calmly, glancing at him with a furrowed brow. 

“That's fine," he replied evenly, "All I'm saying is she's rather attractive when she isn't being mean." 

"Andy she's gay," Frankie burst out, immediately chastising herself for the betrayal of Zoe’s confidence and wondering why the idea of Andy chasing Zoe had goaded her into the revelation.

"Oh really Ms 'we're not friends' and how do you know that?" he questioned, "You _have_ become her friend behind my back haven't you?" he teased as he grabbed for the unlocked phone attached to her dashboard. 

“Andy, no,” Frankie called out as she reached for the phone, trying to disguise the panic in her voice.

"Ah so you are hiding something," he jokingly surmised as he flicked to her messages and scrolled down. 

"Andy, put it down," she repeated firmly. 

"You _have_ been messaging her," he announced, the surprise clear in his voice.

"Andy, stop," Frankie repeated desperately, grabbing for the phone once again as they came to a stop light. 

She grabbed the phone from him but his eyes were wide, his mouth agape. 

"Frankie," he uttered, trailing off in shock as Frankie glanced at the screen before meeting his eyes.

"Don't you dare say a word," Frankie replied, closing Zoe’s early messages as she put her phone back on the dash, her hands on the wheel as the light turned green. 

"She was your stalker,” he uttered, still trying to absorb the fact. “She was your stalker, and in your house - with Ian and I outside no less - and you didn't say a word?" He questioned, his tone growing angry. 

"Andy, leave it alone. I've spoken to her, she's getting help," she responded before glancing at him again, shock still painted on his face. 

"You have to tell Ian," he stated. 

"I am not telling anyone and neither are you," Frankie snapped, "she is getting help and if this got out it would ruin her." 

"Frankie she had you terrified," Andy pointed out, "what if she does it to someone else?" 

Frankie fixed him with a cold stare before turning back to the road. 

"She is not going to do it to anyone else and you cannot tell anyone," she reiterated forcefully. 

Andy sighed. 

"Promise me," Frankie insisted. 

"Frankie...." Andy began, about to argue. 

"Promise me you won't say anything," Frankie repeated, cutting him off. 

Andy sighed again. 

"Fine," he acquiesced, throwing his hands up in the air before dropping them on his lap, his brow furrowed. "But don't come running to me if it happens again." 

"It won't," Frankie replied emphatically before silence descended. 

They drove the rest of the way without speaking, Andy exiting the car as soon as it stopped and striding to the office without her.

* * * 

Zoe was on the phone when the doorbell rang. 

"I know you mean well, John, but I don't want you to set me up with your sister's friend. That's the door, I have to go," she voiced, barely hiding her annoyance as she unlocked the door. "See you tomorrow," she added as she hung up before turning the nob and opening the door to see Frankie, concern written across her features. 

"Can I come in?" She asked simply and Zoe could feel her heart speed up at the other woman’s presence; she knew it wasn't good news but for the briefest moment she couldn't make herself care. 

She gestured for Frankie to enter before leading her into the sitting room, sitting on a chair while Frankie sat on the sofa, elbows on her knees, hands tangling together as she looked up at Zoe before speaking. 

“Andy knows,” she voiced simply. She continued to speak but Zoe felt everything go out of focus, numb, Frankie’s voice sounding like she was hearing it from underwater. 

“I’m sorry, what?” she responded when the world had snapped back into focus, “How?” she asked. 

“He got a hold of my phone, saw the messages,” Frankie replied, her voice low and apologetic. 

Zoe could feel the panic inside her, pushing through all the safeguards she had been building so carefully. She watched Frankie’s brow furrow as the younger woman moved from the sofa to crouch down in front of her, taking her hands. It was only then that Zoe realised she was muttering ‘but I was better,’ repeatedly.

“I know you are,” Frankie soothed as she cupped Zoe’s face with her hand, her thumb brushing against her cheekbone. "Take a deep breath," she instructed, holding her eyes. Zoe focused on their chocolate-coloured depths and tried to ease her breathing, her world becoming the feel of Frankie's hand on her face and the caring in her eyes. 

She let her eyes fall closed as she pulled strength from her touch and forced herself to face what was happening and not lean into Frankie’s hand and kiss her palm like her lips ached to do. 

“I made him promise not to tell anyone,” Frankie added softly as Zoe's breathing eased. She forced her eyes open and watched the concern on Frankie’s face. 

"Do you think he'll stay quiet?" she asked, hoping against hope while trying to accept what might be. 

Frankie held her eyes and nodded, her hand sliding from Zoe's face to take her hands. 

"Why do you keep helping me?" Zoe asked softer, tongue wetting her lower lip before she bit it, her eyes shifting away before returning to Frankie's still-intent gaze. 

"I care about you," she answered simply, her mouth crooking in a half-smile, "believe it or not," she added, trying to brush it off but Zoe felt something in that admission, something she hoped to hell she wasn't imagining. 

Before she could second-guess herself she had leaned forward and met Frankie's lips, warm and pliable against hers as Frankie disentangled their hands and put her palms on Zoe's chest, gently pushing them apart. 

Zoe watched as Frankie bit her lower lip nervously before meeting her eyes again. 

"Not like that Zoe, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." she trailed off as Zoe stood, shaking her head. 

"Of course," she stated nodding, unable to meet Frankie's eyes. "Thank you for letting me know about Andy," she offered as she gestured to the door. 

She looked up to see Frankie stand, nodding wordlessly before walking past her toward the door. She paused in the doorway and turned. 

"I'm serious Zoe, I do care…” she uttered softly. 

Zoe met her eyes for a moment, trying to reconcile the conflicting feelings of wanting her friendship and knowing never seeing her again might actually make her happier. She nodded. 

“I know,” she replied, “You can’t help it,” she tried to joke, a forced half-smile on her face. 

Frankie let out a huffed laugh. “I guess not,” she replied as she turned to the main door. “Be well, Zoe,” she offered as she let herself out. 

“You too,” Zoe found herself uttering softly as the door shut. 

* * *

Frankie leaned her back against the door for a moment, replaying the scene in her mind. She hadn’t meant for any of this and yet she felt herself drawn in to it, her lips still burning with the feel of Zoe's kiss. She bit her bottom lip, trying to intrude on the sensation as she pushed off from the door, making her way back to her car. She knew there was more to Zoe's fixation with her, that there had been something that prompted the first kiss. She should've known better and yet she couldn't find it in herself to leave her uncomforted.

"Bloody women," she cursed to herself as she exited Zoe's driveway, wondering how she would balance her need to care for Zoe without upsetting her feelings. 

As much as she knew she should stay away, leave Zoe to her own devices, she couldn’t find it in herself to do that. Beyond the fact she was now complicit in Zoe’s stalking, she liked the person she was becoming and she didn't want to ruin that by leaving her alone. She would just have to be more careful with her actions in the future. 

* * * 

Zoe waited for Frankie to leave, hearing the engine fade into the distance before she grabbed her coat, purse and keys. She made her way to the edge of town and parked in front of an out-of-the-way pub whose name was written on a card that still sat on her desk at work. She saw the multicoloured flags and hesitated. She wasn't sure she wanted this, not now, but she definitely did not want to be somewhere in town where she would surely run into a patient (it always happened when she was the least prepared). She didn’t know if she wanted Sarah to be there or not, and the moment of Schrodinger possibility was calming - she both was and wasn't in there - and with that thought and a deep breath she left her car, wanting nothing more than an evening outside her own skin.

The air was warm when she entered, dark and noisy enough to allow her to blend comfortably into the ambience. She went to the bar and ordered a red wine, scanning the room as she was served and, once she had her drink, making her way to a small table in the back corner with a good view of the room. She put her wine down before taking off her coat, hanging it on a nearby hook before sitting down to survey the room and rolling up the sleeves of her pale blue blouse. She started to play a game with herself - rating the attractiveness of the various patrons, part of her still second-guessing what she absolutely knew to be true. It was harder than she thought it would be, allowing herself to recognise what she liked versus what she thought she was supposed to like. She had just decided that either she was bi or gay men were more attractive than their straight counterparts when she saw someone approach. 

She took in the ripped jeans, white t-shirt with 'The Killers' in rainbow lettering across the front, and shoulder-length auburn curls before recognising the bright smile; her stomach dipping traitorously at the sight. 

Sarah approached her with a glass of red in one hand and a pint of beer in the other. 

"Fancy meeting you here, Dr Evans," she greeted with a smile. “May I join you?” she asked, placing the glasses on the table and pulling out the chair opposite when Zoe gestured her assent. 

"Recommendation from a friend," Zoe replied with a smug, closed mouth half-smile. "And please call me Zoe." 

"And how are you liking it?" Sarah asked, raising her eyebrows as she took a sip of her beer. 

"Well the service is certainly top notch," she replied, taking the last sip of her wine and pulling the other glass towards her while meeting Sarah's eyes. "Thank you," she added, raising the glass with a slight nod. 

“No problem,” Sarah replied before looking down at her beer for a moment, turning the glass in her hands before looking up again, "So...you still outing yourself to everyone in such a spectacularly blunt manner or was I just lucky?" she asked with a wry smile. "Was Dr Strider okay afterwards?" she added more sombrely, before Zoe could respond. 

"John was fine," Zoe responded easily before taking a sip of her wine. "How about you - still flirting on the job?" she asked with a smile that was laced in challenge, surprised at how easy this was. Or maybe it was just how quickly the wine had gone to her head. She watched Sarah's eyes widen in surprise. 

"I was not!" she replied with mock indignation before dissolving into giggles when Zoe raised her eyebrows in disbelief. 

"Okay but how am I to resist?" Sarah relented, "Apart from the newbie thing you're lesbian cat nip. Gorgeous, successful, confident… I mean look at you - I clearly had no choice." 

Zoe felt her cheeks colour as she looked to her wine stem and twisted it between her fingers. 

"And the 'newbie thing'?" she asked as she looked up again. 

"I do honestly think community is important when you're going through that," she replied seriously, taking another drink of her beer. “I wouldn’t have gotten through it with nearly as much sanity if it hadn’t been for Mike the bartender and a few others.” she added. 

Zoe nodded and took another sip of her wine, wanting to ask what had happened but not wanting to pry. She hesitated so long Sarah spoke again. 

"How has it been anyway? Coming out?" she asked curiously, "I mean you don't have to…" she corrected. 

"It's okay," Zoe confirmed, taking her hands from the stem of her wine glass and folding them together as she thought of the repercussions of telling Frankie and the constant worry of what her boys would say. She pulled her hands apart as she forced herself to focus on the good. 

“I’ve only told three people so far,” she confessed before raising her eyes to Sarah, “…but one of those is working out well so far,” she added, meeting Sarah's eyes with a knowing smile, the feeling of flirting so cavalierly with someone she barely knew intoxicating her even more than the wine. 

Zoe sat up straighter before leaning forward conspiratorially. "How did you first know?" she asked, before leaning back a little and spreading her hand before her, "you don't have to, it's just sometimes...." Zoe trailed off, a hand waving in the air as her eyes looked skyward, trying to find the words to explain the odd dual life she felt she lived, her old and new selves. 

"Sometimes it feels like you're making it up?" Sarah prompted. 

"More like I've just lost my mind," Zoe admitted with a self-deprecating laugh. 

Sarah shrugged. "It took me a while to recognise what I was feeling but once I did, it felt too right to question anymore."

Zoe nodded; as messy as this was, it still felt more authentic than the perfect life that had fallen apart in shambles. 

"You could be bi too - don't pigeon hole yourself," Sarah offered, "the important thing is you're happy. Are you happy?" Sarah asked pointedly. 

"I am right now," Zoe replied with a smile, her voice coming out deeper than she had meant it to. 

The night went quickly as the light flirting became intermingled with conversation about their careers, Sarah’s penchant for rock music, Zoe's kids, Sarah's friends, and anything else that came up. Zoe found Sarah's forthright honesty made her easy to talk to. She also had a genuineness that briefly reminded her of Frankie, but while Frankie’s strength came from stubbornness and a refusal to waiver, Sarah’s steel was cloaked in objectivity and patience. The depth of her understanding made her seem almost innocent at times but she knew too much, had seen too much for anyone to make that mistake for long. Zoe found her admiration growing even in spite of the highly embarrassing tales she was occasionally being regaled with. 

When Zoe first looked at her watch it was nearly 01:00. 

"I really should be going - you need a ride home?" Zoe asked - she had switched to water after only a few glasses of wine and other than the excitable nerves she'd been enjoying all evening was perfectly sober. 

"You going to walk me to my door too?" Sarah taunted good-naturedly as she took her last sip of beer. 

"Can do. How does gay chivalry work?" Zoe shot back with a teasing smile as she gathered her things and stood beside the table waiting for Sarah to follow suit. 

"I definitely can't drive home so yes, if you are in a fit state then I would love a ride," Sarah accepted with mock humility as she stood, collected her things and gestured graciously for her to lead the way. 

"You going to take back your comments about my boring later-night beverage choice now?" Zoe asked as they walked to the door, her eyebrow raised in challenge. 

“I bow to your clearly superior, if boring, choice,” Sarah teased as they walked out into the cool air and she immediately threw her coat around her. 

Zoe pointed out her car, making her way to the driver’s side and unlocking it as Sarah entered the passenger’s side. 

Zoe slipped on her coat before sitting in the driver’s seat. 

”Where to?” she asked as she turned on the car. 

Sarah directed Zoe through the darkened streets to the apartment block situated half way into town. 

“Pull over here, I’m just down there,” Sarah indicated, pointing out a small one-way lane to the left. 

Zoe pulled over just before the dark and unsavoury seeming lane and although she knew Sarah was more than capable she was glad their earlier joke would allow her to ensure she got in safely. 

“Zoe, I was kidding,” Sarah clarified when Zoe undid her seatbelt and opened the door. 

"Well too bad, you have to accept now or you'll hurt my feelings," Zoe countered with a grin as she walked over to the other side of the car and gestured to Sarah to lead. 

They fell into step together, boots clicking on the cobble-stones.

"Thank you for an enjoyable evening," Zoe voiced to break the silence, stopping to grab Sarah's arm as she stumbled over a loose drain fitting. Sarah steadied herself, interlinking their arms and Zoe felt the contact through her coat. 

"Yep, helping home a stumbling drunk, great first impression," Sarah quipped back before meeting Zoe's eyes. 

Zoe held the gaze, her chest constricting as Sarah glanced briefly at her lips, tongue edging across her own lips before she broke eye contact. 

"I'm just here," Sarah pointed to the next house and they moved together wordlessly, Zoe releasing her arm as they approached the door. 

"We should do that again sometime," Zoe remarked casually, not wanting this to be over. 

"How about dinner?" Sarah suggested, her face brightening in that way that made Zoe's resistance crumble. 

Sarah must've seen the indecision on her face because her smile dampened. 

“As friends,” she clarified. 

"Deal," Zoe agreed, a smile breaking across her face as she held out her hand. 

Sarah slid her hand into Zoe's, her fingers curving around the edge as she shook it firmly. 

"I'll text you tomorrow," Zoe offered as the hand withdrew. 

"I know where to find you if you don't," Sarah called over her shoulder with a smile as she made her way to the door. 

Zoe watched as she entered the block before turning back to her car, the electricity from the handshake fading from her body as she took a deep breath, replaying the night in her head with a smile so insistent it made her face hurt. 

* * *

Sarah leaned her back against the main door to her block trying to even out the smile spread wide across her face. 

She didn't believe in love at first sight but she did believe in her own impulsiveness. Not that it didn't get her into trouble now and again but it was part of what made her a good cop - the willingness to push for something she believed in. 

She had watched Zoe that first day, the shock/fear of her intentional turned accidental revelation as she covered it with an instinctual poise. Then later, the sarcasm bordering on bitterness and the small smile... it was the smile that had sunk her, made her curious. And she was perhaps a bit too persistent when she was curious but hey, where was the challenge? 

She had just about given up in the intervening weeks and was shocked to see Zoe sitting by herself in the corner of her usual bar, owning it like it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Mike was on shift so getting another of what she was drinking had been no problem and if she had been curious before, the rest of the night had made her crushing bordering on smitten. It wasn't just the way her real smiles lit up her eyes or the odd vulnerability beneath her strength, but something about her had Sarah completely enraptured. 

She took a deep breath, notched her smile down and made her way to the door beside hers, rapping once before letting herself in. 

As expected she found her friend Eliza and her roommate Joe reclining in their living room watching the decent sized screen Joe had moved in with five years back. She moved the empty takeaway containers from the free cushion of their couch before shifting Joe's feet and sitting down, Joe resting his feet across her thighs. 

“We expected you hours ago, meet someone interesting?" Joe asked without shifting his gaze from whatever mind-numbing show they were engrossed in. 

Sarah felt her smile returning but said nothing as Eliza, sitting next to her and under Joe's knees, turned to face her. 

"I'd say so," Eliza responded as she clocked Sarah’s grin, "spill." 

Sarah could feel her face colouring and Joe shifted his attention to her. 

"Remember that doctor I interviewed a couple of weeks ago?" Sarah admitted slowly, knowing they would get it from her sooner or later. 

"Ms hot straight-laced GP?" Eliza countered in surprise. 

Sarah nodded, her face breaking into a smile. "It's nothing serious, we just had a few drinks and it was nice," Sarah explained, before trying to shrug it off casually. 

"Tell that to your face," Joe pointed out. 

Sarah grabbed a pillow from beside her and threw it at Joe who immediately sat up and grabbed a nearby cushion to retaliate - starting an all out pillow war that halted when they almost knocked the left over food all over the floor. 

"Now clean that up," Sarah mock reprimanded, pointing to the takeaway as she made to leave, a yawn breaking across her face. 

“Yes Mum,” Joe teased as he sat back down on the couch. 

“Hum… who was out tonight and who was watching TV?” Sarah reminded them as she opened their door, ducking another pillow as she shut the door behind her and retired to her flat. 

* * *

When Zoe got back to her house the happy bubble she had spent the evening in popped and she remembered that Andy had found out about the stalking, that she had kissed Frankie again. She buried her head in her hands, trying to console herself with the fact Frankie believed Andy would stay silent and hoping she hadn’t destroyed the trust that was slowly building between them. 

She pulled out her phone and scrolled to Frankie’s number before realising the time. She shut the phone off and made her way upstairs to grab what little sleep she could before getting up for work in the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

It was Friday morning and Frankie was leaning against her counter, staring at her phone, trying to decide if enough time had passed from the previous night that she could safely send Zoe a message without it seeming like she was leading her on in any way. She toggled back and forth between her messages before closing her phone, finishing her tea and rushing herself out of the house.

* * *

“Nurse Maddox is here to see you,” the receptionist informed Zoe when she arrived, far later than usual and without her morning coffee.

“Oh?” Zoe replied, realising that despite the usual fluttering of nerves in her chest she felt better equipped to face Frankie than she had in a long time.

The receptionist nodded. “She’s in your office.”

“Thank you,” Zoe replied with a smile as she made her way into the back of the clinic.

When she opened the door, Frankie jumped.

“Sorry to startle you,” she offered casually, her nerves reasserting themselves at Frankie’s presence as she passed her in the chair and sat herself behind her desk, noticing the coffee placed before her. She looked at it and looked up pointedly.

“You may have already had one but I figured we all run on the stuff,” Frankie offered with a half-hearted smile, her words lacking the confidence Zoe was used to in the younger woman.

“I didn’t get a chance this morning so thank you,” Zoe replied honestly, as she took the cup and raised it to her lips to take a sip, desperately hoping the caffeine would help her focus.

"Who is that one for?" She asked looking at the two remaining cups sitting in the cardboard holder on the other side of the desk. She didn’t really care but she was still playing for time, not quite ready to address the awkwardness between them.

“Oh. Andy," Frankie replied simply and Zoe could see it in her too, the hesitance.

"Ah," Zoe responded, chaffing the coffee cup between her hands, “I’ve always wondered, are you and he...?" she asked, eyebrow raised.

Frankie hesitated for a moment. “No,” she replied before adding, “it’s complicated," and Zoe saw her flinch, as if she had revealed more than she meant.

"So he's the colleague who kissed you," she ascertained with a nod. "The other one I mean," she clarified, her voice softer, eyes darting around the room before meeting Frankie’s deer-in-headlights expression.

"Just because I wasn't entirely in charge of my faculties doesn't mean I don’t remember that night," Zoe confirmed matter-of-factly before dropping her eyes to her desk, trying to ignore the electricity of avoidance that was becoming more concentrated by the moment, only heightened by the memory of her previous actions. Her eyes caught Sarah’s card and she took a deep breath; she could do this. She folded her hands in front of her.

"Look, Frankie," she began as Frankie started her own sentence.

"I didn't...."

They both paused looking at each other.

"Go ahead," Zoe offered, gesturing with her hand.

"No, you first, I insist," Frankie replied, and Zoe thought she could see relief cross her face.

"I'm not sure how many times I can apologise for my actions before the word ‘sorry’ no longer means anything," Zoe began, her words calm and authoritative as they poured out of her with a sincerity she rarely allowed, eyes flickering between Frankie and her hands as she returned them to the coffee cup. "But you are first and foremost my colleague and I need to keep that in perspective.” She took a breath, looking up and forcing herself to maintain eye contact as she continued. “I appreciate everything you have done for me, I am in your debt, but I don't think we should keep meeting like this."

She saw Frankie visibly swallow before nodding.

"If that is what you think best." Frankie’s reply was sombre.

“What, no argument?,” Zoe countered, her face cracking into a smile. “That would be a first,” she joked, as she took another sip of her coffee.

Frankie pressed her lips together in a thin smile and nodded. "Yes it would," she relented, her smile widening as she stood. "Be well, Zoe," she offered as she turned and made her way to the door.

"You too Frankie, see you next week," Zoe replied.

Frankie nodded before exiting, shutting the door behind her as Zoe let out a breath. Her eyes fell to Sarah's card and she pulled out her phone to type in the number.

* * *

Sarah had just finished breakfast when her phone buzzed. She looked at the number oddly before reading the message as a smile spread across her face.

_‘Hi Sarah, It’s Zoe. Thanks again for last night. Hope you got some sleep.’_

_‘Not enough but it was worth it,’_ Sarah typed back, biting her bottom lip for a moment and hoping it didn't sound too offensive, too flirty.

_'You free tonight for that dinner? I know a great Tapas place by the University’_ came the response and it was almost too good to be true.

_‘I might be able to rearrange my diary ;-) ,’_ she replied, _‘what time?’_

_‘7:30? I’ll send you the location.’_

_'Sounds good. See you then.’_

The address came through next followed by _'Have a good day.’_

_'You too,’_ Sarah replied, taking a deep breath and pocketing her phone, anticipation already clawing at her in a way that was equally pleasant and frustrating.

* * *

Zoe knew logically that it was too soon to see Sarah again but she didn’t trust herself to be left alone with her thoughts. Being with Sarah made her feel better - the other woman’s impression of her allowing her to own her own skin. Sarah made her remember what it felt like to be strong and whole - not just holding up the layers of a continually shifting wall that gave that impression - and that strength was addictive.

She clicked off her phone and put it face side down on her desk, pocketing Sarah’s card before turning to the first file waiting for her, a small smile still on her lips.

* * *

Frankie pondered Zoe's decision, knowing she should be happy to have been offered an escape of sorts from the insanity of it all. And it seemed sensible, yet something in her rebelled against it for reasons she couldn’t quite place.

She entered the team office to voices on phones as Andy fell into step beside her, following her to her office as she handed him his coffee.

"Karen's off sick and we've had to redistribute the cases," Andy updated her, not even trying to hide his frustration. “Where have you been half an hour late with coffee from across town?”

"I was at Clifton," Frankie replied as they entered her office, walking behind her desk and taking a sip of her coffee before sitting.

Andy shut the door behind them before facing her again. “Any reason for visiting your new closest friend?" he asked, clearly unimpressed; "she get coffee too?"

"She's not my closest friend," Frankie snapped back unexpectedly, meeting Andy’s eyes before looking at the files on her desk.

"Why? She kiss you too?" Andy lashed out ridiculously.

Frankie looked up and she knew the shock was written across her face, the blood drained from it. She watched the recognition on Andy’s face as he shook his head incredulously, a bitter laugh escaping his lips.

"Really Frankie?" he exclaimed, his eyebrows rising in abject shock. "Is that why you don't want to report her? You gay now too?" he asked bitterly.

"Andy calm down," Frankie responded evenly. "I'm not gay,” she confirmed.

Andy shook his head.

"This is beyond the pale even for you," he responded, his voice low and angry.

"Andy, let me explain," Frankie voiced loudly and with less patience as she came out from behind her desk.

Andy shook his head. "I'm late as it is and we have extra patients," he pointed out as he opened the door and left without another word, the remaining staff watching her with confusion.

"Stop staring, we all have jobs to do," she chastised, heading back into her office and shutting the door behind her.

She dropped herself into her chair, head in her hands, as she tried to grasp the threads of her life that were slowly unraveling. 

* * *

Zoe looked up from the paper she was reading as she saw Sarah get out of the car that had parked opposite her. She folded the paper and dropped it into the seat beside her before grabbing her bag and exiting her car.

“Interesting choice,” Sarah commented with a hint of sarcasm when she was in hearing range, nodding to the dingy storefront she had parked in front of.

"Nice to see you too, PC Warren," she jibed before a smile broke across her face. “You wait.”

“I’m in your hands,” Sarah replied, trying to keep a straight face as she followed Zoe into the building.

Zoe knew this place well. Despite the dingy exterior and slightly dark interior, the place was clean, with the simplistic tidiness of a restaurant that had been in the family for years - the decor showing the truth of that statement. Its usual clientele was the college crowd from a few streets over but it was off-season and the place was quiet.

Sarah raised an eyebrow as they sat themselves down.

“Trust me, my eldest found this when he was in college and after raving about it my soon-to-be-ex and I came here. It really is the best Tapas bar in the area and the owner's wife is a patient of mine,” she explained as a waiter gave them menus and took their drink orders.

“And I wanted to find somewhere you hadn’t been,” Zoe added when the waiter left, “quite a challenge knowing that you see most of the city, but as you didn’t go to uni here…” she trailed off.

"Well you've been successful on that front," Sarah confirmed, remembering her offhanded comment the night before about moving from London after she graduated. She opened the neatly laid out menu and began to read through the various options.

They settled on splitting five plates between them and although Zoe knew which she wanted Sarah kept vacillating between the ones she wanted to try. They eventually agreed and submitted their order as the waiter came back with Sarah's beer and Zoe's wine.

As the waiter left, Sarah launched into an anecdote about her day and Zoe found herself laughing, not just at the story itself but at Sarah’s delivery, her energy and self-reflective mocking making the story all the more entertaining. She watched the woman across from her with interest, realising how odd this friendship was. She knew Sarah was attracted to her and she couldn’t help but recognise the electricity her presence created but it was unlike any relationship she’d ever had. It was easier than any of the similarly obvious relationships she had with men but then, she supposed, that was her forcing herself to accept what she thought she wanted. This was clearly different in a way that both frightened and thrilled her.

She was laughing again as they exited, the cool night air feeling exhilarating after the stuffiness of the restaurant.

“Dr Evans?” a voice asked curiously and her head spun, her stomach dropping as she recognised the voice.

“Frankie,” she replied tensely, her voice wavering, “what are you doing here?” she added, moderating her voice to a level of casualness that still sounded odd to her ears.

Frankie held up a bag. “Take away,” she offered, gesturing to the Vietnamese a few doors down before looking at Sarah intently.

“My apologies, Frankie Maddox this is Sarah Warren,” she offered, taking a step back as the two women shook hands.

“Ah, nice to put a face to the name,” Sarah greeted jovially. “You had any more trouble with your stalker?” she asked, releasing Frankie’s hand.

Frankie’s eyes darted to Zoe in confusion.

“She’s a cop, she was looking into your bag theft at Clifton,” Zoe explained.

Frankie nodded, her face relaxing. “I thought you looked familiar, I must’ve seen you at the station,” she replied with a seemingly casual acceptance, mouth formed into a forced smile, and Zoe could see an undercurrent of disquiet in her expression as her eyes briefly met Zoe’s again. “No, the stalker hasn’t been in contact for a while now,” she answered.

“Of course! You’re Ian’s girlfriend Frankie. I didn’t put the two together,” Sarah replied.

“Ex,” Frankie clarified cordially.

“Ah, sorry,” Sarah replied and Zoe saw her trying to assess the situation to see what the circumstances had been before giving up on saying anything further.

“Not a problem,” Frankie responded before meeting Zoe’s eyes again. “Well I must be off before this gets cold, it was nice to meet you,” Frankie offered, turning to Sarah.

“Likewise,” Sarah replied sincerely.

“Have a good evening,” Zoe chimed in, watching as Frankie turned toward her car, parked only a few spaces from Zoe’s.

When Frankie was out of earshot Sarah turned to Zoe, stepping just barely into the line of her personal space in a way that made Zoe’s heart speed up.

“Well if you’re not sick of me yet, want to go for a ride?” Sarah suggested, eyebrows raised, and Zoe could feel the nervous energy coming off the younger woman.

“What did you have in mind?” Zoe asked, mimicking Sarah’s expression.

“Ever been to the watch point east of the city?” Sarah asked as they fell back in step heading to their cars.

"You mean the place frequented by horny teens and serial killers?” Zoe asked, eyebrow quirked. “Can’t say that I have,” she answered, deadpan.

“Yes, it has a bad rap but it's beautiful at night - it was my favourite place when I first came here. London may have a few beautiful viewpoints but none are as peaceful as this one,” she explained, nostalgically. “Shall we go?” she asked, her voice a bit unsure.

Zoe hesitated. She wanted to go, to ignore the fact that the slim pretence of friendship was quickly disintegrating amidst this energy between them. “You planning on seducing me to my death?" she teased before she was able to edit herself, not finding the idea completely unappealing.

"You've figured out my master plan," Sarah chuckled, blushing as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before looking up again,

Zoe hesitated again. She knew she should go home but she didn't want to say goodbye, not yet. She nodded.

"Your car or mine?" she asked.

Sarah insisted her car was too messy and Zoe was happy to drive, it enabled her to maintain a modicum of control in a night that now teetered on the edge of possibility.

As they climbed a hill on the outside of town the trees gave way to a clearing and a small park. Zoe parked to the right of a simple playground, noting that a couple of cars parked to the left had fogged windows.

Although they weren't actually that far from the city the air was quite a bit sweeter and Zoe took a deep breath as she exited the car, trying to remember the last time she had been amongst so many trees. Probably not since camping when her boys were young.

She walked towards the cliff, watching the sprawl of the city laid out before her in lights that seemed to twinkle. She made her way to the fence at the edge, beyond which a steep cliff fell towards the lights. Sarah followed her, sitting on the bench situated a few feet from the fence and after a moment Zoe joined her, her eyes still on the view before them.

“There is a peace up here I never seem to find elsewhere. I thought you could use that,” Sarah offered sympathetically and Zoe turned to meet the sincerity in her eyes, feeling it like a hollow stab in her chest.

She was not prepared for the simple kindness of that statement or the intention behind it. She looked away from Sarah as she felt the tears burn behind her eyes, nodding in the half-light of the lamps and hoping Sarah couldn’t see her face. It _was_ peaceful but it just made her hurt for the peace she wouldn’t allow herself, the feeling that no matter how hard she tried everything she did was wrong.

"Hey, you okay?" Sarah asked, moving closer and putting her hand over Zoe's, white knuckled and aching from her grasp on the bench.

The gentle touch felt like a physical blow and Zoe pulled away, the chaos multiplying inside her, threatening to choke her as she stood up. She walked to the fence, leaning her arms on top of it as she tried to focus on her breathing. She heard Sarah come up behind her, hovering just outside her personal space uncertainly.

Zoe sniffled. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied, throwing her an unconvincing smile, “but maybe we should go back,” she suggested, looking frontward again.

“Okay,” Sarah responded, the confusion evident in her voice. “Did I say something wrong?” she asked, her voice almost desperate and Zoe felt it as a pang within her, a small betrayal.

She shook her head, not trusting her voice. She swallowed, wiped her eyes as inconspicuously as she could and took a tissue out to blow her nose before muttering ‘allergies,’ in unconvincing explanation.

Sarah only eyed her with suspicion as she followed Zoe to her car.

The silence on the way back was deafening but Zoe kept herself focused on the road, not sure quite how to pull off normal with the cocktail of feelings bubbling inside her.

When they were back on the main road Sarah spoke.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly and more demurely than Zoe had heard her say anything outside of mockery.

"I will be," she replied sincerely, nodding but not taking her eyes from the road.

"Did I do something wrong?" Sarah followed up a bit louder, her voice wavering, "I never meant to make you uncomfortable."

Zoe pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, releasing it before glancing at Sarah with a sad, forced-smile.

"No, you’ve been wonderful,” Zoe began, "It has nothing to do with you, it…"

"The good ole 'It's not you it's me' huh?" Sarah broke in awkwardly, relieving Zoe of her admission, and Zoe caught the pressed lips of her seeming anger as it transmuted into a smile and she chuckled.

"Well, quite," Zoe uttered, the corners of her mouth curving into a smile despite the tears threatening behind her eyes.

They sat in more comfortable silence until they were back at Sarah's car.

"You going to be okay?" Sarah asked again as she unbuckled her seatbelt and Zoe could feel her eyes on her.

She nodded. "Yeah," she replied, glancing over at Sarah, lips pressed together in a thin smile. "Thank you," she added simply.

"My pleasure," Sarah replied as she opened the door. She got out before leaning in again. "Call me if you ever need to talk," she offered, eyebrows furrowed in concern as she tried to smile.

"Will do," Zoe replied, her mouth curving into a smile even as she felt the tears sting behind her eyes, knowing it would be better for Sarah if they never saw each other again.

Sarah nodded before leaving the vehicle entirely and shutting the door behind her. As soon as she was clear Zoe drove away, numbness infusing her body.

She made her way home on autopilot, shutting the front door behind her as she leaned her back against it, falling to the floor as the suffocation of this place bore down on her. She had been better but Sarah seeing through her like that had thrown her into tumult, made her realise that the feelings that drove her compulsion to stalk Frankie were still there, that her own strength was glass made of sugar. She didn't want to feel that compelling need and she could feel herself developing that dependency on Sarah after only two days.

_'Peace up here. I thought you could use that.'_ Sarah had said, with a compassion that left no room for questioning the feeling behind it. She had known somehow. And if she had been able to see through her so easily it wouldn't be long until she realised what she had done, what she was capable of. She fought the need to lash out as a lump formed in her throat. She took her keys, digging the first one she could find into her thumb, the bite of it focusing her. She had done the right thing, stopped the joyful insanity of the past few days by separating herself from Sarah. She searched for the focus she had when she had outed herself to John, the confidence that seemed to evaporate when she needed it most, leaving her questioning everything she believed to be true. Maybe she was lying to herself, maybe she could get back to her life as it was.

_When I was lashing out at Frankie to hide my own insecurity,_ she reminded herself. No. There was no going back; she had to figure out how to cope with the feelings within her, raw and chaotic. She just wasn't sure how.

* * *

"Andy I know you're home," Frankie called out when her knock went unanswered.

She heard footsteps a moment later.

"And how would you know that - Dr Evans been teaching you stalking techniques?" came a voice through the door.

"Andy, I don't want to argue. I brought food, please let me in," Frankie begged.

There was a pause before she heard the door unlock and open.

"I'm sorry, that was low," Andy offered by way of apology, as he gestured for her to enter.

"Thank you," Frankie accepted, nodding as she entered the house, its tidiness surprising her every time.

"You do know it's because I care. You're too nice Frankie," he explained as they entered the kitchen, Andy taking out plates as she took out the takeaway. "She terrorised you. I just don’t understand how you can trust her,” he commented, turning to her with the plates.

"I think I probably know her better than most people," Frankie countered sadly. "She's lonely and hurt and I was nice and I was there, so she kissed me. I want her to help her Andy, there is nothing more to it," she explained, meeting his eyes and hoping he would understand. “Can you understand that, or at least trust me enough to believe that I know what I’m doing?”

He held her eyes for a moment before nodding. “I don’t understand it but you’ve come through shit smelling like roses before, so I will have to trust you, won’t I?” he replied. “But just because you brought me food," he added with a smile as he opened one of the takeaway cartons and started decanting food onto his plate.

“Promise me though, if she ever threatens you again you’ll go to the police,” Andy asked, looking up at Frankie.

Frankie held his eyes, weighing the possibility of it happening. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Zoe or believe that what Andy suggested was the right thing, but she wasn’t sure she could do it if it came to that.

She nodded and Andy exhaled, turning back to serving himself dinner.

* * *

Sarah heard Eliza's voice in the distance, coming through the fog of her thoughts. It wasn't odd for Eliza to drop in unannounced and the fact that Sarah hadn't stopped by after she left Zoe had probably sent up alarm bells for her long-suffering friend. She felt the couch shift under Eliza's weight as she sat down beside her, grabbing a handful of the popcorn from a half empty bowl in Sarah's lap.

“What are you watching?” she asked, but Sarah only shook her head.

“I don’t know, you can turn it over if you want,” she replied, handing the remote to Eliza without looking at her.

“You seem pretty intent, what’s happening?” Eliza inquired, watching the screen for any recognition.

“I don’t know,” Sarah replied, her voice cracking as she turned to her friend, eyes swollen. It was unfair of her to feel betrayed by Zoe’s sudden distancing but the way she had shut down scared her. She remembered that self-hate too well and seeing it in Zoe's eyes brought back memories she thought she had overcome. She knew she couldn't help Zoe if Zoe didn’t help herself and that upset her, made her realise she cared more than she had any right to.

Eliza took in Sarah’s face and instantly shifted, wrapping her arms around her.

“What happened?” she asked. “Is this to do with newbie-gay GP?”

“I don’t know what happened,” Sarah muttered into Eliza’s shoulder before shifting her face, “She’s in so much pain and I set that off somehow. Now she won’t talk to me,” she explained, the words causing her stomach to turn in knots.

“Maybe that’s for the best,” Eliza tried to comfort her. “Maybe it’s better to avoid getting embroiled in anyone else’s drama.”

Sarah pulled away from Eliza’s arms, looking her in the eyes intently, “But that’s just it - I don’t think she has anyone who cares. I’m worried about her, but I’m in no position to help,” she admitted, shifting front again and pulling a pillow to her chest as she stared at the television.

Eliza put a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze before releasing it.

“Just give yourself time,” she suggested softly, “give you both time.”

Sarah nodded unconvinced, still staring straight ahead. She felt Eliza shift off the couch and quietly leave the room, fighting off the second round of tears and wondering why this had affected her so deeply. There was something about Zoe that spoke to her, complexly layered in a way Sarah had rarely found, with a beautifully conscientious composure covering a mess of emotions, and she had only fallen harder the more time they spent together.

She pulled out her phone before putting it back, realising there was nothing she could say that would do any good if Zoe didn’t want to talk to her. Eliza was right: she needed to give it time.


	6. Chapter 6

Frankie was headed into her weekly meeting with Zoe when Dr Strider flagged her down in the hallway and beckoned her into his office before shutting the door behind them. 

He strode past her, head down for a few moments as if trying to formulate the words to initiate a challenging conversation, before looking up.

“I know you’re meeting with Zoe,” he stated. Frankie nodded, eyes wide as she tried to figure out where this was heading. Dr Strider rubbed the back of his neck before continuing. “Is she okay?” he asked. “I mean, have you seen her recently?” he amended. 

Frankie shook her head. “Not since our last meeting,” she replied. 

He nodded his head as he took in the information, his gaze clearly troubled. “Would you watch her today, see how she is? I’m worried about her and I know last time she came to you,” he rationalised, clearly not realising ‘came to you’ was actually when Zoe had broken into her house. 

“Of course,” Frankie agreed.

“Thank you,” Dr Strider replied, and Frankie could see a bit of relief on his otherwise concerned face as he walked back to the door and opened it for her. 

* * * 

Frankie’s first impression of Zoe was unchanged; she seemed her usual no-nonsense self, effective if a bit mercenary. She was more tense than the previous week, but that wasn’t necessarily indicative of a larger problem. It wasn’t until she noted the bandage on her thumb and a well-hidden emptiness in her shadowed eyes that Frankie realised Dr Strider was right. There was definitely something going on again. 

“Can I have a word?” Frankie asked when the meeting was over, Zoe meeting her eyes for the smallest fraction of time possible. 

“I’m sorry, I have a patient waiting,” she deflected as she collected the various files before her. “Excuse me,” she added, before walking past Frankie and into the corridor leading to her office. 

Frankie watched her in momentary confusion before shaking herself out of it. Something was definitely wrong and she needed to figure out what it was before Zoe did something else she would regret. 

She called the office, shifting her next patient on to Paula before driving to the Police Station. 

“Excuse me, can I please speak to PC Warren?” she asked reception when she arrived. 

The officer at reception was used to her asking for Ian and looked momentarily confused but relented without a word, picking up the phone and paging her. 

“She’ll be down in a moment,” he offered, and Frankie thanked him before taking a seat in the reception area. 

Sarah Warren arrived a few moments later, surprise momentarily covering her face as she recognised Frankie. 

“How can I help you, Ms Maddox?” she asked. 

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” Frankie asked, her eyes hesitantly combing the others within earshot. 

Sarah’s brow furrowed but she nodded, escorting Frankie towards an empty interview room. 

“I need your help,” Frankie uttered as soon as the door was shut, Sarah leading her towards the plain table and chairs. “With Zoe,” she added, watching Sarah’s expression shift momentarily into something inscrutable before composing again. 

“I don’t think she wants to speak to me,” Sarah uttered, taking a seat opposite Frankie. 

Frankie let out a huff of sarcastic laughter. “She doesn’t _want_ to speak to me either, but something is wrong,” she blurted out. “I can’t give you the details,” she added, watching as she splayed her hands across the desk nervously, “…but can you meet me at hers at 7?” she asked, looking up at the officer. “She should be home by then.” 

To Frankie’s surprise, PC Warren’s response was an immediate, unreserved nod. 

“I’ll see you then,” she confirmed as she stood and ushered Frankie out of the room. 

* * * 

Zoe left work as soon as she was able, exhausted from pretending everything was okay. Yet home offered no comfort except the small relief of being far from any prying gaze that might notice she was falling apart. She poured herself a glass of wine and took a sip before taking a deep breath. She put the glass down and made her way through the house, tidying - anything to keep herself from being still, from realising how alone she was. 

She had become so focused on not-being that the sight of her reflection in the hall mirror caught her by surprise. She held her own gaze for a moment, searching for something in those eyes that didn't fill her with despair. Tears burned behind her eyes but she wouldn’t acquiesce, unwilling to allow herself the relief as anger burned inside her - anger at herself for being such a mess when she had done everything right. She tightened her jaw, teeth grinding together as she lashed out at her reflection, putting her right fist through the mirror and feeling a moment of calm as it shattered beneath her unkind touch. The pain cut in a moment later and she looked at her hand, blood starting to run from numerous gashes, none serious, but deep enough to be covering her hand in small rivulets of blood. 

She made her way to the bathroom, picking out the pieces as best she could with her non-dominant hand before washing and doing her best to bandage it. 

She had just about finished when she heard the doorbell. The surprise of it threw her into a moment of shock before the panic kicked in, hastily finishing her bandage before making her way downstairs. She put her right hand behind her back as she opened the door with her left, her face blanching when she saw the two women standing beyond it. 

Her eyes flicked from Frankie to Sarah and back again, not sure whom she wanted to see least, whom she wanted to see her like _this_ least. She put her right hand on the edge of the door, a distancing mechanism, and flinched as the movement of her hand pressed against what felt like a shard of glass she had missed below the bandage. 

"What happened to your hand?" Frankie asked without preamble as she took a step forward, Zoe releasing her hold on the door and stepping back. 

Frankie followed her into the house without invitation, taking Zoe's hand in hers and Zoe watched Sarah follow suit until the three of them were standing in her hallway, not far from the shattered glass still on the floor. 

Sarah clocked the mirror as she shut the door and Zoe saw something akin to an empathic response. 

"It's fine you don't need to fuss," Zoe insisted as she took her hand from Frankie's with less finesse than required, another shot of pain causing her to flinch. 

“Well at least let me bandage it properly,” Frankie insisted, holding Zoe’s eyes determinedly. 

Zoe knew needed re-bandaging, and someone other than her to review it for more glass shards, but she didn’t want to allow herself or Frankie the consolation. She needed her messy pain. 

She looked at Sarah for a moment, standing a few steps behind Frankie with her hands behind her back, quietly uncomfortable, before meeting Frankie’s eyes again. 

“Did you tell her then? Is that why you’re here?” Zoe lashed out. 

“Zoe, I didn’t tell her anything,” Frankie replied, hands up, palms facing her in a way that was meant to calm but was actually frustratingly patronising. 

“Tell me what?” Sarah asked. “I mean if there is still something between you, all you needed to do was say,” she uttered, and Zoe could see the cracks in her facade where this clearly upset her. 

Frankie immediately shook her head, turning to face Sarah. “We’re just colleagues,” she clarified. 

“Colleagues who pretend you aren’t on a first name basis, get super awkward when they meet outside of work and you,” she motioned to Frankie, “knew something was wrong and come to get a complete stranger to help,” she finished with raised eyebrows. 

Frankie turned from Sarah to Zoe sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure she’d talk to me,” she explained, looking at Zoe but speaking to Sarah before turning back to Sarah. “Zoe hasn’t been having the best time of it,” she offered vaguely. 

“Frankie, stop,” Zoe exhaled softly, closing her eyes and holding up her injured hand, which had started to throb. “I don’t want to lie anymore,” she whispered, opening her eyes to meet Sarah’s and swallowing hard before trying to speak again. She tried not to focus on saving face, or the life she had that was already in tatters; instead she channeled Frankie’s belief that sometimes you can make things right.

“What Frankie means is that I was the one stalking her,” Zoe admitted, her eyes darting to the ceiling as the fear and freedom of those words stung behind her eyes. She looked at Sarah who was staring incredulously, eyes darting between her and Frankie. 

Sarah’s eyes furrowed. “But…” she offered before trailing off, and Zoe could see her mind whirring to their interview and everything she knew about the case. “Huh,” she eventually breathed out, looking back at Zoe as her eyes narrowed curiously before turning to Frankie. 

“And when you found out…” Sarah began before trailing off, checking off the facts like any good police officer. 

“I tried to help,” Frankie replied, looking at Zoe.

“She’ll never learn,” Zoe added in dryly, her resignation to whatever was about to happen giving her a strength she had been lacking for days if not weeks. 

“I hope I never do,” Frankie replied, eyebrows arched, a smile playing on her lips. 

Zoe exhaled loudly before turning to Sarah. "If you need to handcuff me then do but I'll come quietly."

"I hope you never come quietly," Sarah replied without missing a beat, her face colouring as Zoe felt her own go beet red, "...but there will be no need for handcuffing unless Frankie is planning on pressing charges," she pointed out, slipping into PC Warren without segue.

Frankie shook her head, eyes focused on Zoe in a way that was a bit disorienting but also reassuring. 

PC Warren turned to Zoe. "Well I'm not on duty, and I'm only here because Frankie was worried about you, so consider yourself not under arrest," she confirmed.

Zoe breathed out a heavy sigh. 

"Maybe you should let Frankie look at your hand," Sarah added, looking at the bandaged hand Zoe was still cradling in her other arm. 

"Thank you," Zoe replied, feeling the inadequacy of the words as she wished there was something she could say that would identify the extent of her gratitude, her heart swelling with kindness at the gesture.

She watched Sarah’s eyes shift to the floor, unable to meet hers. “Anytime,” she responded as she looked up self-consciously.

"I assume your first aid stuff is upstairs?" Frankie prompted. 

Zoe turned to her before nodding, and Frankie walked past her towards her upstairs, pausing to turn on the bottom step as Sarah spoke again. 

"I should be off," she remarked, shifting from one foot to the next. "Will you be okay here?" she asked, meeting Zoe's eyes before looking to Frankie for acknowledgment. 

Frankie nodded and the high of Sarah’s response to her criminality fell as Zoe tried not to feel like an inconvenient child as she escorted Sarah to her door. 

"Talk to you later?" Zoe asked pointedly as Sarah opened the door and stood in the doorway. 

"Yeah," she replied, but the smile look forced and Zoe furrowed her brows. 

"Thank you for coming," Frankie called from behind them.

"Of course," Sarah replied with that same smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, looking at Frankie for a moment before turning to Zoe.

"Talk to you later," Sarah uttered, meeting Zoe’s eyes before turning and stepping out the door and down the stairs.

Zoe watched her with a mixture of dread and hope as she didn’t turn back. 

* * * 

Frankie watched the interaction between Zoe and Sarah with interest, surprised by the other facets Sarah brought out in her troublesome friend/colleague. She was softer somehow, vulnerable in a way that was markedly different to the complete breakdown she had borne witness to. She cared what Sarah thought. The recognition hurt more than it should, made her feel less somehow. 

Zoe looked at her with curiosity when she turned from the door and Frankie realised she had been staring with furrowed brows. She quickly wiped the expression from her face and gestured for Zoe to follow her upstairs. 

“Jeesh Zoe, this is worse than I thought,” Frankie remarked as she unwound the hastily applied bandage. Although most of the cuts had stopped bleeding, a few still ran red. 

“I think there are still glass shards in a few,” Zoe commented sheepishly, “I can feel them when I move.”

Frankie sighed, pulling the tweezers from Zoe’s first aid kit and lifting her hand to better hit the light. 

She reviewed the hand methodically, carefully extracting two small shards. 

“Thank you,” Zoe offered in the extended silence.

“You really should go to A&E,” Frankie replied, moving Zoe’s hand again as she took out disinfectant, some anti-bacterial ointment and more bandage. 

Zoe winced as Frankie applied the disinfectant, momentarily biting her bottom lip. 

“I mean for caring,” Zoe replied sincerely as Frankie continue to clean the wound. 

“I never learn,” Frankie responded, smiling as she looked up and caught the compassion in Zoe’s eyes, new and sedate. She shifted her gaze back to Zoe’s hand. “She cares too you know,” she went on, referring to the now-absent Sarah as she dabbed ointment on the gauze and put them over the worst cuts. 

“She doesn’t know me,” Zoe replied with a practical disappointment, “And she’s surely having second thoughts now,” she added, clearly trying to keep her voice even. 

Frankie looked up again, hating to see that sadness cloud Zoe’s eyes. 

“I didn't really know you until you broke into my house,” she pointed out optimistically. 

Zoe chuckled. “I’ll try not to repeat that eh?” she replied, wincing again as Frankie started to bandage her hand. 

Frankie raised her eyebrows while still focused on Zoe’s hand. 

“Well she’ll be a bit more welcoming of the kiss I imagine,” she uttered, glancing up at Zoe briefly as Zoe’s eyes darted away and she swallowed. 

“Speaking of cops,” Zoe deflected carefully, “what happened with Ian?" she asked, sincere curiosity in her eyes. 

Frankie glanced up before returning her attention to Zoe's hand. 

"He slept with Paula," she replied succinctly. 

"Nurse Simms?" Zoe clarified, eyebrows raised in surprise. 

Frankie nodded. "She thought she was carrying his child for a while," Frankie added with clear frustration as she taped up the bandage. She leaned back and sighed. "He's now trying to win himself back into my good graces while Andy is being all macho and overprotective."

"Because of me," Zoe added, her un-bandaged hand feeling across the new bandage. 

Frankie nodded. "Because of Ian too but mostly you, yeah," Frankie agreed. “You’d think having the attention of two attractive men would be every straight woman’s dream but they are so childish," she added as she stood. 

"Thank you," Zoe offered, holding up her hand as she stood before exiting the bathroom. 

"No problem," Frankie responded as she followed Zoe out of the bathroom and down the stairs. 

“Want to stay for a drink?” Zoe offered as they reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Yeah okay,” Frankie agreed as she followed Zoe into her kitchen, not sure if she should be left alone quite yet and not quite wanting to leave herself.

“I hope I haven’t ruined your relationship with Andy,” Zoe offered as she pulled out a bottle of wine with her left hand, wordlessly asking Frankie’s opinion. 

Frankie nodded before walking around the island to take over, realising Zoe wouldn't be able to pour it easily with her bandaged hand. “You haven’t ruined anything," she responded as Zoe pulled out glasses one at a time. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, he used to be the more sensible of the pair but he can barely look me in the eyes anymore,” Zoe stated pointedly as Frankie poured the two glasses of wine.

“He’ll come around,” Frankie replied, not sure how much she believed it. She put the bottle down and took a glass, leaning against the island before taking a sip. 

“And will you two…?” Zoe asked, taking the remaining glass and leaning against her section of the counter, vaguely opposite Frankie, as she gestured with glass in hand.

Frankie shook her head. 

“I’m just trying to repair our friendship while getting him and Ian to back off for a while,” she explained. "I think I need a bit of space,” she added with a nod, surprised that the previously-unmade decision felt so sensible. 

Zoe nodded in agreement. "If you want me to talk to him," she offered, "try to convince him I'm no threat..."

Frankie exhaled a laugh. "I don't think that will help," she replied. 

An awkward silence settled between them as both took another sip of the wine.

When Frankie put her glass down Zoe was watching the stem of her glass intently, turning it in her fingers, her bandaged hand resting on the counter beside her.

"I don't know what would've happened to me if it had been anyone else," Zoe murmured, hesitantly meeting Frankie's eyes. "I'm sorry for what it's cost you," she added, pulling her lips together and looking down at the island in front of her. 

Frankie leaned over and put her free hand on Zoe’s bandaged one, Zoe's eyes on her instantly, focused and intense. 

"Just be happy okay?" she urged with a smile, before releasing her hand again and leaning back against the island. 

Zoe nodded. "Jeremy was in touch last week," she revealed, the smile on her face truer than almost any Frankie had seen. She watched as Zoe's face lit up further as she detailed her conversation with her eldest son. From there they somehow ended up talking about how Frankie became a nurse and before she realised what time it was, almost an hour had passed. It was surprisingly easy, talking to Zoe when her guard was down, and Frankie realised that there was so much more to her than she had ever considered. 

"I should probably go and let you call Sarah," Frankie offered.

Zoe looked at her watch, clearly surprised by the time and nodded, visibly concerned by the prospect. 

"Thank you, for tonight," she replied sombrely. 

"Anytime," Frankie offered before revising her statement. "And by any time I mean I don't ever want to be so worried about you that I drag a cop over and we find you with broken glass and a bloody hand. Clear?"

Zoe gave a mock-annoyed smile. "Yes Ma'am," she replied, following Frankie to the door. 

"Good luck with Sarah," she uttered as she exited the house. 

"Thanks, have a good night," Zoe replied, waving before shutting the door behind her. 

Frankie took the few steps to her car and got in, her mind running through the odd 360 from Zoe’s bloody hand to standing in her kitchen drinking wine. She was somewhat comforted that Zoe seemed more sensible than she had been in a while and hoped it was her admission to Sarah and not some elaborate coping mechanism. She remembered the expression on Zoe’s face when she spoke about her son and smiled at the memory - hoping that happiness was a sign of things to come for her. 

She wondered at her own future. Even if Andy forgave her for trusting Zoe they still had a long way to go before they were back to normal. And knowing Andy wanted more made that all the more complicated. Then there was Ian, trying to win her back with an avalanche of small gestures. She was tempted, but the betrayal was still too fresh. Part of her envied Zoe and her whole new set of choices, a fresh start. Maybe that was what she needed. She cared so much about both Andy and Ian that she had been limiting herself but what she really needed was something entirely different. She turned the volume up on the song on the radio, letting the music infuse her as she turned the corner onto her road, feeling the freedom of her future spread out before her. 

* * *

Zoe shut the door behind Frankie, the familiar warmth she had come to associate with the younger woman present but toned down, less urgent and demanding. It was nice talking to her. She had almost forgotten what it was like to have a friend and the more time she spent with Frankie the more she realised what a hole that absence had left in her life. It had been the lack of connection, made only more potent by the recognition of her sexuality, which had driven her to distraction for want of Frankie’s proximity. The desperation of it was gone now, fading with the recognition that she wasn’t a pariah, that she had a life to look forward to. Frankie had been there for her regardless, supporting her despite all of it and that recognition gave her hope. 

She thought of Sarah as she searched for her phone and her hands-free. She couldn’t deny that she appreciated the attention but there was more to it than that, there was a tension between them which sometimes flared into a blissful intensity and made her feel refreshed in a way she hadn’t in years. It was the feeling of being desired and desiring that she couldn’t quite wrap her head around, the fear and excitement of the unknown mixed with a trust she had in her for reasons she couldn’t substantiate. She knew what had happened earlier may have erased any possibility of a future between them, friendly or otherwise, but she also knew it was better that she didn’t have to lie to her anymore. She just hoped she could see past what was admittedly a giant stumbling block. 

As she hooked up her hands free she took a deep breath, releasing it before calling the recent contact.

* * * 

Sarah's mind was racing as she walked to her car, hearing the door shut behind her as she desperately tried to re-suture her understanding of Zoe back in to a coherent whole. She had been stalking Frankie. She tried to convince herself the hints hadn't been there but as she reflected on it there was always something fractured about Zoe. She had assumed it was the residual self-hatred from coming out but it was more than that - her internalised homophobia had been extreme and deeply hidden. 

She thought of her sister and the man who kept following her around her university campus, the notes on her door, the pictures drawn on her window, and wondered what Zoe had done, how bad it been. 

She made her way back home in a daze, wondering if she had just betrayed her duty as a cop. Zoe was a GP for goodness sake, surely that made her a safeguarding risk to her patients and their families. She took a breath. She wouldn't have known if it hadn't been for their burgeoning friendship, and despite what had happened she couldn't bring herself to believe that Zoe was a threat to anyone but herself. 

When she got back to her flat she threw together some vegetables and quick cook noodles into a makeshift stir fry and forced herself to eat, her mind still running through what she had seen, questioning her own blindness. 

She had cleaned up her plates and was about to head upstairs to her room when her phone rang. She picked it up hastily, her nerves reasserting themselves as she grabbed her handsfree from her bag and linked it, accepting the call before slipping her phone into her pocket. 

"Hi," came Zoe's voice: soft, gravelly, and more unsure than she had ever heard it. 

"So," Sarah responded without reciprocal greeting, forced confidence making her voice steel.

"I didn't want you to see me like that," Zoe uttered before audibly swallowing. 

"Oh you'd prefer I found out when you started stalking me?" Sarah snapped, her anger catching her unaware. 

“Ouch,” Zoe replied, a moment of silence lingering between them before she spoke again. “I know I have no way to prove it but I’m better,” she assured her.

"How do you know Zoe?" Sarah challenged, bitter that she had led herself on, gotten herself so entangled. "Could you have stopped yourself before?" she questioned. 

There was a pause then. 

"No," came a sombre voice across the line, full of regret and sadness. 

"Then why am I safe?" Sarah ranted, "Why is Frankie safe now, how are all your patients safe?"

Another pause and Sarah heard Zoe sigh. 

"I saw in Frankie…” she began, hesitating, “I saw what I was never able to be. She is unapologetically herself, completely free of artifice, and I hated the way it made me feel,” Zoe explained. “I understand why that is now, I understand what I was hiding from," she added, taking another breath before continuing. "And then she forgave me unreservedly for everything I had done," she uttered with a morosely self-deprecating chuckle. "I didn't deserve it but I've been trying to deserve it, trying to be... sane, for want of a better word,” she admitted, and Sarah could hear the conflict in her voice, remembered that crack in her facade and realised Zoe never believed she was good enough. 

She made her way upstairs as Zoe spoke, flopping herself on her bed. She could tell Zoe believed what she was saying but she had experienced too much to be able to get past it that easily. 

“Well you’re doing a great job there," she snarked before she could stop herself, remembering the shards of glass. She sat up on her bed, her hands on her head. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that."

Zoe gave another one of those wry chuckles. "Yes you did, and you're right," she agreed. 

Another pause. 

“Are we okay?” Zoe asked, and she sounded almost wounded, fearful. 

"I'm sorry Zoe I can't be okay with this," she replied with a tone she hoped was sympathetic. "I won't betray your trust, but I can't condone what you've done," she added more harshly, the words paining her even as she spoke them. 

Silence. 

"I understand," came Zoe's measured reply. "Thank you for everything you've done." 

"I hope you find happiness Zoe," Sarah offered sincerely. 

"Thank you, you too," came the even reply, followed by a click and she was gone. 

Sarah bit her lip against the finality of it. She knew she was crazy for being upset, she was safer out of the whole mess. Yet part of her wanted to believe, against all evidence to the contrary, that she was making the wrong decision. 

* * * 

Zoe put the phone down and wiped the tears coalescing in her left eye. She knew not everyone would have a Frankie-level of understanding but having Sarah give up on her hurt more than it should have. She felt the rejection feed her feeling of deficiency, setting off a moment of rising panic she forced away with a few deep breaths. She was surprised to find she felt better: not perfect, but at least not overwhelmed. 

She took another breath, feeling the smile cross her face. It was a small victory but a victory nonetheless.


	7. Chapter 7

Frankie flipped to Zoe’s contact on her phone as she walked down her stairs and to her car, sending off a quick message before opening the door and putting her phone in its usual place above her dashboard.

* * *

Zoe was in the queue for coffee when her phone beeped. She took it out and read the message, a smile breaking across her face at the contact before she frowned at the content.

_‘How did it go with Sarah last night?’_

She put her phone away as she was called forward, giving her order and paying before taking it out again to type a slow, one-handed response.

_‘Not great but it’s okay,’_ Zoe replied, waiting for her coffee. She stared at her phone for a few moments before she heard her order, thoughtlessly smiling at the barista who handed her the coffee.

She pocketed her phone again and made her way to work. As she pulled into the car park at Clifton, it chimed again.

_‘Takeaway at mine tonight. You're not allowed to mope.’_ Zoe read, an incredulous laugh passing her lips even as she tried to ignore the warmth fostered by the offer.

_‘I can cope just fine, thanks.’_ Zoe texted back immediately before getting out of her car and shutting the door. Even though she wasn’t entirely convinced, the last thing she wanted was Frankie feeling like she needed taking care of.

She unlocked her phone again, typing out another message. She looked at it for a moment, unsure, before hitting send and entering the clinic.

_‘…but the least I can do is make you dinner, so mine?’_

Instant regret turned to indecision as Zoe entered her office. Part of her was screaming to stay away, worried that seeing Frankie outside of work would put her back where she had been – needing the illusion of Frankie’s presence on a visceral level. But it felt different now and Frankie was willing to see her, in spite of everything. She couldn’t find it in herself to turn away from the comfort she found in that.

_‘Okay – let me know when,’_ came the reply, and Zoe’s face lit up in spite of herself.

* * *

Frankie stood outside Zoe's door, wondering for a moment why she was here. But she had suggested dinner after all, wanting an excuse to ensure that Zoe was okay now that Sarah had rejected her. The fact Zoe changed the location shouldn’t matter - surely it was better that Zoe wasn’t trying to escape her house at every opportunity? And yet Frankie’s nerves would not subside. She took a deep breath and rang the bell, shifting her weight between her feet as she heard footsteps before Zoe opened the door.

Zoe smiled but it didn't reach her eyes, and Frankie could tell she was nervous as well.

"Come on in, dinner is already on," Zoe welcomed, gesturing for Frankie to come in.

Frankie handed the beer and wine she had purchased. "Least I could do was provide the intoxication," she offered with a wry smile.

Zoe raised an eyebrow but said nothing as she took the wine bottle with her good hand and made her way back into her kitchen as Frankie followed with the beer.

"Don't suppose you mind pouring a glass?" Zoe asked as she turned back to the stove, "Glasses are up there," she stated, pointing to a cupboard beside the stove.

Frankie went over to the cupboard Zoe had indicated and dutifully took out a wine glass for Zoe and a pint glass for herself, pouring the wine and beer respectively. She looked over at Zoe as she took a sip of her beer; grasping for something to say as the silence extended between them awkwardly.

"So what happened with Sarah?" she asked with a forced casualness.

Zoe shot her a look that was a mixture of surprise, anger and sadness before turning back to the stove to stab the vegetables.

"She doesn't want to see me anymore," Zoe replied, the restraint in her voice audible as she turned to Frankie and took the glass of wine from the counter, taking a sip before continuing. "I don't blame her of course," she added with an attempt at indifference, but Frankie could see the pain in her expression, the way she wouldn't meet her eyes.

Frankie took a step sideways into Zoe's eyeline, but she was staring absently at the space.

"Hey! We’ll have none of that,” she exclaimed and Zoe shook herself out of it, meeting Frankie’s eyes with a forced smile.

“To new beginnings,” she offered, raising her glass. Frankie did the same and their eyes locked for a moment before they each took a sip.

*

The evening wasn’t as awkward as Frankie feared it might be, although the alcohol certainly helped as they consumed a fair bit of it throughout the night.

Frankie brought up work as they sat down, and general conversations about particular patients eased into Frankie talking about ideal pathways and Zoe pointing out the hindrances in the system. Although the dynamic was familiar the atmosphere was very different from their usual bickering, with Zoe seeming to enjoy brainstorming ways to improve patient care. Frankie had never understood Zoe's drive to be a GP but her passion came through as she started talking about education provision and re-districting to enable an adequate workforce/patient ratio. As they finished dinner and moved into the living room the conversation morphed into wider things: politics (where they generally agreed), movies (where Zoe teased her for being a hopeless sap), and relationships.

“Andy any closer to forgiving me?” Zoe asked, shifting on the sofa with her wine, Frankie seated in the chair beside.

Frankie shook her head, a giggle escaping before she could tamp it down. She really had consumed far too much alcohol.

“Me? Yes. You? No,” she offered, trying to moderate her expression.

“Why is that funny?” Zoe asked, but her eyes were smiling and it was beautiful to see; Zoe lacking the weight that usually kept her so focused and restrained.

Frankie fixed her face and shook her head. “It’s not,” she said with all seriousness before breaking out in another giggle. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she repeated, fighting to gain control of her sudden fit of amusement.

“Well I’m glad to know your friend seeing me as an irredeemable lunatic is amusing you,” Zoe replied dryly, her wry smile softening the pain in the words.

Frankie sobered up at that. “I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“It’s okay,” Zoe replied. “Just means I don’t need to put him on my Christmas list,” she added, her face breaking into a smile which threw Frankie into another giggling fit.

“Have you seen Ian recently?” Zoe asked once Frankie had recovered herself, raising an eyebrow meaningfully.

Frankie shook her head. “I think I’ll be ordering off menu if I ever get out again,” she admitted.

“Good for you,” Zoe replied, raising her glass again. “To the great adventure,” she toasted.

Frankie toasted and took a sip, looking at her beer for a moment before returning to see Zoe’s eyes, gazing at her clear and intense before shifting away. Frankie cleared her throat.

“What about you?” she asked carefully.

Zoe shrugged, putting her glass down on the coaster on the table beside her.

"What happened to 'great adventure’?” she teased.

"I'm not in any rush,” Zoe offered, almost solemnly, forcing a small smile on her face as she looked at the wine beside her for a moment before meeting Frankie’s eyes again.

Frankie raised her eyebrows. “You can’t let Sarah dictate how you see yourself,” she pointed out carefully.

Zoe shook her head. “It isn’t that. I need some time to figure out who I am, now,” she replied more confidently as she picked up her glass again and slowly turned the stem between her fingers.

Frankie nodded, unable to disagree. She looked around the room, anxious to find anything to pull them out of this leaden silence, her eyes falling on a painting.

And Zoe was more than happy to talk about it, it leading them to more trivial conversation until Frankie realised she should be getting home.

Zoe stood on the inside of the door as Frankie left. “Have a good night,” she offered and Frankie could see the honest warmth in her expression.

“You too,” Frankie replied, pulling herself away from Zoe’s gaze and turning back to her car.

* * *

Zoe shut the door behind Frankie, feeling better than she had in a while. It had been so long since she had spent the evening with someone else just because she wanted to, apart from Sarah, of course. The thought stung as it arrived but she brushed it away, she wouldn’t let it spoil the sedate wholeness the evening had left her with - the seemingly contradictory sense of normalcy.

She found her phone and unlocked it, pausing before finding her eldest's contact number and ringing it. Her heart beat grew loud as the rings continued, finally switching to voicemail.

"Hi Jeremy, it's mum. I was hoping we could have dinner. Just you, me, and Will. Hope you’re well. Love you.”

She hung up the call before finding the number of her youngest, smiling as he answered. She had missed hearing his voice. She repeated the offer to Will, who agreed in that seemingly carefree manner of one in his early 20s, but she could hear the hesitance in it. She knew him well enough to be able to picture his expression, the smile in his voice not reflected on his face. Although they had stopped by this Christmas, it was a passing visit and this would be the first time they had eaten together since James left. It was in part her fault, she had become distant, and she hoped this was a step in clawing that back.

"Let me know when you and Jeremy are free. And let me know what you want," she replied.

"Hum," Will muttered, pretending to consider with a voice she knew well.

"You want Tapas," she pronounced, voicing her son’s wordless request in reluctant tones as she was struck with the memory of visiting the same restaurant with with Sarah, breaking down in the park afterwards because Sarah saw through her.

“Oh, you know it," Will enthused.

Zoe couldn't keep the smile from her face despite the discomfort in her chest.

"Done, just let me know when you can both make it," she agreed, knowing her eldest might not be so easily convinced.

"Will see what I can do but Jer's been really busy," Will remarked with clear annoyance and Zoe remembered when they were little and Will wanted to join in with Jeremy's friends. This was different somehow though, it had an undercurrent of anger she wasn't used to existing between them.

“Everything okay?” she asked, brow furrowing.

“What? Yeah,” Will replied a bit too quickly, his voice telling a different story to his words.

“Okay,” Zoe allowed, knowing she couldn’t push too hard.

“See you soon mum,” Will offered. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” she got in before he hung up, the words making her heart swell despite the problem between her sons that she hadn’t been able to identify.

* * *

She got a call from Jeremy the next day and he seemed happier than she ever remembered him. He confirmed dinner for Saturday before she asked how he had been doing. Surprisingly he started discussing his new flat and the new game he was developing, far more verbose than usual, and she realised how much she had missed in the last year and a half of infrequent contact - how much her son had matured.

She waited for Saturday with a mixture of anxiety and excitement, Frankie instantly remarking on her improved mood when she saw her for their usual weekly meeting. And she was happier than she had been in a long while, as long as she didn't focus on how she was going to tell her sons about the ways _her_ life had changed.

* * *

When she got to the restaurant on Saturday, Jeremy and Will were already seated in a booth they had often frequented, sitting on opposite sides with drinks in hand.

They stood as she came to the booth, Jeremy giving her a hug that was only partially perfunctory before sitting down again. She turned to Will and hugged him, her youngest kissing her on the cheek before sitting again, allowing her to slide down beside him. And for a moment it was how it always was, sitting with them in this place, but James's absence beside Jeremy was a stark reminder of how different it was this time. She opened the menu as the waitress approached, putting in her drink order before glancing at the boys.

"We might be able to order too," she added, both boys nodding as they submitted their usuals. She did the same before thanking the waitress and handing over her menu.

"So how've you both been?" she asked after the waitress left, glancing from one son to the next.

Will glanced at Jeremy before piping up with how his accountancy programme was going, what his next steps were and who he was flat-sharing with now.

"What about you, mum?" Jeremy asked as Will's tale hit a lull.

The question surprised her, a knot instantly forming in her stomach, she folded her hands in front of her and looked down at them.

"Well, I've actually started dating again," she admitted, trying to not make a big deal of it as she caught Jeremy's eye and then Will's.

"Dad's been living with Tiffany for ages. It's about time," Will teased as he looked past her to the approaching figure.

"I thought I knew this order," came a familiar voice, and Zoe turned to see her long-time patient carrying their food. "Been a while," she added as she put the multitudes of trays in front of them.

"Thanks Sylvie, how've you been?" she asked warmly.

"Good," Sylvie responded, "and you? Jorge tells me you had a friend here a few weeks back. He said you and she seemed to be having a good time," she added, meeting Zoe's eyes with the implicit question she would never ask.

Zoe felt the blush on her face as she fought to maintain her composure. She nodded. "I’m doing well, thank you," she replied with an honest smile.

Sylvie nodded. "It's good to see you Dr Evans, enjoy your meal."

When she turned back to her boys Will was staring at her with an eyebrow raised.

"What was that about?" he asked.

Zoe opened her mouth to speak before glancing down at the plates before her, nerves making the idea of food nauseating.

"Wait, she's not just a friend is she? This woman you came here with," Will observed astutely.

Zoe looked up at Jeremy who met her eyes with something akin to relief beneath the surprise. She turned to Will and nodded.

"Well at least we now have something in common, we all like girls," he teased, the sharp edge of anger obvious, "Oh wait..." he added looking at Jeremy pointedly.

"Shut the fuck up," Jeremy snapped.

"Excuse me," Zoe interjected raising her voice. "I raised both of you to have more respect than this. Jeremy, apologise to your brother and Will, what the hell has gotten into you?" She asked astounded.

"It's what's gotten into Jeremy that is much more interesting," Will replied archly.

Zoe turned to her eldest sympathetically before glaring at Will.

"What happened between you two? Will, you are being utterly unfair to your brother..." she began, before Jeremy interjected softly.

"Mum, I'm not gay."

"Tell that to Tiffany's brother," Will snarked.

Zoe turned from Will to Jeremy and back, feeling at a complete loss to control the situation unfolding in a way she never expected.

Jeremy exhaled.

"Yes, I've been dating Tim but that doesn't mean I don't still like girls," he clarified pointedly.

Zoe exhaled, reaching out to squeeze her son's hand before releasing and pulling away. She turned to Will.

"When did you become so judgmental?" she asked.

"He's just annoyed that I didn't tell him," Jeremy explained.

Zoe met Will's eye and realised it was the truth.

"Tiffany knew but I had to find out by walking in on you two making out," he pointed out softly, eyes furrowed.

"Not my fault Tim told her before I told you," Jeremy pointed out, annoyance clear.

"Yeah well...." Will began, but Zoe cut him off.

"Stop it, both of you," she insisted with a tone that brokered no argument, and both boys fell silent.

"Sorry Jer," Will muttered under his breath as he went for a bit of food from one of Jeremy's plates.

"You better be asswipe," he replied teasingly as he smacked Will's hand away from his plate and dove for one of Will's.

Zoe rolled her eyes, wondering when boys actually matured. With the tension broken they began eating in earnest, sharing some of the plates and bemoaning the lack of the sweet potato chilli chips, one of James's orders.

"Dad was good for something," Will joked, but Zoe felt the pain hidden behind his joviality.

"I did love your father once," she comforted. "And he gave me you two," she pointed out with a smile, Will and Jeremy groaning in tandem.

"So what about you mum, you still seeing whoever you brought here?" Jeremy asked.

Zoe swallowed hard, trying to compose the nerves that still sprung up whenever she had to face thoughts of Sarah. She shook her head before clearing her throat.

"No, we...uh...it didn’t work out," she admitted as she reached for her glass of wine.

"You need an online profile," Will suggested between bites.

"Yes!" Jeremy enthused, "we can help if you want."

Zoe nearly snorted on the wine she had been sipping. "I think I can handle my own dating profile if I ever decide I want one," she remarked, an eyebrow arching as she put down her glass.

Jeremy shrugged and speared garlic fried broccoli from one of her plates. "Suit yourself," he replied, popping it in his mouth.

The rest of the meal was uneventful but in the most wonderful way, Zoe enjoying the company of her sons who continued to tease each other in turn, seemingly unconcerned with her new life. It was the happiest she had been for a long time.

* * *

Frankie shut the door behind her, listening for the car engine of the slimy fitness instructor who, she now realised, only insisted on picking her up so he could drop her off, assuming she'd invite him in. She had spent most of the night trying to ward off his advances and being home alone was a wonderful relief. At least he paid for the meal, she thought as she walked up the stairs to get changed.

After she showered she pulled out her phone, flicking to Zoe's contact.

_‘First horrid date. I blame you,’ _she typed, second guessing it before sending - hoping Zoe saw the humour.__

__She went back downstairs and sat on the couch, turning on the telly as the response came through._ _

___‘Does that mean dinner at yours tomorrow?’_ _ _

____Frankie smiled, something about Zoe's impending presence erasing the stressors of the evening._ _ _ _

_____‘I guess so,’ _she texted back.__ _ _ _ _

______It quickly became tradition, dinner together after bad dates, and Frankie had so many that Zoe teasingly complained she hadn’t eaten this much takeaway since her college days._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe eventually started dating too, finally breaking down and creating an online profile. According to her it was a way to get on with her life, even if Frankie didn’t think her heart was in it._ _ _ _ _ _

______The morning after Zoe’s second date Frankie walked into her office to find Zoe seated in front of her desk with an extra cup of coffee. She looked shaken and Frankie shut the door and pulled a spare chair beside her._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What is it?” she asked, leaning forward. Her hand reached out for her arm but Zoe saw it, looking at the colleagues outside the door with a hint of panic, and Frankie withdrew._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I..um..just wanted to apologise again for everything that happened…before,” she uttered hesitantly, her eyes dancing around with a lack of focus she hadn’t seen in months._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie watched her for a moment, trying to understand where this was coming from._ _ _ _ _ _

______“My..um.. date last night kissed me unexpectedly and rather forcefully and…” Zoe looked up and met Frankie’s eyes. “I’m just sorry I made you that uncomfortable,” she admitted._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie’s brows furrowed. “You okay? She didn’t…?” Frankie enquired._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe shook her head. “Nothing too untoward, I assure you,” she confirmed, reclaiming some of her usual poise, “but it made me realise how much of an… imposition I made on you,” she confessed, meeting Frankie’s eyes again, clear and apologetic._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie leaned back. “Water under the bridge,” she assured her with a smile._ _ _ _ _ _

______The edge of Zoe’s lips quirked up in a smile and Frankie felt relief run through her as she saw Zoe’s anxiety ease._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I really don’t deserve you,” Zoe stated as she stood._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Nonsense, you’re too hard on yourself - I’m exactly what you deserve,” Frankie chimed back. “Thanks for the coffee,” she added as Zoe turned to go._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You‘re welcome,” Zoe replied as she opened Frankie’s door, poise clicking into place with a ruthless efficiency as she exited the office._ _ _ _ _ _

______The next day Frankie made a point of meeting Zoe at the coffee place, wanting to make sure she was still okay. Zoe smiled when she saw her, putting in Frankie’s order as well when she was called to the counter. They sat down for a moment by joint agreement, enjoying the coffee and the company before they were forced to leave for their impending appointments. From that day it became a semi-regular occurrence, at least when Frankie woke up remotely on time, and they soon started meeting earlier without either of them planning it, the extra time allowing them to chat before work. At one point Andy remarked that Frankie had never been so consistently on time for work, but she just smiled wordlessly._ _ _ _ _ _

______*_ _ _ _ _ _

______"Is it easier dating women?" Frankie asked one night when they were eating takeaway at hers._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe swallowed a bite of curry before looking up at Frankie attentively._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Why do you ask?" she replied, and Frankie found a searching intensity in her gaze that made her eyes fall to her food._ _ _ _ _ _

______"I just wondered what that was like, trying to find someone without knowing what you really wanted, and if it was any easier now,” Frankie explained, moving her food around her plate before meeting Zoe’s eyes hesitantly._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Does anyone know what they want, really?" Zoe challenged, raising her eyebrows._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie stared back at her, brows furrowed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I'm trying to figure out if dating is worth it. I was with Ian for so long and I don't remember it being this hard. Is it supposed to feel hard?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______"Says the woman who never backs down from a fight," Zoe pointed out._ _ _ _ _ _

______"That's different, that's work," Frankie replied, "They need me to fight for them."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe rolled her eyes. "Hero complex," she pointed out with a teasing grin._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie narrowed her eyes but said nothing. It had become a running joke between them, the lengths Frankie would go to to help every patient._ _ _ _ _ _

______"You want to know if it's easier for me to find someone I connect with now that I realise I’m more attracted to women," Zoe summarised. “Or is this just your way of telling me you’re thinking about switching teams,” she joked, eyebrow raised._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ha,” Frankie replied dryly, the sound missing the force of conviction to her own ears. “The former," she clarified._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe’s mouth formed a thin-lipped smile which faded as she looked back at her plate. "No," she replied earnestly. "It isn't easier _per se._ There might be less obnoxious posturing with women but everyone is complicated - everyone comes with their own baggage,” she replied seriously, before taking a bite._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie nodded, her spoon swirling in her curry absently._ _ _ _ _ _

______“How did you figure out Sarah was gay?” She asked, curious how that had happened so close to Zoe’s own realisation. “You met her when she was investigating the theft right?” She added, skirting around specifying what theft._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe nodded, swallowing her bite of food. “It’s not that interesting of a story,” she replied but Frankie could see her reluctance and raised her eyebrows._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Okay, okay,” Zoe relented, taking a breath before relaying her accidental outing._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie stared wide-eyed, trying to keep the laughter from bubbling up as Zoe sent her a mock glare._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m glad my embarrassment amuses you,” she noted deadpan when she had finished explaining._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That is definitely interesting,” Frankie pointed out with raised brows._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe nodded, staring into her curry sombrely for a moment before speaking again._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Maybe you should give one of the boys another chance," Zoe suggested, cautiously changing the subject._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie looked up. “So much for 'great adventure'?" she teased, reminding Zoe of her words a few months ago._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Well I had to make us feel better somehow didn't I?” Zoe pointed out with a forced half-smile, “If I remember correctly I was a little drunk as well," she reminded her._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Humph," Frankie replied with a mock glare, softening as she caught that faraway glance that sometimes crossed Zoe's features._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Still miss Sarah?" Frankie asked carefully._ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe stared at her wide-eyed for a moment and Frankie saw the flicker of indecision on her face before the expression faded and she nodded, taking another bite of her dinner. When she had swallowed she looked up at Frankie._ _ _ _ _ _

______"I know it seems ridiculous but she was easy to be with," Zoe explained. “But it was a lot to accept, and I acknowledge that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______"Think she'll ever get over it?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______Zoe shook her head. "Not as easily as you have. I'm moving on."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"Slowly," Frankie teased, trying to lighten the mood, but it fell flat. "I just mean..."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"I know," Zoe cut her off. "But I'm in no rush,” she replied, the smile on her lips clearly forced._ _ _ _ _ _

______Frankie saw the pain behind that statement. She knew part of it was true, Zoe was stronger now than she ever had been but she was also lonely, which Frankie could only sometimes alleviate. She continued to watch her friend eat in silence, her heart swelling at the recognition of how far they had come._ _ _ _ _ _


	8. Chapter 8

Zoe pulled her car up to the restaurant that had been booked for the work Christmas do. She hated attending these things but had at least ended things with the woman she had met recently – her fifth attempt at dating - and thus could spend the night on her own terms. She parked the car, changed into her heels and grabbed her clutch before getting out. She was wearing a simple but elegant flowing blue dress, ears and neck ornamented with small stones of quartz and aquamarine. She pulled her silvery-grey wrap tighter around her shoulders as she walked up the stairs to the restaurant, remembering that John’s wife would be there and if there was anyone who could keep dinner conversation going in spite of the reticence of other parties, it was Helen Strider.

* * * 

Sarah saw Zoe enter the restaurant, momentarily cursing the coincidence that had their gatherings booked for the same day. She continued to watch her, hating the fact that her feelings clearly hadn’t abated even though it had been five or so months since she had last spoken to her. 

She watched Zoe’s eyes trail across the room, unable to look away before their eyes meet. She gave a weak smile and a wave, watching as Zoe hesitated for a moment before smiling back at her, warm and sad at the same time. Zoe turned away, someone calling her name, and Sarah turned back to her own party, grabbing a nearby champagne and taking a large sip. 

* * * 

Zoe sat beside Helen as the waiter took their drink orders. It wasn’t until he moved from view that she noticed Sarah sitting opposite her, two tables over. She felt her teeth on her lip, releasing it as she realised the disappointment was still as bitingly fresh as that evening months ago. None of the, admittedly small, circle of women she’d chatted with or dated since that night had even come close to the easy interaction they once had and she felt a moment of pain at the loss of it. 

Her train of thought was interrupted by Helen, who turned to comment on the menu, pulling her into conversation. 

They were just starting the main meal when Helen began regaling Zoe with tales of her sister-in-law’s friend and Zoe quickly realised this was an attempted set up, remembering John mentioning the same person months ago. She listened politely and nodded at the right times, finding her eyes drifting across the room to watch Sarah talking animatedly to her colleagues, Ian sitting a few seats over from her. 

She shifted her attention back as Helen paused. She had asked a question. Zoe thought back, catching the words Helen had spoken with an inward sigh of relief. 

“I’ve actually just left a relationship, but thank you and John for thinking of me,” Zoe replied politely. 

“Oh, but you and Margie would get on like a house on fire, I just _know_ it,” Helen insisted as Zoe took another bite of her meal, remembering one of the things that made Helen such a great hostess was her stubbornness. 

John, seeing Zoe was being inundated by his wife, pulled her attention away and left Zoe in the companionable, if dull, conversation of her other colleagues.

When they had finished desert she excused herself, grabbing her wrap and making her way out to the empty balcony. The sky was dark but clear, twinkling with the light from billions of stars and she felt a pang, remembering that night on the cliff with Sarah. She shook her head, pushing the memory aside as she allowed herself to enjoy the peace and serenity of the moment. 

* * *   
Sarah tried to enjoy herself but her eyes kept gravitating to Zoe. She understood so much from just watching her, the way her polite smile was betrayed by the dullness in her eyes, the way her fingers found the wine glass a little too readily, the way her laugh had no soul in it; these were little things that shouldn’t be glaringly obvious to someone who had only known her for a few weeks. And yet here Sarah was, memorising every moment she could steal, careful to never meet her occasionally roving eyes. 

They were still eating dinner when Zoe rose and crossed to the balcony. Sarah waited for a few minutes, warring with herself, before grabbing her blazer and following her.

The cold air was a shock and she put her blazer on as she approached the older woman. 

The door shut and Zoe’s head snapped around, noticing Sarah’s presence and stepping away from the railing. 

"I'll go,” she volunteered instantly.

Sarah inwardly winced, hating that Zoe’s instinctive reaction was to distance herself. 

"It's okay," she replied as she crossed the rest of the distance and leaned her arms on the balcony railing. “Besides, you were here first,” she added, not quite able to admit that she had wanted to see her. 

Zoe turned back to the spot she had vacated a moment ago. 

"It's good to see you," Sarah acknowledged softly, her eyes focused on her hands before she stole a glance at Zoe. 

Zoe pressed her lips together, trying not to smile as she nodded.

"It's nice to be seen," she replied, meeting Sarah's eyes with a tentative smile. 

Sarah felt herself tense and it must've shown on her face because she saw Zoe's eyes widen. 

"I didn't mean to imply that you don't see me when I _am_ around," Zoe clarified, stepping away from the balcony railing again, hands extended. 

"I didn't think that was what you meant," Sarah lied. 

Zoe dropped her hands and folded them in front of her, raising her eyebrows. 

"Okay so that is where my mind went," Sarah admitted; "I'm a cop, I'm supposed to be paranoid.”

Zoe turned back to the railing. 

"Shall we try to forget everything that happened and start over?” Sarah suggested, turning to Zoe and taking a step forward. “Hi, I'm Sarah," she offered, extending her hand. 

Zoe looked at Sarah’s hand before meeting her eyes. "No," she replied. 

"No?" Sarah echoed the word, confused, as she slowly dropped her hand. 

Zoe turned her whole body to face Sarah, eyes intent. 

“If I’m going to earn your trust I want to do it regardless of what you know," she stated. 

Sarah was quiet for a moment, heart soaring at the possibility behind Zoe’s words even as she tried to remind herself why she had distanced herself in the first place. The fear came back as a small pulse but seemed insignificant in the face of the adrenaline in this moment. 

"Deal," she replied, pushing away the second thoughts as she held out her hand out again. 

A thin smile broke across Zoe's lips as she extended her hand to Sarah's and they shook on it. 

They held the grip for a moment too long and Sarah could feel light tingling across her hand as she forced herself to withdraw.

"So, dinner?" she asked casually, trying to distract herself from the residual feeling of Zoe’s touch. 

"Yeah we should get back," Zoe agreed, throwing a glance to the door resignedly. 

"No, I...uh... meant some other day. You and me," Sarah clarified, glad to see Zoe's eyes light up for the briefest of moments before she cleared her throat. 

"Oh...ok. Sure," Zoe agreed, her lips curving into a hesitant grin as she nodded. 

"Good," Sarah replied with a smile. "I'll give you a ring," she added as she began to make her way towards the balcony door. 

“Talk to you then,” Zoe agreed as Sarah turned from her and left the balcony. 

* * * 

Zoe felt her face contort into an almost painful smile as she returned to the balcony railing to look across the sparkling lights of the city. 

Part of her hated the fact that this woman had such a hold on her but her heart soared in spite of it, hope springing up into her chest even as something deeper niggled, a warning quickly overridden. 

* * * 

It was late the next night when Sarah finally had a chance to call, apologising for the time and relaying the reason for it, instantly boiling over with the stresses of the day. 

"Well hello to you too," Zoe cut her off with a laugh and the sound of it eased Sarah somewhat, allowed her to forget the groundless hatred she had seen in the day. 

She had forgotten just how easy it was to talk to Zoe, dinner plans flowing into conversation effortlessly despite the thing Sarah couldn’t bring herself to talk about. 

They had been speaking for over an hour when Zoe interrupted them, saying her battery was dying. 

“We should get some sleep anyway,” Zoe pointed out. “See you on Wednesday?” she asked, reaffirming their earlier plans. 

“Yes, of course,” Sarah confirmed. “See you then. Sleep well,” she added before signing off, her body abuzz with anticipation. 

* * *

On Thursday morning Zoe dropped by the station on her way to work with coffee and a bagel. Sarah had cancelled dinner last minute the night before to assist with an investigation and Zoe figured she could use a morning pick-me-up. 

The receptionist buzzed Sarah, who came down looking a little the worse for wear but remarkably together for someone who had pulled an all-nighter. 

She was smiling as she came into view, her eyes gravitating to the coffee in Zoe's hand like one dying of thirst. 

Zoe gave a small laugh as she handed over the beverage, Sarah's profuse thanks not fully able to distract her from the brush of their fingers. 

"I'm sorry again about last night," Sarah apologised once she had had a few sips of the still-hot liquid. 

"It's no problem - maybe lunch later this week?" Zoe asked. 

Sarah nodded as a man appeared in the doorway. 

"Warren," he called with a twitch of his head. 

"Duty calls," Sarah stated as Zoe pressed the bag with the bagel into her hand. "Thank you again," she uttered as she stepped away, holding the coffee and bagel aloft with a smile. 

*   
Lunch was no more successful as Zoe's clinic overran, Sarah returning the favour by bringing by sandwiches and they sat in Zoe's office for the 10 minutes she had before her afternoon appointments. 

Dinner was rescheduled three more times before it happened. 

When it arrived Zoe kept checking her phone to see if Sarah was going to call last minute, almost not believing it when she heard her doorbell seven minutes before she was due to pick her up. 

They went to a moderately upscale Italian restaurant not far from Zoe's house, deciding to walk in the unusually warm January weather. After some initial awkwardness, the general pleasantries flowed easily into conversation as Sarah followed her usual tangent into an amusing side note and Zoe found she was enjoying herself even before they made it to the restaurant. 

The wine only made the nervous energy fluttering within her warmer and more intense so that as they walked back home - eating ice cream bars they picked up at M&S when they realised they wanted dessert after all - she was positively beaming with the intoxication of it all. 

They sidetracked to a local park where there was a concert on the bandstand, finishing their ice creams in the half light as they stood back from the crowd. They had been listening for a few moments when Zoe stifled a yawn, looking over to Sarah who was watching the band with rapt attention. She noticed a small chocolate smudge beside Sarah's lower lip and nudged her companion to get her attention over the music, indicating the spot as Sarah was continually frustrated in her attempts to clean it all off. Zoe finally grabbed Sarah’s right hand with her left, pulling it away as she pulled a napkin from her bag with her right hand and used it to wipe the offending spot. When she was done she dropped her hands as their eyes met. Zoe hadn’t realised how close that action had brought them and they stood there for a moment perfectly still as their eyes locked, their gaze occasionally clouded by the ghost of breath between them. 

Zoe bit her lip before releasing it and turning, the moment broken as she looked back at the bandstand. They walked back to Zoe's in silence fizzing with a tension neither seemed willing to break. When they got to Zoe's door she turned to Sarah. 

"Want to come in?" she asked politely, both wanting and afraid of the options that would open up. 

Sarah shook her head. "I should be getting home - early shift tomorrow," she explained. 

Zoe nodded, looking for a moment at the ground beneath her. Relief and resignation. 

"Well thank you for dinner," she offered, her voice soft and unsure as she looked up and met Sarah's eyes. 

Sarah hesitated, her eyes falling to Zoe’s lips as Zoe felt her heart speed up at the implication, the intensity of her own want surprising her. She leaned towards Sarah, the smallest of movements, and felt Sarah’s hand on her cheek, fingers brushing her neck. 

“You okay?” Sarah asked, her breath uneven as she met Zoe’s eyes. 

Zoe could see the want in them, a desire that scared her even as it kindled something within. She nodded ever so slightly before leaning in to meet Sarah’s lips. 

She felt it then, a rightness as her body melted into the touch of her lips. Her hands pulled at the fabric of Sarah's coat, closing the space between them as the bodily contact made the want real and immediate. 

When they broke apart a moment later Sarah met her eyes, trying to hide the smile written in broad strokes across her face. Zoe took a moment to catch her breath. 

“Have a good night Zoe,” Sarah said as she stepped back, taking her hand from Zoe’s face. 

“Sleep well,” Zoe offered by way of reply as Sarah turned and took the two steps to the driveway. 

"Dinner on Sunday?" Sarah suggested as she turned back for a moment while still walking. 

"I'll think about it," Zoe replied with a grin. 

Sarah nodded, her lips pursed in a knowing smile. “Text you tomorrow,” she replied, before getting into her car. 

Zoe waved as Sarah put her car in reverse before turning to her door and unlocking it, making sure Sarah got out of the driveway safely before going in, a trace of a smile still playing on her lips. 

* * * 

Sarah could feel the smile stretching across her face as she drove home contemplating how much it had taken them to get to this point. All the reschedulings, the Christmas party, the intervention at Zoe’s house… Her smile receded as she remembered what she had been avoiding, that niggling bit of knowledge that was better left ignored. 

She got home and readied herself for bed while trying to focus on the evening, on how Zoe’s presence made her giddy, on how perfect her lips felt. But try as she might to avoid it her unanswered question haunted her - exactly what did Zoe’s stalking involve? 

She lay in bed for 45 mins trying to convince herself it was better not to know, that she wouldn’t have known except for an odd set of circumstances. It had been easy to convince herself of this when the date was still a potential but it had happened, and she had fallen harder and faster than she thought possible. She picked up her phone, flicking between Zoe’s contact and her home screen before typing out a hasty message and clicking send. 

_‘You awake?’_

Sarah covered her face with her hands, one still holding the phone, before taking a calming breath and watching the screen. The reply came through a few moments later. 

_‘Yes.’_

_‘Can we talk?’_ Sarah responded, waiting for an agonising minute before her phone rang. 

“Hey,” she answered. 

“Miss me already?” Zoe teased from the other end of the line. 

“Zoe, listen,” Sarah replied, her voice missing its usual cheer. 

“Okay…,” came Zoe’s hesitant reply. “What is it?”

“I need to know,” Sarah began, “I need to know what happened with Frankie.” 

Silence. 

“Oh,” Zoe replied, her voice laced with disappointment. 

“I’ve been trying to be okay, trying to pretend I don’t know but I do and…” 

“It’s okay,” Zoe cut off, “I wanted you to trust me in spite of it, you should know the details. What do you want to know?” 

“I want to hear about it from you. All of it,” she replied. 

Zoe took a deep breath before starting at the beginning, the feelings of inadequacy and how Frankie became an easy focus for them. She detailed how it escalated, the texts, the home invasion and then confronting her, threatening her, spending the night in her bed. 

Sarah remained silent apart from the occasional acknowledgement as the story progressed, trying to accept the continual invasion as it became more intrusive, more personal. 

When Zoe detailed the break-ins Sarah squirmed involuntarily, trying to reconcile the story with her own picture of Zoe, to justify the actions that frightened her. 

“And she just let you stay in her bed,” Sarah interjected when Zoe paused, trying not to focus on the kiss for now, her brain skittering away from it. 

“I didn’t really give her a choice. She could’ve called the police I suppose,” Zoe speculated. 

“Or Ian, or Andy, or not stayed there herself,” Sarah listed off. 

“Well she didn’t do any of those things,” Zoe replied, and Sarah could hear the edge of annoyance in her voice. 

A pause. 

“Does she have feelings for you Zoe?” Sarah asked hesitantly. 

Zoe exhaled. “Sarah, it’s late. If you want to know her feelings ask her. If you don’t want to see me anymore then just tell me. I like you but I’m sick of feeling prey to your high morality. I screwed up, I accept it. I am trying to move on. If you don’t want to be a part of that then we can stop this now.” 

There was no ire in her words, just an exhaustion, but Sarah felt the pain of them rise within her - the non-acceptance they betrayed. 

“I’m sorry Zoe, I didn’t mean… I just want to understand,” Sarah replied. 

“Not everything can be understood,” Zoe pointed out. 

“I have a hard time with that,” Sarah responded with a half-hearted laugh. 

“I noticed. Goodnight Sarah.” 

“Goodnight Zoe.” 

Sarah watched her phone hang up as Zoe disconnected the call. She sighed, the conflict within her raging. On one hand she wanted to trust Zoe, enjoyed being in her presence, but knowing what she had done raised alarm bells she had a very hard time discounting. 

She put her phone on charge at her bedside and turned off the light, her sleep restless as she sprinted through dreams - never able to find what she was running to. 

* * * 

Zoe hung up the phone with a deep breath, trying to calm the anxiety the conversation had prompted. Was she unforgivable? She had been nothing but honest with Sarah since she found out, and the fact that she still had doubts made her worry that no one beyond Frankie would ever truly forgive what she had done. But Sarah wasn’t everyone - surely her being a cop made her more suspicious, surely there was someone out there who could handle her recent past. But she didn’t want some random future possibility - she wanted Sarah to trust her. 

* * * 

It was Friday night and Frankie did not want to spend it home alone and definitely didn't want to spend it with any one of the men she had been finding online. She flipped through her phone and dialled Angie. 

"Come on, drinks and dancing. It'll be fun," she enthused over the line. 

"Oh alright," Angie finally relented. 

Three hours later Frankie was on the dance floor, already two shots in and ordering another round for the hen night party she had accidentally become fast friends with. 

Two hours after that Angie was leaving. 

"Come on Frankie, I told you I'd get you home safely," Angie cajoled, crouched next to Frankie seated on a couch with a few women from the hen night. 

"Not yet, the night is young,” Frankie pleaded, possibly already more intoxicated than she had been in some time. 

"Don't worry," offered the blonde currently seated beside Frankie, "I'll make sure she gets home."

Frankie turned to the blonde and wrapped her arms around her neck before releasing her and turning back to Angie. 

"Lisa will get me home," she slurred, matter-of-factly. 

Angie looked at her incredulously. "Frankie...." she repeated, a warning note in her voice. 

“Oh come on Angie, I’m a big girl. I’ll be fine,” she insisted. 

Angie looked from Frankie to Lisa and back, sighing and standing. “Text me when you get in okay?” she asked pointedly, raising her eyebrows. 

Frankie nodded, grabbing her hand and giving it a squeeze. 

Angie smiled, squeezing her hand back before slipping it out of Frankie’s grasp and making her way to the door, one of Lisa’s friends obscuring the view of her exit with another round of shots. 

* 

Frankie woke up the next morning in her own bed, her head pounding worse than it had since her school days. She pushed herself out of bed to close the blinds, not sure whether light or movement was worse. She sat down on the floor below her now blackened window and slowly opened her eyes. 

The first thing she noticed was a bra that didn’t belong to her on the bedroom floor. A moment later the door to her bedroom opened to reveal legs that weren’t hers in her jogging bottoms. 

“Ah good, you’re up,” came a voice she recognised as Lisa’s as the legs came closer. “Take this,” Lisa instructed, crouching and handing over some painkillers and water. 

Frankie realised Lisa was wearing one of her T-shirts too but took the pills and water without comment, her mind struggling to remember what happened last night beyond flashes of them taking a cab and a warm body beside her in bed. 

“You took me home,” Frankie stated confoundedly after she swallowed the proffered pills, the words sounding ridiculous and not quite getting through to the questions she had. 

Lisa laughed. “Well nothing happened if that’s what you mean,” she assured, “I didn’t have any money for the taxi to mine and you insisted I stay.”

Frankie nodded, her eyes again falling to the jogging bottoms on Lisa’s legs. 

Lisa followed her eyes. 

“Oh, yeah, I threw up quite a bit last night, hope you don’t mind me borrowing some clothes,” she explained. 

Frankie’s eyes fell closed again. “Okay,” she muttered, wondering how long the painkillers would take to kick in. 

“I picked up some sausage rolls from down the street, you’ll feel better with food in you,” Lisa encouraged as she stood up and took Frankie’s hand. 

Somehow they made it downstairs, although the whole thing felt like swimming with jolts of sharp pain stabbing her through the eyes. 

Lisa had drawn the blinds and they sat at Frankie’s dinning room table, drinking tea and eating sausage rolls. 

“So, is Zoe your ex?” Lisa asked conversationally. 

Frankie’s eyes widened in disbelief as her head snapped to Lisa, both actions she instantly regretted, wincing as she closed her eyes again. 

“Why do you say that?” she asked with her eyes still closed. 

“You just talked about her a lot last night, how she had a date…” she replied before trailing off, “I just assumed.” 

“I’m straight,” Frankie responded, hesitantly opening her eyes again and meeting Lisa’s surprised expression. 

“Oh. Not often my gaydar is so badly off,” Lisa admitted before shrugging. “Hope it went well for her then,” she added. 

Frankie herself wondered how it had gone before remembering she was supposed to text Angie. 

“Shit,” she uttered under her breath. “Where’s my phone?” she asked as she got up, fighting through the pain of movement and heading into the hallway. 

“It’s upstairs,” Lisa called after her, “everything okay?”

“I forgot to text Angie,” she called back, bracing herself to climb the stairs. 

“Don’t worry about it, I did when we got in,” Lisa replied. 

Frankie remained still for a moment before turning back into the dining room. 

“Thanks,” she offered as she sat back down. 

“No problem. Sorry about assuming…” Lisa responded. 

“It’s okay.” 

*

Between the painkillers, water, tea and food Frankie’s head slowly cleared. Lisa gathered up her things to go, promising to return the loaned clothes, and Frankie thanked her for taking such good care of her. 

“No problem,” she replied, smiling. “My number’s in your phone should you feel the need to get ridiculously drunk again.” 

Frankie chuckled. “Thanks,” she replied as she held the door, “See you around.” 

With Lisa gone she went up to shower, the water washing away some of the residual fuzziness. When she had finished she sat back down on the unmade bed, her phone sitting on the side table. She opened it, tabbing through her notifications to see a message from Angie, 'Call when you're up.' 

She rang the familiar number, waiting two rings before Angie picked up. 

"Quarter to two huh? You must've had quite a night." 

"I've been up for an hour or so - Lisa just left," Frankie replied as she flopped back on her bed and closed her eyes. 

"Sleepover eh?" Angie snarked. 

"Ha. Ha," Frankie answered deadpan, emphasis on each syllable. 

"Well they say no one is 100% straight," Angie teased in response, pausing for a brief moment before continuing. "Speaking of not entirely straight - when did you and the ice queen become such good friends?" 

Frankie fought to remember last night, panic stirring inside her at what she might've said or might say now that would betray Zoe. 

"Why?" Frankie asked, hoping for context. 

"We were just bitching about co-workers and I mentioned Zoe, although not by name, and you went off on a tangent at how she's just lonely and misunderstood," Angie explained. "I was surprised."

"We came to an understanding after the Liana Cordon complaint," Frankie replied, her standard and not entirely untruthful response. 

"Maybe Andy should put in a complaint about you too," Angie pointed out sarcastically, aware of the current awkward state of their relationship. She had known about Andy's feelings even before Frankie. 

"That's different and you know it," Frankie reminded her.

"You're assuming Zoe doesn't want to get in your pants," Angie teased without the least hint that she believed it was a possibility.

Frankie felt herself flush, knowing it was more likely than Angie jokingly suggested. 

“If all you want to do is poke fun I’d rather go back to sleep,” Frankie shot back. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Angie replied lightly. 

“I know,” Frankie acknowledged, “Thanks for coming with me last night.”

“Anytime,” Angie confirmed. “See you next week.” 

Frankie heard the line terminate before dropping her phone on the bed beside her. She closed her eyes, Angie’s words swimming in her consciousness as she tried to remember the previous night, accidentally dozing off into a fitful sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing this insanity with with me - I am completely bowled over by the reaction to this fic (and Sarah - who I love dearly despite how frustrating she can be) and really hope you enjoy the last few chapters. 
> 
> *goes to bite nails in the corner*

* * *

 

When Zoe arrived at the coffee shop on Monday, Frankie was already sitting waiting for her. She handed her a coffee as Zoe slid into the seat opposite.

"You look like hell," Frankie stated without preamble.

Zoe took a sip of her coffee before replying. "Thanks for that, not sleeping great,” she explained before looking up properly. “You don’t look so great yourself.”

“I might still be hungover from Friday night,” Frankie admitted before waving it off. “Don’t ask. How was your date on Friday?” Frankie inquired, changing the subject.

Zoe sighed, turning her cup in her hands.

“Date went fine but she called me when she got home wanting to know everything that happened at yours," Zoe replied cautiously before looking around, happily noting that the few others seated were engrossed in their own morning rituals - coffee, newspaper, Skype call.

"And?"

"I told her. It bothers her," Zoe summarised before taking another sip.

"It should bother _me_ ,” Frankie pointed out, almost possessively.

Zoe smiled at that.

"So what are you going to do?" Frankie asked.

Zoe sighed, looking down at her drink, flexing her fingers against the paper cup.

“Not much I can do but let her have some space and hope she can get past it," Zoe replied as she raised her eyes to meet Frankie's.

Frankie gave her a slight nod of acknowledgement as she took another sip of her coffee before glancing at her watch.

“I should get going too,” Zoe stated in response to Frankie’s gesture. “Thanks for the coffee,” she added as she stood, Frankie following suit and falling into step as they made their way to their respective cars.

* * *

On Tuesday Sarah stopped by the flower shop a few doors down from the police station before making her way to Zoe’s. The door opened not long after her knock and Sarah felt the intensity of her smile as Zoe opened the door.

“I just wanted to apologise,” she explained before Zoe could say a word. She held up the flowers. “Cliché maybe but pretty…” She watched Zoe’s face for her reaction but found only slightly furrowed brows.

“Thank you,” Zoe responded, her face still a polite mask as she took the flowers and gestured for Sarah to come in before making her way to the kitchen.

Sarah followed her, watching her take a vase from a cabinet and unwrap the flowers, cutting off the bottoms of the stems before placing them in the water.

“Why don’t you stay for dinner?” Zoe asked, turning to Sarah with a thin-lipped smile.

Sarah cocked her head. “Are you sure? You don’t seem terribly happy to see me,” she pointed out.

Zoe turned from the flowers again, narrowing her eyes at Sarah for a moment before returning to cutting the stems.

“I don’t know where we stand,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“Ah,” Sarah uttered, “I see. Well I enjoy spending time with you. I hope the rest of it sorts itself out.”

Zoe glanced back, a perfunctory smile on her lips.

“Well then, dinner?” she reiterated as she put the last flower in the vase and moved it to the kitchen table.

* * *

She wanted to stay mad, make Sarah reveal herself or apologise, or renounce her - anything but this odd in between that held them in stasis. But during dinner Sarah was her usual obnoxiously charming self and before she realised it she was laughing along with her most recent anecdote.

“I don’t see how any of you get any crime solving done,” Zoe commented when Sarah had finished.

“Ah, so you’ve seen the statistics,” Sarah replied with a teasing smile.

When dinner was done and the food was cleared, an odd silence fell. Zoe felt it, that she should encourage her to leave, but Sarah’s presence was addictive.

“I should go,” Sarah offered, her hands clasped before her. “Thank you for dinner.”

Zoe nodded, both frustrated and relieved. “Thank you for the flowers,” she replied as she gestured for Sarah to lead the way out of the kitchen.

At the door Sarah grabbed her bag and coat before turning to Zoe and hesitating. Zoe felt the moment as she met Sarah’s eyes, want fighting with sense as Sarah’s eyes dropped to her lips. She cleared her throat and stepped back, manoeuvring around Sarah to open the door.

“Have a good night PC Warren,” she offered with a tongue-in-cheek smile.

“Good night Dr Evans,” Sarah replied with an equally ironic grin before turning and making her way through the door and to the driveway.

* * *

“I’m going to have to call it off,” Zoe blurted out when Frankie sat down beside her at the coffee shop the next day.

“Good morning to you too, Zoe,” Frankie replied with raised eyebrows.

“Sorry, it’s been on my mind and I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it,” Zoe explained.

“Be careful, it was word-vomit that got you into this in the first place,” Frankie teased.

Zoe’s face curled up in disgust. “Lovely imagery,” she pointed out as she took a sip of her coffee. She put it down before continuing. “I used to enjoy spending time with her but now it’s all overshadowed because she can’t seem to get past ‘it’.”

“Have you asked her about it?” Frankie asked logically.

“Not since that initial night,” Zoe admitted.

“Maybe you should.”

“Touché,” Zoe acknowledged, tilting her cup towards Frankie in acceptance of her point. “How goes the single life?” she asked, changing the subject.

“Celibate,” Frankie uttered without thinking, feeling her face flush as she took a sip of her coffee. She wasn’t ashamed of wanting sex but something about accidentally telling Zoe felt strange in a way she couldn’t place.

She watched Zoe swallow the liquid in her mouth with difficulty, clearing her throat before responding.

“They have tools for that,” she replied with a raised brow.

Frankie cocked her head, something about Zoe and vibrators seeming incongruous.

“Not the same as the touch of another person, despite my best efforts,” Frankie admitted, finding the whole conversation was making her head swim as it brought unwanted images of Zoe and Sarah. “I thought about seeing if Ian wanted a ‘no strings’ arrangement when I was very desperate but thought better of it,” she added in an attempt to distract them both.

“Glad to hear it,” Zoe replied with smirk.

* * *

It was Saturday and Zoe was halfway through Call the Midwife when her phone rang in the other room. She hit pause and got up, smiling in spite of herself when she saw the name on the screen.

"Hello."

"Care for a visitor?" came Sarah's voice from the other end of the line.

“I thought you had a double shift?" Zoe countered, trying to contain the frustrating combination of happiness brought on by Sarah’s voice and nervousness that they would have to talk about whatever this was between them.

"I got off early," came the tentative response.

"How far away are you?" Zoe asked as she paced her living room.

"Uh... well, I'm outside."

Zoe raised an eyebrow and headed toward the door.

"And what if I said no?" she countered as unlocked the bolt and turned the handle.

"I was willing to take the chance," Sarah replied both on the phone and in person as she moved her phone away from her ear and hung up, eyes immediately locking onto Zoe's as a smile spread across her face.

Zoe felt the intensity of her gaze, biting her lip as she inwardly cursed the way Sarah’s presence made her feel - warm and oblivious to all else.

"Come in," she offered with a small smile, moving aside so Sarah could enter. "I was just watching Call the Midwife," she explained. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Thanks, water please," Sarah replied.

"I have some beer too," Zoe offered and Sarah raised a brow. "It's Frankie's from last time she was over," Zoe explained.

"Water is good," Sarah confirmed as she strolled toward the living room, Zoe heading to the kitchen to fetch Sarah some water.

When she returned Sarah was sitting on the couch. She sat up straighter as Zoe handed her the water, taking a sip before putting it on one of the coasters on the coffee table and leaning back.

Zoe put the wine she had brought for herself on a free coaster before sitting down beside her, misjudging the space as their thighs rubbed against each other as she sat. Her breath caught for the briefest moment before she shifted just a hair, taking a sip from her wine glass before returning it to the table and turning to Sarah.

“Listen, I…” Zoe began, eyes focused on her hands as Sarah’s words broke through her nervous attempt.

“I miss you.”

Zoe looked up, Sarah’s gaze clear with unfettered affection and a longing that touched something parallel in her.

“And I’m sorry for not understanding, for being a stubborn dolt,” Sarah offered.

“A dolt huh?” Zoe repeated with a chuckle.

Sarah smiled and reached for one of Zoe’s hands, her eyes focused the movement as Zoe felt the small gesture magnified as warmth spreading within her.

“I don’t trust easily, not really, and so all that stuff with Frankie really scared me,” Sarah confessed as she raised her eyes to Zoe and interlinked their fingers. “But I care about you too much to let your past ruin what could be.”

Zoe stared at her wide-eyed, the vulnerability of her words and gaze making her heart swell. She had no response, only a feeling, an impulse, and she slid her hand behind Sarah's neck, leaning into her and pressing their lips together.

The kiss was soft and tender, moments of wordless understanding, as Sarah shifted her body towards Zoe on the couch. She wasn’t sure how long they sat there, holding on to that moment of mutual acceptance, before something minute shifted. Sarah pulled her closer and she could feel a reciprocal need building between them. The kiss changed tenor, becoming more desperate as mouths opened to the exploration of eager tongues. Zoe revelled in the taste, wanting this need, this desire, to be given form.

Sarah's fingers found the edge of her trousers, untucking her shirt as fingers caressed skin, claimed it. The kiss broke and she could feel Sarah lean in, breath on her ear.

"This is okay, right?" Sarah confirmed breathlessly and Zoe nodded, tucking her head into Sarah's neck and kissing the soft skin beneath her ear.

"God Zoe I've wanted you for so long…" Sarah nearly groaned in response, soft and desperate.

The fact that she could reduce Sarah to this, breathless and begging, ignited something in Zoe that had been smouldering. She stood, taking Sarah's hand in hers and pulling her up, meeting her eyes for the briefest moment before leaning in to meet her lips again, her whole body wanting to release this thing inside her, desperate and agonising.

She felt Sarah's fingers find her stomach again, sliding higher, and broke the kiss as she took a half step back, anxiety duelling with desire. She held Sarah's eyes but they were drowning in lust, a concerned smile breaking across her face.

"You alright?" she asked.

Zoe nodded, forcing herself to swallow her fear. "Yes," she confirmed.

Sarah closed the space between them, her hands slipping under Zoe's shirt once again as she met Zoe's eyes before dropping to the floor and kissing the skin across her stomach and higher as she stood again to lift the shirt over Zoe's head.

Zoe pulled her towards the stairs before getting distracted by Sarah's mouth on her fingers, drawing them in and releasing them before ginning at her. Zoe grabbed the loops of Sarah's trousers with her free hand and pinned herself against the wall by the stairs, lips finding Sarah's before Sarah broke the kiss to trace a path of kisses down Zoe's jaw to her neck, tongue lathing her pulse point as Zoe bit her lip hard to keep herself quiet.

Sarah straightened herself, brushing Zoe's hair out of her eyes.

"You are so beautiful," she stated pointedly as she took Zoe's hand and led her to the stairs.

They made their way to the bedroom slowly, amidst discarded clothes and worshipped bits of naked skin, until they landed on Zoe's bed in different states of undress. She caught Sarah's eyes, breath coming in gasps, as the raw lust in Sarah’s gaze shot through to the heat and wetness between her thighs.

Sarah crawled towards her, reuniting their kiss-swollen lips, and Zoe leaned back on the bed as Sarah stretched out above her, fingers sliding along her slides to push down already unfastened trousers. She kissed down Zoe's neck and across her collarbone as her fingers traveled lower, over her hip, lips tracing a path to her exposed nipple. Zoe impatiently kicked off her trousers and a chuckle resonated in Sarah's throat as she helped get them over her feet before easing her fingers along the newly exposed skin, teasing the inside of her calf then thigh as her mouth found Zoe's left nipple. Zoe arched into her mouth even as her lower half squirmed, Sarah's fingers deftly avoiding the one place she needed to be touched.

"Please," she uttered, guttural and needy as she felt the sensitivity in her body reach an almost-breaking point. As much as she was intent on enjoying this, she needed release so badly it almost hurt, deep and resonant like a weight in her chest.

With a celebratory smirk Sarah dipped her head lower, sliding off Zoe's panties and slowly sliding two fingers inside her. And in that moment it was close to relief, the pleasant stretching pressure as she forced herself further on those fingers, pushing harder, faster, going with and then fighting Sarah's rhythm as she desperately sought the release that seemed endlessly beyond the next thrust. She rode Sarah's fingers as long as she felt able, sweaty and panting as the feeling of guilt seeped up inside her like bile.

"Aarghhhk," she exclaimed finally, tears of frustration edging her eyes.

To her mutual relief and regret Sarah slowed, possibly assuming she had orgasmed. She avoided her eyes as Sarah moved off her before sliding up beside her. Zoe shifted without meeting her eyes, pushing up Sarah's bra as Sarah arched to release it. She took Sarah's nipple in her mouth, sucking hard as Sarah gasped before raking fingernails across her ribs and down her stomach, some primal need to mark her, take out her inadequacies on Sarah's firm skin.

She heard Sarah call her name, clear and demanding but only dipped her head lower.

* * *

"Zoe," Sarah called again, reaching down to stroke her cheek with the tips of her dry fingers, encouraging her to look up.

“Let me do this for you," Zoe replied as she begrudgingly raised her gaze and Sarah could see tears in the corners of her eyes.

Sarah immediately slid out the leg Zoe had pinned and sat beside her at the bottom of the bed.

"What happened, are you okay? Did I hurt you?" she asked in quick succession as she tried to reach out for her, hesitating before making contact with her cheek.

She let Sarah raise her chin and Sarah realised she was crying properly now, tears streaming down her face as her face contorted in anger and frustration.

"Did I hurt you?" she repeated.

"I shouldn't have, I just..." Zoe replied incoherently as she wiped her eyes again, seeming to stem the flood in a force of will.

"Hey, sh sh, it's okay," Sarah tried to calm her, watching Zoe's eyes widen.

Zoe shook her head. "It's not," she replied with such clarity that Sarah was taken aback for a moment.

Zoe shifted off the bed and stood, crossing her arms, one finger against her lips thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry but I need you to go."

She stated the words clearly but there was such pain on her face that Sarah questioned their intent. She raised her eyebrows, replaying the words but finding no explanation.

"I just need you to leave," she repeated softer, apologetically, her finger tapping against her lip.

"Zoe, if I've done something wrong..." Sarah began, getting up from the bed and taking a step towards her. Zoe shot her such an expression of warning mixed with disbelief and sadness that Sarah froze.

"You didn't hurt me," she confirmed. "I'm sorry. Please just go."

Sarah nodded. "Okay. I'll go," she said, taking a step towards to the door, pausing to pick up her bra and the shirt she left on the threshold.

She looked up at Zoe again but she was still in the same position, naked and standing with her arms crossed, finger to her mouth, staring at a spot in the ground.

"Zoe?" she asked softly and Zoe's eyes snapped to her face. "You going to be okay? I'm worried about you."

Zoe nodded and Sarah could see some clarity in her eyes mixed with self-hate.

"I'll be fine," she replied, utterly coherent.

Sarah stared for a moment, uncomfortable leaving her like this but worried her presence would only make things worse.

"If you need me just call, anytime. I can be here," she offered.

Zoe smiled but it was sad. "I don't deserve you," she responded.

Sarah's brow furrowed in concern and she took a step back into the room, pausing when Zoe stepped back.

"I'll ring you tomorrow," she offered softly, Zoe nodding at her absently as she begrudgingly turned and left the room.

As she walked down the stairs her mind raced, trying to replay every moment without the haze of desire. She had made sure she was okay, she hadn't pushed, right? She couldn't find any evidence that she had but something had set Zoe off, she just wished she would tell her what had happened.

She rang her the next day but Zoe didn't respond to the message or follow up text, and while she usually wouldn't take that as an answer, she was overly conscious of having betrayed her boundaries somehow and was trying to avoid repeating the offence. She checked in with her clinic on Monday in the guise of a patient to ensure she had come to work and, worst fears assuaged, took a step back.

The more she thought about it, the more the picture expanded. Although it was still possible she had done something without recognising it, it was more likely that there was something else affecting Zoe. And the more she thought about what it could be the more she hoped she wasn't right.


	10. Chapter 10

Zoe had been berating herself for three days trying to figure out what had happened that night with Sarah, how her anxiety had ruined something she had wanted so badly. She couldn't face Sarah, ignoring her calls and texts and hoping she wouldn't just show up. She fobbed Frankie off too, saying she had to work early to finish some report for John.

She got through therapy without mentioning what happened, not finding herself willing or able to give voice to the thought she was broken. Saying it out loud would make it something she couldn’t ignore and she wasn’t ready to face it yet, instead keeping it close - a small kernel of self-hate to use as a shield.

She arrived at work on Wednesday, the lights still off, and made her way to her office to get through more of the seemingly never-ending backlog of paperwork. She wasn't sure how long she had been there before she heard a knock on the doorframe. She looked up to see Frankie shoot her a tentative smile, her eyes full of concern.

"You forgot the coffee," Zoe shot as she looked back at the file in front of her, anger her most easily accessible defence.

"Didn't have time, my friend needed me," Frankie said as she came up to the side of Zoe's desk.

"Well you should go help them then," Zoe replied, deadpan, her gaze never leaving the file.

Frankie took another step forward. "Stop being so dense Zoe," she said as she leaned over, forcing Zoe to lean back as she put her hands on either armrest and pulled her chair away from the desk, Zoe finally meeting her eyes.

Frankie's face was centimetres from her own, hands still on either side of Zoe's chair, and something bright flashed inside her as Frankie took a step back, crossing her arms self consciously.

"What happened?" she asked forcefully, like she used to when they argued over the welfare of their patients, the core of iron she had taken for granted.

"I don't want to talk about it," Zoe responded, turning her chair back to her desk.

She heard Frankie exhale.

"Fine, although I think after everything...." she trailed off and Zoe saw her shaking her head of out of corner of her eyes. "But you can't do this to yourself again. Block yourself off from everyone who cares...."

Anger flashed bitter and resentful. Zoe turned in her chair before getting up and standing over Frankie.

"Excuse me but I don't think you have any say as to how I conduct myself," Zoe spat, watching the iron in Frankie's eyes melt into sadness, her concern punching Zoe in the stomach with a feeling she was intent upon avoiding. Frankie didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve any of it.

"No, I guess not," Frankie replied softly, looking down at the floor. "I just thought perhaps our friendship meant something to you," she said as she raised her eyes again, and Zoe could tell she was trying to be stronger than she felt. "See you around Zoe," she offered as she left.

*

Zoe lay in bed that night mulling over Frankie's words; she was right on one account, she couldn't block herself from the fallout forever. She grabbed her phone and sat up in bed, dialling her voicemail and listening to the message Sarah had left, tears pricking the corner of her eyes at the pain in her voice. Sarah didn't deserve this either.

She stood up, took a deep breath and rang her number.

"Hello?" came a tentative voice, she sounded like she had been sleeping.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Zoe offered, her brain scrambling with what to say next. She wanted to hang up, do this another day, but Sarah's laugh snapped her from her thoughts.

"Nope, not sleeping," she replied, slurring slightly, "just very drunk."

"I can call back," Zoe suggested.

"Don't you dare hang up Zoe Evans," she commanded, "you're going to tell me what the fuck happened Saturday night."

Zoe swallowed.

“If I didn’t hurt you then was it just that terrible?" she asked before Zoe could respond. “Were you faking it?”

"What?" Zoe asked, taken aback, as she tried to catch up to the conversation.

"Did you come or not?" she clarified bluntly.

Zoe was silent for a moment. "I didn't fake it. I wanted it, badly, I just couldn't..," she replied before trailing off, eyes to her ceiling as she tried to swallow the lump of self-recrimination forming in her throat.

"Couldn't," came Sarah's reply as she snorted, the telltale sloshing of a bottle in the background. "You don't trust me and you still love her," Sarah continued bluntly.

Zoe didn't respond, shock and confusion stealing her words.

"Well at least you're not insulting my intelligence enough to ask who."

"I'm not in love with Frankie," but even as she said the words something in her dawned, the last four words feeling oddly at home on her tongue. Her gut twisted. She cared about Sarah and the conflicting desire to free her from the poison of being with her clashed with her need for the comfort of her presence - both options feeling equally impossible.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot. You clearly care about her more intensely than anyone else - I can even tell in your denial,” Sarah pointed out, “And I think she cares about you more than she lets on.”

“Frankie is my friend, nothing more,” Zoe stated, although the words felt false as they fell from her lips.

“Only because those are the parameters you both allow,” Sarah pointed out.

Zoe was silent, trying desperately to disprove what she was saying but her mind was blank.

Sarah sighed and Zoe heard the fight go out of her, leaving only resignation.

“Believe it or not I care about you Zoe. But I also can't ignore everything else that has happened and what it means.”

"What do you suggest?" Zoe asked, her voice thick with restrained emotion.

"If you really want this then you need to sort out what you feel...."

"I..." Zoe began but Sarah cut her off.

"Not now, I need you to think about it. Until then I don’t think we should see each other,” Sarah explained with resigned exhaustion.

Zoe nodded, wetting her lips.

"Take care of yourself Zoe," Sarah offered sincerely when she heard no objection.

"You too," Zoe replied instinctively, not trusting herself to say anything further.

She heard the silence as Sarah hung up, dropping to her bed and placing her phone on her side table as she buried her face in her hands, her whole body feeling numb. She heard Sarah's words repeat in her head.

_‘You still love her.’_

The fact she hadn’t instantly denied this gave her pause. Frankie had, completely unexpectedly, become her closest friend over the past seven months and while that intensity she used to associate with her had faded, she still always felt more acutely in her presence.

_‘And I think she cares about you more than she lets on.’_

What did she even mean by that? Of course she cared, she had done too much for that to be secret in any way, but Sarah seemed to be implying something more.

Zoe shook her head as her gut exploded in butterflies that she quickly squashed. This was not happening, would not happen. Frankie’s friendship was too important to her to allow even the slightest possibility that there could be any reciprocation for whatever feelings she might still harbour.

*

“Thank you for seeing me,” Zoe offered as she sat down opposite her therapist on Thursday evening.

Dr Jean Harrow, an older woman with grey hair and an astoundingly modern wardrobe, looked back at her with a detached but friendly curiosity.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon,” she replied.

Zoe sighed.

“I… uh… There was something I didn’t mention on Tuesday,” she acknowledged, her eyes falling to her hands in her lap as she bit her bottom lip.

“Why not?” Jean asked, voice void of emotion beyond subtle interest.

The thoughts ran through Zoe’s head in a string. ‘Because I didn’t know how to talk about what had happened. Because I don’t want to acknowledge that I still feel broken and I’d rather use it push everyone else away.’

“I was scared,” she eventually uttered, staring at the ceiling to try to fight off the wave of emotion caused by admission of that simple truth.

“Of?” Jean prompted.

She forced the words out, sentence by sentence, detailing what happened with Sarah, Frankie coming to her office and her conversation with Sarah.

“Are you still scared?” Jean asked when she had finished.

“Yes,” Zoe admitted without prelude as she strove to identify the fear.

“Of?” Jean pushed.

Zoe tried to tie down what was at the root of it all. It was more than just Sarah, Frankie, work, her children, or even James. “Of not being good enough,” she finally admitted, the truth of it stabbing in her gut.

Jean only nodded.

* * *

“You’re awfully quiet,” Frankie pointed out, pausing as Zoe looked up distractedly, smiling politely.

It was Friday and Zoe had returned to the coffee shop, both pretending nothing had happened despite a clear tension between them.

“Pardon?” she asked, meeting Frankie’s eyes with furrowed brows.

“Well I just suggested increasing support for district nursing by pulling funding from GPs,” Frankie remarked dryly, “So you clearly weren’t listening.”

Zoe’s brows furrowed further. “That’s ridiculous, you know as well as I…”

“I was kidding, Zoe,” Frankie interrupted, reaching over to touch Zoe’s wrist to break her out of the impending tirade.

Zoe met her eyes, wide, as if the touch had shocked her. Frankie withdrew her hand back to her coffee, shifting her eyes away from the raw emotion beneath Zoe’s shock.

“Sorry. I’m a bit distracted,” Zoe admitted.

“I noticed, what is it?” Frankie asked.

Zoe gestured it away with her hands before glancing up at someone behind Frankie with a forced smile.

“I haven’t seen you here before Mrs. Stevens,” Zoe greeted as an older woman approached.

“Good morning Dr Evans, Nurse Maddox,” Mrs. Stevens acknowledged warmly, hovering beside the table between the two women.

Frankie returned her smile, genuinely happy to see the older woman whom she had recently nursed through the latest in a line of pernicious chest infections up and about again.

They exchanged pleasantries before Mrs Stevens moved into the queue and when she left, Zoe clocked the time.

“Dinner tonight? I’ll even cook,” Frankie offered, as they made their way to the car park, worried that Zoe shouldn’t be alone with whatever this was.

Zoe shook her head, that same odd look in her eye. “I don’t think so but thank you,” she replied, with a distant politeness that confirmed to Frankie that she had a reason to worry.

“Plans with Sarah?” Frankie pushed as they arrived at Zoe’s car.

Zoe shook her head. "I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore," she replied evenly, her eyes shifting before meeting Frankie's with a forced smile.

"Well then it's dinner at yours, surely," she shot back, backtracking as she saw the sombre expression that had slipped through Zoe’s facade. "Come on. Getting drunk and bitching about the ex always makes me feel better and, after all, you’re the stickler for the rules…” Frankie tried to convince her with a sly smile.

Zoe shook her head with a chuckle, her lips forming an unintentional half-smile. “I don’t think so, but thanks for the offer,” she replied warmly.

“Okay,” Frankie relented with what she hoped was a supportive smile, the extent of her disappointment sounding clear to her own ears. “See you later then.”

Zoe nodded, opening her car door as Frankie made her way to her own vehicle. 

*

It was nearly eight when Frankie finished her last patient and arrived at the police station.

She had already opened her car door and half stepped out when she saw Ian walking out, considering getting back in her car for a moment before he saw her.

He took a few strides towards her, smiling.

"Perfect timing," he uttered. He sounded cocky but Frankie knew that was his shield.

"I was actually looking for Sarah," she replied, trying to do so gently. Despite everything she still cared about him.

Ian's face fell.

"Ah. She left about an hour ago. Looked like hell. She's probably at the gay bar across town," he answered offhandedly. "What do you need her for?" he inquired. "Your stalker back?" he asked with sudden concern.

"No," Frankie replied quickly, hesitating before giving anything further away.

He raised his eyebrows but Frankie remained awkwardly silent, not sure what she could say that would make any sense.

Ian huffed out a breath. “Fine, don’t tell me,” he muttered as he walked past her shaking his head.

Frankie turned to watch him, opening her mouth but knowing every explanation would raise more questions than it would answer. She watched him turn the corner, focusing on the space he left for a few moments before getting back in her car and shutting the door.

She put her hands on her steering wheel and buried her head in her arms, wondering what she was doing. Why was she alienating everyone close to her for someone she could barely stand a year ago? Ian had never been perfect but he had stood by her for years. She looked up and took a breath, flipping down her visor mirror and looking at her own reflection.

“She needs my help,” she pointed out to herself before flipping the mirror back up. Did she really, or was she just being needlessly intrusive?

“Hero complex…” she muttered to herself, unable to keep the small grin from lighting up her face as she heard Zoe’s voice muttering the epithet. She turned the car on and threw it into gear, taking off in the direction of the bar Ian had mentioned.

* * *

Sarah was drunk. It happened faster than she thought, she had clearly been consuming less alcohol of late, but the three shots of vodka and beer in an hour had definitely left her feeling the comfortably carefree swimming of intoxication.

She was sitting at the bar and had just ordered another beer when she felt someone take the seat beside her. She composed herself in case it was someone who wanted to take a different edge off, only realising then how hopeless it had always been - the crush on Zoe that left her uninterested in anyone else. She pushed away the thought and forced herself to smile through the sudden spike of pain that thought had caused as she turned to meet Frankie’s hesitant gaze.

Her smile fell and she turned away.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Whatever’s on tap,” she heard Frankie say to the bartender.

Sarah turned back to her.

“Don’t you ever get sick of wheedling your way into other people’s problems?” she spat out before she could think through the words. Her head blared a warning but she didn’t care, it felt too good to finally say it.

“What happened, Sarah?” Frankie asked with a patient caring that only inflamed Sarah’s anger.

“Ha,” Sarah spat. “So she isn’t talking to you either,” she ascertained, turning to her newly arrived drink and taking a sip.

“I’m worried about her,” Frankie replied, “although it seems you could use talking about it too - what happened between you two?”

Sarah turned on her stool to face her.

"How about I ask you a question," she offered antagonistically.

Frankie frowned but nodded, taking a sip of the beer that had arrived beside her.

"Why are you here? Why does Zoe’s silence have you so concerned?" Sarah asked evenly, raising her brow when she was done and grabbing her beer from the bar to take a swig.

"You know why," Frankie answered, quieter than usual as her eyes shifted to those around her.

"Okay. Then why are _you_ here. She's a grown woman who is fully capable of making her own mistakes and telling or not telling you whatever she desires,” Sarah pointed out.

"I'm here because I care, which is far more than you it seems," Frankie bit back.

Sarah snorted as she turned back to face the bar. "I rest my case," she stated with finality. She could almost hear Frankie's mind whirring beside her, trying to understand something that was so obvious.

"I don't understand,” Frankie replied hesitantly, after a few moments of silence.

Sarah turned back, meeting Frankie's eyes intently. "I'm trying to say that if you weren't so damn straight you might realise exactly what you mean to each other."

Sarah watched Frankie's brows rise in surprise as she stuttered out an amused exhalation.

"I'm not gay," she pointed out. “Does she think…? No, she knows,” she amended, more to herself than Sarah.

“Oh she’s just as blind as you but I see it in her eyes. She likes me, I know she does, but I’ll never be you,” she spat out, turning back to the bar once again.

She heard Frankie raise her glass again, take a large swig before putting it down again, rustling through her purse for some money. She heard her slide off the stool, standing beside her for a second uncertainly.

“All I wanted was for you two to be happy,” she said softly before moving towards the door.

Sarah didn’t look up.

* * *

Frankie’s mind raced as she drove away from the bar. She tried to contextualise Sarah’s remarks; she was clearly angry, sad, and drunk, but the words held sway over her regardless.

_'She likes me, I know she does, but I’ll never be you.'_

She drove absently for a while, mulling over everything Sarah had said and the way Zoe had been behaving. She didn't have a specific destination, just needed the drive. When she clocked where she was she realised she had driven to Zoe’s by force of habit. She pulled to the side of the road and shut off her engine, watching the house, the living room light still on.

Why was she here? What was she worried about? She believed Zoe was better now, at least to the point that self-harm was unlikely but part of her needed to know, needed to fix whatever was wrong with her friend.

_'If you weren't so damn straight you might realise exactly what you mean to each other.'_

The thought appeared unbidden and she pushed it away, opening the car door as a need to rationalise her presence took over her reticence.

"Took you a while," Zoe said when she opened the door. Frankie looked at her for a moment with confusion written on her face. "I heard your car," she explained as she gestured for her to come in.

Zoe looked tired, she was dressed in the silky shirt and loose trousers Frankie knew she slept in, a thin robe wrapped around her.

"I just put the kettle on, do you want some tea?" Zoe offered.

Frankie nodded, following Zoe into the kitchen and grabbing out a tea bag while Zoe got her a mug. Zoe took the tea bag from Frankie without comment and poured the hot water, stirring and taking out the tea bag before adding a splash of milk. She left the mug for Frankie before getting her own and heading into the living room. Frankie noted the book lying out on the table as they sat down beside each other on the couch, trying to figure out which book it was from the back cover before Zoe spoke.

“So why the impromptu visit?” Zoe asked with a calmness that immediately had Frankie grasping for an explanation she couldn’t find.

She looked up at Zoe, sitting a foot away but facing her - curled up in the corner of her couch calmly sipping her tea. Her eyes turned to the tea cupped between her own hands as she tried to formulate a reason out of the confusion in her mind.

"I...uh... I saw Sarah," she admitted, watching Zoe's composure crack as she untucked her legs and sat up straighter.

Zoe met her eyes, determination and a barely shielded fear as she visibly swallowed.

"I wish you hadn't," she replied simply, taking another sip of her tea before putting it down. "What did she have to say?" Zoe added, clearing her throat before meeting Frankie's eyes in challenge.

Despite all of their conflicts Frankie had never felt the force of Zoe's real strength until this moment. She realised that whatever had happened had made Zoe more aware of herself than she had possibly ever been.

Frankie swallowed hard before looking down, taking a sip of her tea in a play for time. "Why don't you tell me what happened," she finally countered.

Zoe looked away casually. "The details are between Sarah and I but the fallout is that we won’t be seeing each other anymore," she explained matter-of-factly, but Frankie could hear the pain behind her voice.

"You don't seem very broken up about it," Frankie pointed out.

Zoe folded her hands in her lap and looked at her interlinked fingers intently. "Because Sarah was right. I need time to.... find myself," she explained, rolling her eyes as her use of the last phrase.

"And what have you found," Frankie asked with a forced chuckle.

Zoe's eyes caught hers, clear and sharp, and Frankie felt a rushing in her stomach, like the world was flying out from under her. Zoe looked away again but Frankie was left with that feeling of disquiet, of something shifting on its axis. Sarah’s words floated through her mind unbidden: _'If you weren't so damn straight you might realise exactly what you mean to each other.'_

“I don’t know yet,” Zoe replied, looking at her hands again before leaning forward and taking a sip of her tea. It felt like a lie, like Zoe was hiding something, but even the part of Frankie that wanted to push realised the impulse lacked foundation, that no matter what else was going on she needn’t be worried about Zoe tonight.

“I should go,” Frankie offered, drinking a large gulp of her tea before standing.

“Satisfied I’m not going to punch a mirror?” Zoe teased blandly, but there was something more in her tone, something that warmed Frankie from the inside - trust and hope and fear.

Frankie forced a wry grin. “Something like that,” she offered, and it wasn’t so different from their usual repartee except that there was something below the surface Frankie was afraid to examine.

Zoe got up, following Frankie to the door.

“Sleep well,” Zoe offered as Frankie left.

Frankie nodded. “You too, Zoe.”

*

Frankie tried to sleep but the whole evening had been surreal. She forced herself to face the implications of all she had heard. Sarah implied that Zoe still harboured some feelings for her, even now. She had autopilot-ed to Zoe’s for what? To see if it was true? There was certainly something Zoe was no longer running from. But it was more than just that. Zoe’s gaze caught something in her, pinned it up for display and it was just a matter of time before she would have to look at it.

* * *

Zoe went back to her book but even as she read the words she realised she wasn’t comprehending them, wasn’t paying the least bit of attention to what they meant. If she hadn’t been sure before, she knew it now: although she had gotten over her rule-defying need to connect with Frankie, there was a part of her that still longed for her presence. Her mind wanted to skitter away from it, bury it again, but she forced it into the light of her consciousness and held it there, forcing herself to accept it, hoping that by doing so she could move on and they could be friends without her having to constantly worry about making her uncomfortable.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last two chapters guys - I wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone for reading, commenting and again to **Midlifelez** for the beta (anything remaining is all me) - I am so incredibly overwhelmed by the response and hope the rest does not disappoint.

* * *

 

She wasn’t avoiding Zoe _per se_ ; they still met most mornings but the conversation never felt like anything more than pretext. They still had work-related meetings but Frankie stopped lingering before or after, distancing herself for reasons she didn’t allow herself to think about.

It was a few weeks later that she arrived at Mrs. Stevens's to find Angie meeting her at the door.

"I arrived late and she was already gone," she informed her evenly.

After a recent stroke, Mrs Stevens had another in a long line of chest infections which had quickly become pneumonia - she had been made palliative a week before.

Frankie followed Angie into the bedroom.

"I've called Zoe - you okay to take over?" Angie asked as she turned to her and Frankie felt herself pause.

Angie narrowed her eyes. "What is it?"

Frankie shook her head, forcing a smile to cover the influx of thoughts. "It's nothing."

"I have no idea what’s up with you two, you're at each other's throats, then best buds, now whatever this is. Do me a favour and sort it for the patients okay?" Her words were forceful but not angry as she removed her gloves. "You good here?"

"Of course," Frankie nodded with a mock salute.

"Oh get over yourself Maddox," Angie replied with the trace of a smile as she turned and left the room.

Frankie heard the front door shut and started tidying the blankets and medicines and liquids that littered the various surfaces out of necessity. She didn't have to wait long to hear the door open again, recognising Zoe's gait.

"I came as soon..." she began before she properly entered the room and saw Frankie.

"Angie had to run to her next appointment," Frankie explained.

Zoe nodded, pursing her lips and moving past her to Mrs. Stevens.

"Did she confirm death?"

Frankie grabbed for the notes. "Uhhh not that I can see," she replied hesitantly before putting them back down.

Zoe raised her eyebrows, unimpressed as she ferreted around for her stethoscope. She checked Mrs. Stevens’s heart and lungs before handing the stethoscope over to Frankie and picking up the notes.

"I've been avoiding you," Frankie admitted as she checked Mrs Stevens’s vitals, her eyes squarely on the patient. The words had been running through her head on loop and the fact that she had finally spoken them made her feel like her throat was closing, her heart speeding up as she tentatively glanced up - clearing her throat before confirming death.

"I don't think this is the place," Zoe replied without looking up from the notes as she made an entry.

"Because Mrs Stevens is going to report us for unprofessional behaviour," Frankie replied flippantly as she put the stethoscope on top of Zoe’s bag.

“If you want to do this now, fine,” Zoe replied, grabbing Frankie’s arm and pulling her into the living room.

Frankie met Zoe’s eyes with obstinate annoyance as she shook her arm free but Zoe only looked down as she crossed her arms over her chest and Mrs. Stevens’s notes, steeling herself. She sighed and Frankie saw her shift from her work persona to something softer, truer.

"I know you've been avoiding me," she acknowledged as she looked up and handed the notes over for Frankie's signature, "and why - it's okay," she confirmed as she met Frankie’s eyes. And Frankie was surprised by how much Zoe meant that, how confident and comfortable she really was. Frankie also noticed how much she missed that small thing, Zoe really looking at her.

"How do you know why?" Frankie asked petulantly as she signed the notes. Not sure what she was fighting for or against but knowing she needed to fight.

"Well I know what Sarah believed and after speaking to her you started avoiding me,” Zoe pointed out. "And it's okay," she reiterated calmly, looking down for a moment before meeting Frankie's eyes again, her lips forming a smile that didn't make it to her eyes.

"How can you say that?" Frankie asked, eyes furrowed, anger tilting her speech as she put the notes down on the nearby sideboard.

"It's okay because you are the only reason I am here, living my life,” Zoe began with a truer, if stilted, smile. “You were there for me when no one else was and so I don't begrudge you anything. Even if it means I can no longer have your friendship."

That last line made panic rise in Frankie’s throat, confusion contorting her face. She watched Zoe's expression change from one of determined resignation to curiosity and Frankie felt something change between them, the enforced distance falling away to leave them with something like their prior ease, but weightier.

Frankie’s breathing felt harder as she took a step away, turning and sitting in the seat behind where she had stood, thoughts racing.

"You don't have to worry about me anymore," Zoe repeated encouragingly, and Frankie could feel her eyes on her.

She looked up, seeing the confusion still written across Zoe’s face.

"What if I like to worry about you?" she uttered softly.

"What?" Zoe said it as if she hadn’t heard. She crouched before her, "what did you say?" she repeated quieter, curiously.

Frankie met Zoe's eyes, let herself be dragged down into the depths of them and in that moment she realised what she meant, what she had avoided recognising for so long.

"I don't want to stop worrying about you and I don't want to be avoiding you anymore," she resolved before biting her lower lip, the beating of her heart resonating in her ears.

"What are you saying?" Zoe asked, brows furrowed, gaze intent.

Frankie exhaled, trying to find the right words to identify exactly what it was she was feeling, knowing she had to be honest for both their sakes. She dropped her eyes to her lap before raising them again.

"I care about you and I can't stop it, I can’t not care about you," she admitted, the words not quite holding the admission she knew they both needed; not capturing the pull she felt in Zoe’s presence.

Zoe pressed her lips together and nodded, standing and turning her back to Frankie.

"I can't do this with you," Zoe muttered, back still turned.

Frankie jumped up, her hand on Zoe's arm causing her to turn. "You don't understand," Frankie countered, fear coiling inside her at the thought she would lose Zoe because she couldn’t explain the feelings she was only now allowing to surface.

"No, _you_ don't understand," Zoe snapped as she spun, "you can't just look at me like that and tell me you care and not expect it to hurt because it isn't what I think it is."

She was staring at her now, anger and pain flaring in her eyes. Frankie reached out to touch her cheek, needing the contact as much as she needed something to comfort her. Zoe flinched, turning her cheek away before hesitantly allowing the touch.

"Look at me," Frankie whispered and Zoe did, lips forming a distrustful grimace.

“You're not imagining this," she confirmed as she drew towards her, her heart racing as the desperate search for words fell away in the clarity of action.

And as their lips touched she realised it didn‘t matter that she had never recognised her attraction to women, there was something undeniably right in that moment and everything else disappeared in the wake of that truth.

* * *

Zoe felt her breath catch as Frankie took a half step forward, eyes falling to Zoe's lips as the intention rushed through her in hope, want and disbelief. She felt Frankie's fingers slide past her cheek to the back of her neck as she was pulled down into a tentative meeting of their lips, the feel of it so different than any previous, lips responsive against her own. She felt the electric rush within her, wanting contact as she moved her hands to Frankie’s waist before her brain reminded her where she was and what she most definitely should not be doing. She pushed Frankie away gently by her hips and watched the other woman’s searching eyes meet her own in concern. She leaned in again, touching their foreheads as she smiled broadly, Frankie smiling in return.

“I told you," Frankie whispered.

The door bell rang and they broke apart.

"I'll get it," Frankie offered in a nervous rush as she scurried out of the room.

Zoe picked up the notes from the sideboard and looked to see if anything else had been disturbed, momentarily wondering how something that had changed her life could have so little impact on the room around it, before returning to her deceased patient.

When Frankie returned to Mrs Stevens with the undertakers Zoe was looking at the notes intently, her eyes actually focusing on the nothing before them. She closed them as they entered and put them on the bedside table.

"You can handle this, yes, Nurse Maddox?" she asked, working hard to keep the smile from her face.

The corner of Frankie's mouth quirked as she assented, pressing her lips together to stop the betrayal of her professionalism so clear in her eyes.

"Thank you," she muttered with an intentional gruffness as she picked up her bag and left the house.

She got a text from Frankie a few hours later.

_‘Dinner?’_

_‘Only if I'm cooking,’_ Zoe replied.

_‘Yours then,’_ came the instant response.

_‘I should be home by 7:30,’_ Zoe added.

_‘See you then,’_ Frankie replied.

As she locked her phone she felt the nerves bundle up inside her gut. She pushed them away. On some levels it was all new, but in other ways it was the same as it had always been. It was Frankie, and if there was anyone she could be herself around it was the person who had already seen her through some of the most problematic times of her life.

The nerves faded but the smile remained.

* * *

Frankie spent the rest of the day distracted by the memory of Zoe's lips against hers, soft and electric. She occasionally found herself staring into space when she was supposed to be completing paperwork, her pen tracing her lips until the memory became too vivid and turned into fantasy of what could be. The spike of desire that came with these daydreams surprised her, but she now recognised the way even their second kiss had lingered on her lips and acknowledged that none of this was truly new, it had just been masked. She had spent so much time making sure Zoe was okay, coming up with innocent excuses to see her, she hadn‘t even realised how much of it had been her _wanting_ to spend time together.

When she finally stood in front of Zoe’s door, in a change of clothes with dessert in hand, it was with the fluttering of nerves accosting her - fear and anticipation vying for attention.

But in the end almost nothing had changed. Zoe still mock-bossed her around, getting her to chop the vegetables as Frankie pretended it was the hardest job. She in turned teased Zoe by changing the radio station on her until Zoe gave up her evening news for a Ken Bruce replay.

What had changed was the extent of casual touching, each contact imbued with new meaning. Zoe's hand on Frankie's hip to warn her she was there as she walked behind her in the kitchen lacked its usual hesitance, hands lingered on arms when trying to get the other’s attention and Frankie held Zoe's hand as Zoe held a spoon aloft to have her taste the sauce.

"Needs some paprika," Frankie levelled, deadpan, trying to distract herself from the way Zoe’s proximity was affecting her.

Zoe raised her eyebrow as she pulled the spoon away and Frankie could feel the ghosting remnants of the touch. "Do you even know what paprika is?" She questioned, "because it most definitely does not go in a cheese sauce," she clarified with a chuckle.

"Not the foggiest," Frankie confirmed, "and that tastes good."

They ate dinner in relative silence, Frankie not realising how hungry she had been, eating eventually interspersed with the particulars of their respective days. When they finished, Frankie cleared the table as Zoe followed her into the kitchen and took out the individual tubs of chocolate pudding Frankie had brought.

"I had a craving," Frankie shrugged as Zoe unpacked it, raising her eyebrows as she leaned against the counter beside the fridge.

Frankie grabbed spoons before handing one to Zoe, who gave her a pudding in exchange, and leaning opposite her.

"I haven't had these since the boys were young. They used to clean out the containers with their fingers when they thought I wasn't looking," she remembered with a smile on her face, the freedom of her happiness resonating within Frankie.

She unpeeled the lid and Frankie did the same, licking the bits on the cover before looking up, Zoe watching her with a smirk.

"They did that too," she pointed out, but her voice was deeper - a hint of tension in it.

They ate in silence for a moment, Frankie polishing hers off before catching the measured way Zoe was relishing each spoonful. She stood transfixed, the air around them changing as she watched Zoe take the spoon in her mouth, lips sealing in the chocolate as she withdrew the spoon with a look of clear enjoyment. Frankie pulled her eyes away, dipping her finger in the remnants of her pot and watching Zoe until she looked up - putting her chocolate-covered finger in her mouth and slowly withdrawing it. On the surface she had been goading her about that last bit of chocolate, missed otherwise, because antagonising her, even teasingly, was a role she knew how to play. Yet the look of barely hidden want on Zoe’s face felt like success even as it shot straight through her and skittered over her skin like thousands of light electrical shocks.

"You're such a child - is it better that way?" Zoe asked, her words low and gravelly.

Frankie, spurred on by the sound of Zoe’s voice and the desire in her eyes, put her empty container and spoon on the island behind her and took a step forward, in Zoe’s space but still far enough away to be vaguely polite, before slowly putting her finger in Zoe's dessert and holding it up to her.

"You tell me."

Zoe met her eyes, a challenge within that was very familiar despite the context, before leaning forward and taking the finger in her mouth. Frankie immediately felt heat flare up inside her, the desire that had been relatively under control flooding her as she exhaled shakily.

Zoe slowly pulled herself away, lips wrapped around the finger until the release made a wet sucking noise.

She met Frankie's eyes, mirroring her fire.

"I can see the appeal," she offered, putting her dessert on the counter behind her as she leaned in to Frankie's lips.

Frankie felt hands on her hips pulling her closer as she met Zoe's lips, the taste stoking her desire as she reached up to tangle her fingers in Zoe's hair. Their tongues met, tentative for a moment before duelling, exploring as Frankie felt fingers rucking up the fabric of her shirt. Zoe broke the kiss, breath heavy, eyes intense, as she met Frankie's gaze.

“I’m sorry,” she said breathlessly as she tried to take a step back.

Frankie shook her head and grabbed Zoe’s retreating arms. “Don’t you dare apologise, this is not just you,” she confirmed as she met Zoe’s eyes.

“But we shouldn’t… you only…”

Frankie raised a hand to Zoe’s face, cupping her cheek. “Listen to me,” she instructed, “If you need time then I will give you whatever you need. If you’re worried about me then don’t. This might be new to me but I don’t need to understand it to know it’s what I want. I care about you, I trust you, and I’ve spent most of the bloody day fantasising abou…”

Zoe closed the space between them, cutting off Frankie’s words with her mouth before ducking her head and kissing along her jaw to the spot below her ear that always drove Frankie wild. She squirmed in Zoe's grasp as Zoe trailed her kisses lower, her hands moving upward from her hips.

Frankie's hands went to the buttons on Zoe's blouse, frantically trying to undo the pearl-effect fasteners that continually slid from her grasp.

"You seem to be having some trouble there," Zoe whispered in her ear, breath hot. She leaned back and began to unbutton her shirt, Frankie's body instantly itching for renewed contact. Frankie held her eyes for a moment before her attention was dragged downward, Zoe slowly exposing an expanse of skin and a pale pink satin bra.

* * *

Although it was meant as a measure of expediency Zoe realised the almost-exhibitionism of her action as she saw Frankie’s eyes hungrily follow the path of her fingers. She unbuttoned the last, feeling a moment of self-consciousness at her exposure that duelled with her need to be revealed, to release herself to Frankie's hands physically as she so often had emotionally.

Frankie didn't hesitate, her hands almost pouncing on the newly exposed skin as Zoe felt them slide along her sides and up her back. She let the shirt fall away, Frankie’s mouth moving from her neck to her shoulder as she bit her lip against the noises building in her throat.

"Bed," she muttered, a husky whisper.

Frankie kissed a line along her shoulder to her collarbone, pulling down the bra strap before looking up.

"Couch?" she countered and Zoe nodded emphatically as Frankie's hand slid down her arm to her hand, interlocking their fingers before she stepped away, pulling her in the direction of the living room.

When they arrived Zoe pushed Frankie down on the couch without preamble, knees on either side as Frankie leaned into her stomach, nipping the skin there as Zoe let out a strangled hum. She sat down on Frankie's lap, claiming her lips again as her arms wrapped around her before grabbing at the fabric between them and raising it over Frankie's head, forcing them to separate.

Frankie met her eyes then, concern sobering the lust.

"What do you want?" Frankie asked and the honesty in her gaze paired with the need to please so evident in her voice made Zoe's eyes prick with emotion.

She leaned in to her ear, ignoring the voice that urged politeness or restraint, instead revelling in her own desire, knowing whatever happened she was safe. "I want your fingers inside me," she uttered, the words alone making her shiver with need.

Frankie's hands were instantly at her trousers, unfastening, unzipping and sliding them off her hips before shifting them both sideways, Zoe laying beside her on the couch as Frankie pulled the trousers down and off.

Frankie met her eyes then and she bit her lip at the hunger in them as Frankie’s head ducked lower, lips grazed her hip, kissing inward as fingers looped over her undies.

She felt a flash of panic then, that she would succumb to the same issue she had with Sarah but so much of this felt different. There had been no real worry, no anxiety that anything could change what Frankie thought of her.

As Frankie's fingers found the wetness between her thighs she groaned, loud and needy as her hands grasped at the couch cushion. She felt Frankie’s fingers enter her as a moment of perfection that was quickly followed by something more visceral, Frankie taking a minute to find her rhythm. She pulled out for a moment before adding a third finger, filling her as she drove deeper and Zoe felt more than heard the encouragement leaving her mouth in a rushed muddle of broken sentences. She pushed herself harder on Frankie's fingers, needing the complete ruin they promised as something unknowable drove her on. She felt a tongue flick against her clit before lips encompassed it, sucking gently as Zoe felt the wholeness rush over her and she came with a desperate whine.

When she came to her senses Frankie's fingers were still inside her and she could feel herself pulsing against them. She reached out for her, pulling her up for a kiss as she felt Frankie carefully withdraw her fingers.

And Frankie tasted even sweeter as their lips met with an unexpected tenderness.

"You okay?" Frankie asked when the kiss broke, brushing aside her fringe with her dry hand and looking at her intently.

Zoe nodded, not sure she would ever have the words for what she felt right now. A tear fell from her eye and she realised she was crying. She wiped her eyes as Frankie's expression mutated to concern.

Zoe pulled her closer again until their lips were centimetres apart.

"You are perfect," she uttered simply as she eased her finger along the edge of Frankie's face.

Frankie smiled as she leaned in to kiss her again and Zoe shifted, her knee accidentally hitting Frankie between her legs. She could feel the heat through Frankie's jeans as Frankie gave a cry strangled by the kiss. She moved her knee away before moving it towards her softly, alternately pressing and releasing until Frankie broke the kiss panting with need. She watched Frankie sit up, unbuttoning her own jeans before relieving herself of them and stretching herself beside Zoe again, the full body contact inflaming her need to see Frankie shattered apart and rebuilt by her hands.

* * *

She hadn't expected tears but there was something infinitely beautiful about Zoe laid bare before her, smiling so unreservedly with tears edging her eyes.

The jarring of Zoe's knee reminded her just how wet she was and she felt the cry vibrate in her throat as Zoe began teasing her mercilessly with pressure and absence. She discarded her trousers in a rush before laying against Zoe again and relieving herself of her bra, wanting the contact of skin, as Zoe followed suit.

Their mouths clashed in teeth and tongues as Zoe's hands mapped her back possessively, finger tips becoming nails as she shifted Frankie on top of her. Zoe's mouth found her neck and shoulder before sinking lower, Frankie forced to support her own weight as Zoe pulled a nipple into her mouth. Frankie bit her lip against the wave of electric pleasure that rippled through her as Zoe sucked hard before teasing it with her tongue, a moan escaping regardless as her eyes fell shut, needing release even as she wanted nothing more than this feeling of Zoe claiming her body. She felt fingers trace the hem of her undies and then pause. She forced herself to open her eyes, looking down to meet Zoe's gaze.

"You okay?" Zoe asked and Frankie leaned down to grab those lips in her own, a bruising kiss, before moving to her ear.

"Zoe if you don't get your fingers inside me right now I'm going to have to do it myself," she uttered in a breathy whisper before pushing herself up again, watching Zoe raise her eyebrows.

"Maybe next time," she replied with a smirk as Frankie felt fingers slide under the elastic of her undies and she shifted to allow them to come all the way off.

And then her eyes fell closed again as Zoe's fingers pressed up against her centre, coating themselves before sliding into her easily.

"God Frankie I can't believe how wet you are," Zoe whispered in reverent adoration as she slid two fingers deeper inside her. Frankie arched into it as Zoe began a rhythm, agonisingly slow but also exceptional, every thrust causing a wave of pleasure compounded by the last as Zoe kissed her way down and up her stomach.

She opened her legs wider, giving herself a wider base while enabling Zoe better access as she withdrew before adding another finger. She pushed herself harder on Zoe's fingers, the pain/pleasure agonisingly sweet as she shifted her weight on her left arm, already sore from supporting her, and reached down with her right as Zoe's lips moved from a newly punished nipple to her neck. Her fingers found the soft curls between Zoe's thighs before opening her eyes to meet Zoe's confused gaze.

"I want to feel you," she said as she watched Zoe's eye go deep with lust, nodding her head as she bit her lip.

Frankie found her even more wet than before as she slid her fingers inside her, Zoe arching into her touch as they found a rhythm together, arms straining but intent on this one goal. Frankie watched Zoe, challenging herself to hold her eyes as Zoe wordlessly did the same. She felt her grasp of herself slipping, concentrating only on making Zoe come with her as she felt the world fall out from beneath her in a pure intense moment of bliss.

* * *

Zoe watched Frankie lose all ability to focus as she came to her touch and yet Frankie’s fingers kept their rhythm until the last moment, straining against the force of her orgasm even as she tried to share it, to push Zoe to that end.

And Zoe was so close as Frankie hit that wall, Frankie’s fingers going slack inside her for the briefest of moments before continuing in a tribute to muscle memory. She felt herself collapse into it, body straining as she held on to every last fusion of pleasure, coming back to herself with Frankie still pulsing around her fingers, body slack on top of her.

Frankie lifted her head as Zoe tried to extricate her fingers.

"Ouch," she mouthed. "You need to cut your nails," she muttered with the drunkest smile Zoe had ever seen on her face as she reclaimed her own fingers and moved up to place a kiss on Zoe's lips.

Zoe raised her eyebrows. "You weren't complaining a moment ago," she teased, mentally making a note to cut them more regularly. "Can you reach the tissues?" she added.

Frankie looked over at the end table above Zoe's head, reaching with her dry hand before giving up and rolling off Zoe to get the box. She grabbed out two tissues for her own hand before handing Zoe the box as she did the same.

"Sorry if I hurt you," Zoe offered, belatedly, as Frankie discarded her tissues and crouched beside Zoe.

"I was kidding," Frankie confirmed as Zoe turned on her side, handing the tissues to Frankie who put them in the bin before crouching beside her again. "Mostly," she added with a wry smile.

"It was okay then?" Zoe asked softly, brushing a hair from Frankie's face.

Frankie laughed. "It was far more than okay," she uttered before biting her lip, her smile shining through her eyes.

Zoe returned the smile, her hand moving behind Frankie's neck as she pulled her in for a kiss, tender and soft. When she released the kiss Frankie was looking at her with want in her eyes.

"Bed?" She asked with clear intent. Zoe swallowed down the feeling that this was impossible and nodded.

"Can we shower first?" Zoe asked as Frankie led them up the stairs, feeling the cool air hit the sheen of sweat covering her skin before picturing the possibilities in the shower.

"But surely we'll just..." Frankie began before looking back and catching the mischievous expression Zoe could feel on her face.

"Yes. Yes we can," she responded as she turned from her initial path and took a step towards the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the finger licking scene may seem at odds with Zoe’s hand gel OCD (from ep 6?) but I always saw that as more a distraction from Frankie than the need to be clean beyond normal GP standards...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...um... this chapter is mostly smut. I was not expecting quite so much sex but I suppose it’s Zoe’s first actually sexually fulfilling relationship and Frankie, well Frankie is enjoying it… (sorry not sorry)

* * *

 

If Frankie had told herself a week before that she would be spending Wednesday night spreadeagled in Zoe Evans's shower while Zoe kissed and sucked a path from her calf to her thighs she would've laughed (and then probably had some vivid fantasies she would've ignored for the blaring alarm signals they would be). As it was, it was all she could do to remember her own name as Zoe's mouth found her clit, licking the flat part against it before sucking and licking again. She felt the edge of teeth graze her overly sensitive nerves and felt her legs shiver, hands propping herself against the shower wall as Zoe did it again, harder but not enough to hurt, before sucking in earnest.

And then Frankie was muttering, swearing, blaspheming as she fought to hold herself upright, the orgasm shuddering through her. When she returned to herself Zoe was holding her, half supporting her weight as the water cascaded over them both.

Despite the distractions it was only 22:00 when they found themselves in Zoe's bed, the carnality of their need replaced for the moment by the new and casual intimacy of being able to touch unobstructed skin.

"So what did Sarah say to you?" Zoe asked softly without looking at Frankie, laying on her back as Frankie lay on her side facing her and aimlessly tracing a line from her stomach to the cleft between her breasts.

Frankie stopped, her eyebrows furrowing as she tried to remember the exact words. "That if I hadn't been so straight I'd have recognised sooner," she recounted, attempting emotionlessness but the words stuck in her throat.

Zoe laughed crystal clear and full of mirth. "Well she was wrong about one thing,” she pointed out as she turned to face her.

Frankie raised her eyebrows, trying to figure out what she was referring to.

“That was clearly not your first time,” Zoe explained.

Frankie met her eyes, wide and confused as she nodded.

“Really?” Zoe replied, her expression impressed.

“Well it’s hardly rocket science is it,” she teased, “I get myself off often enough, so do that backwards and pay attention to the other person.”

“Mmmhumm,” Zoe replied and Frankie realised her eyes were trailing along her side.

“You’re not listening to me,” Frankie pointed out with a smirk.

Zoe snapped her eyes back to Frankie’s with a playfully guilty expression. “Just picturing you getting yourself off,” she admitted, a slight blush on her cheeks.

Frankie glared in mock anger before the smile took over her features.

“I might be able to arrange a personal viewing,” she offered with raised eyebrows, wondering what it was about Zoe that made her want this, to give every part of herself over to her. She had never done this for anyone else, but she would do anything for Zoe - and it wasn’t a new state of being, only an awareness of something longstanding between them.

Zoe's eyes immediately tracked her hand, which she lifted from the bed to edge along her thigh lightly to her hip, dipping down the hip bone briefly, a tease, before dancing across her ribs to her breasts, cupping the right one before easing her finger around her nipple. She watched Zoe as she did this, eyes tracking her movements, the rapt attention and desire on her face making every touch pregnant with meaning, as if her hand was just an extension of Zoe's gaze caressing her.

Her hand went higher, easing along her neck and jawbone before tracing her lips, one finger sliding inside her mouth before being drawn out and tracing her lips again. She brought her left hand to her unattended nipple as the right hand moved downward, tracing a line from her jaw through her breasts and across her stomach as her left hand continued its ministrations on her breast, jaw, hip, splaying across her with a tangible need as her right hand found the wetness between her thighs.

She felt the bed shift as Zoe’s body came up beside her, fingers grazing her cheek and wrapping around her neck before lacing in her hair and pulling her into a kiss - the electricity of want unmistakeable. Frankie stopped her actions, left hand grabbing for Zoe’s side, pulling her closer, her right hand poised between her thighs.

Zoe backed away. “Sorry, I’ve interfered,” she offered in pseudo apology as she trailed her hand down Frankie’s right arm and pushed her hand back against the wetness between her thighs.

Frankie’s breath hitched, her fingers sliding inside her as Zoe’s hand retreated. She was already so wet that the two fingers slid inside her easily and she pulled them out after a moment, adding a third with a low groan as she pushed them deeper with little regard for the state of her fingers. She could feel Zoe’s eyes on her, breathing erratic as she watched her, unable to keep her hands from wandering across naked skin absently as Frankie’s hand worked, the additional touch only making her more wanting. She pulled her fingers out again before replacing them, pulling them together and adding her pinky as she slid them all back in, arching into the touch as Zoe’s finger found her lips. She drew Zoe's finger into her mouth as her hand worked mercilessly inside her. She was close, her finger tips rubbing against that textured spot inside as her thumb tried for adequate pressure on her clit. She gave up hope in her thumb and moved her left hand, two fingers hitting the spot perfectly as she continued to drive her fingers inside her, knuckle deep. She was so close, depth, textured spot, clit, repeat, depth, textured spot, clit, repeat as she came with a strangled cry, quickly swallowed by Zoe’s lips.

* * *

Zoe would never get over how good this felt, splayed across her bed with Frankie's mouth between her thighs. It wasn't that James hadn't tried but he didn't understand the tenuous balance of pressure, too much pain would override the pleasure and make the whole endeavour untenable. Frankie on the other hand was an incredibly quick study, knowing exactly how hard to lick, how soft to suck, until she found herself bucking into her mouth, climax rushing through her.

Frankie slid up beside her, putting her head on Zoe's chest.

"Sleep. Now," Zoe uttered in the grogginess of post climax and exhaustion.

"You don't mind me staying then," Frankie confirmed as she put her hand on Zoe's chest and rested her chin on her hand.

Zoe opened one eye and glared at her.

"Well at least I asked. I'm more polite than some," Frankie reminded her with a smile. Zoe should've been annoyed but Frankie's warmth was infectious now that she had stopped fighting it.

"Ha ha," Zoe replied, unamused.

Frankie lifted her head, kissing a random spot on Zoe's lower ribs before getting out of bed.

"Come on," she encouraged, grabbing Zoe's hand, "you need to at least brush your teeth."

Zoe opened her eyes and begrudgingly left the bed, throwing her robe around her before pulling out some pyjamas for Frankie. She made her way to the bathroom as Frankie put on the matching trouser and shirt set of pale blue cotton, rummaging in a rarely used part of the cabinet for a spare toothbrush.

"Ah ha," she exclaimed victoriously as Frankie walked in, trouser legs rolled up.

"You really are short, aren't you?" Zoe commented.

"I'm normal sized I'll have you know. You’re the giraffe," Frankie bit back with a smirk as she took the toothbrush from Zoe’s outstretched hand.

Teeth brushed and face washed, Zoe threw on a top and some undies before diving back under the covers, Frankie taking the empty side and laying on her side facing Zoe.

“Is this going to be okay?” Frankie asked, honest concern in her tone.

Zoe rolled on her side to face her.

“I mean we have a meeting tomorrow. With Andy,” Frankie murmured the discontent easily visible on her face.

Zoe reached out to stroke her cheek. “Hey,” she replied soothingly. “No one needs to know tomorrow. Take it one day at a time - okay?” she offered.

Frankie nodded before turning over and turning off the bedside light, Zoe following suit.

“Goodnight Zoe.”

“Goodnight Frankie,” Zoe replied, her heart filling with the simple enjoyment of those words being uttered in her bedroom. She reached out, finding Frankie’s arm across the bed, taking comfort in the reality of it as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Frankie opened her eyes blearily and it took a moment for her to realise where she was. Once she did she instantly sat up, looking at the empty bed beside her as her thoughts ran amok with dozens of possibilities where Zoe was not okay.

She heard the light clatter of crockery and was somewhat relieved, getting out of bed and making her way downstairs.

She stood in the doorway for a moment, watching Zoe dry the last of the dishes from dinner before uttering a soft 'Morning'.

Zoe turned, smiling as she returned her tea towel to its hook before closing the distance between them, snaking her arm around Frankie's hip lightly and kissing her before backing off and heading for the still steaming coffee.

"I figured we'd have to forgo our usual so I made a pot," she informed Frankie as she poured some of the coffee into an empty mug. "How did you sleep?"

Frankie came over, wrapping her hands around the proffered cup and nodding. "Like a rock."

"You certainly don't snore like an inanimate object," Zoe pointed out, picking up her own mug and taking a sip before leaning against the counter with a grin.

"Hey!" Frankie exclaimed, pretending to be insulted before her expression sobered. "Hope it didn't keep you up."

Zoe put her mug down as the toaster popped behind her.

"No chance with the workout I had last night," she replied as she pulled out the bagel. "I don't have much by the way of breakfast options," she segued, referring to a second bagel waiting to be toasted.

"Bagel would be great, thank you," Frankie responded to the implicit question as Zoe put the other two halves in the toaster before hunting out some travel mugs for both of them with a comment about 'needing all the caffeine they could get'.

As Zoe packed up the bagels and made another pot, Frankie found her clothes and put them back on, leaving the borrowed ones in the bed.

"This is much better than cold pizza," she joked as Zoe saw her off home, coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other.

Zoe only shook her head. "What are you 35 going on 15?" She teased.

"34 going on 20 thank you very much," was Frankie’s riposte.

Zoe rolled her eyes as Frankie took a step forward and leaned up to kiss her - the brief kiss turning electric as Zoe pulled away.

"I have to go. You should too," she pointed out softly and Frankie nodded.

"See you later," she offered with a smile as Zoe opened the door for her and she exited.

As she drove home the bubble of unreality she had been living in with Zoe since yesterday began to bleed through to reality. And it felt both exhilarating and petrifying at the same time. She wasn't sure what was more confusing, the fact it was Zoe - beautiful, frustrating Zoe who happened to be a colleague - or the fact she now had to deal with what being with Zoe meant for how she had always seen herself. She wasn't gay, she liked men, enjoyed them when they weren't being stupid arseholes, and never really found herself attracted to women particularly. Was it just Zoe or had she just never noticed? And how was she going to tell Andy? Assuming there was more to it than just last night - but Frankie didn't think she had misjudged the situation that badly.

Coffee gone and bagel half eaten she was somehow still early for work.

* * *

“Good morning,” Zoe offered with a smile as she walked into her office late to find Angie there, having been warned by reception.

"Well someone is cheerful this morning," Angie offered, eyebrows raised.

"What can I do for you Angie?" she asked as she hung up her coat and dropped her bag by her desk before sitting and folding her hands.

"You asked me to meet you this morning since I can't make the meeting this afternoon," Angie pointed out.

"Of course," Zoe replied distractedly, shuffling through the files on her desk.

"Mrs Stevens of course you know. Did the transfer go smoothly?" Angie asked.

Zoe felt herself blush, remembering the events at Mrs Stevens's; she looked away, steeling her eyes and nodding.

"I reviewed her but left it with Frankie. I assume so," she said with a seeming nonchalance.

She looked up to see Angie looking at her oddly for a moment before looking back at her notes and launching into a run down of the rest of the patients.

Despite the usual frustrations the day flew by effortlessly and when Zoe looked up from lunch it was almost time for her weekly meeting with Frankie and Andy. She wondered what Andy would say when he found out. She had gone out of her way to gain back his respect in small measures and he would at least look at her now without disgust, but she still wasn't sure that equalled acceptance on any scale.

She wondered how they were going to pull this off, they had hardly been 100% professional at any stage of this relationship, and yet as they sat down together she realised she needn't have worried. Both she and Frankie played their parts well, and if Frankie was more stubborn than usual Zoe could see the challenge in it, the mischievous glint in her eye. And challenge her she did.

"You have a young girl on steroids blowing up like a balloon who might not need them. I remember that age, it's hard enough dealing with her health issues in the face of that without the side effects," Frankie argued and while Zoe disagreed with her she couldn’t help but appreciate the passion with which she fought her case.

"There is one respiratory physio who does outreach and even if Madeline gets treatment she’ll probably have to stay on steroids anyway,” Zoe explained. “I understand the hope but it's a finite resource that could be better applied to other cases.”

“But if we don’t insist on the need for it, it will always be a finite resource,” Frankie countered, and Zoe noted Andy snickering beside her.

"Can we take this offline? We have other cases to get through," Zoe offered, her voice conciliatory.

Frankie narrowed her eyes but nodded.

They were only ten minutes late finishing the meeting.

"Can I see you in my office please?" Zoe asked evenly when they had picked up their various files.

Frankie looked at Andy.

"I need the loo anyway; meet you in the car," Andy said as he turned and Zoe made for her office, Frankie a step behind her.

"If you think I'm going to let you give up on this girl..." Frankie began as they entered her office and she shut the door behind them.

"I wouldn't begin to presume," Zoe replied with a smile as she took the files from Frankie's arms and put both sets on her desk before leaning against her desk and grabbing Frankie's hand to pull her towards her.

"I'll do the referral but there will be no talk of weaning her off until we know treatment is working," she stated in whispered acquiescence as she met Frankie's eyes before lifting herself off the desk and leaning into her neck, kissing a line to her jaw as she revelled in the smell of her - sweet shampoo and sweat. "And I’ll talk to John about asking the CCG to support funding for additional resource," she whispered into her ear before pulling her earlobe into her mouth, sucking on it for the briefest moment before returning to her neck, kissing and nipping a patch to her collar and back before sucking enthusiastically at that spot below Frankie's ear.

She felt Frankie's hands tangle in her hair.

"By all that is holy Zoe you need to stop," Frankie exclaimed softly, her breathing laboured as she lightly tugged on Zoe's hair before dropping her hands entirely.

And Zoe did, leaning back and meeting her eyes, confused, only to have Frankie's hands at her cheeks and her lips against hers. She opened her mouth to Frankie's tongue, the taste of her quenching a thirst even as it awoke a seemingly insatiable hunger.

Frankie pulled away, breathing heavily, eyes to the floor. "Andy is waiting," she uttered, and it seemed to Zoe like she was talking to herself but she looked up and met Zoe's eyes, lust trapped behind attempted composure.

"Come to mine tonight," she whispered as she trailed her hand down Zoe's arm before holding her hand.

Zoe nodded, lips pressed together as she tamped down the now unmistakable need. She cleared her throat and looked down briefly as Frankie pulled her hand away, catching the loaded smile on her face as she turned and exited.

Zoe took a deep breath as the door shut, followed by another, the smile on her face spreading as she fought to return to her baseline.

* * *

“Well you certainly annoyed her today,” Andy remarked as Frankie slipped into the passenger’s side of his car.

Frankie kept her lips pressed together, trying to force away the smile rippling to the surface. She could feel her eyes go wide as she nodded in an attempt at nonchalance.

Andy narrowed his eyes. “What happened in there? You get a tongue lashing?" he asked and Frankie felt her cheeks go warm as she remembered herself spread eagled with Zoe's mouth between her thighs.

Andy's face fell. "You okay?" he asked with unexpected concern as she fought to keep her face neutral.

"Yeah, fine," she replied with a forced calm smile.

Andy narrowed his eyes further, dropping them to her neck as he moved aside her hair.

"What is that Frankie?" he asked.

Frankie's hand went to her neck, feeling the bruise on the sensitive skin where Zoe's mouth was moments ago. "Nothing," she replied, realising belatedly how daft that sounded.

Andy raised his eyebrows.

"Either I'm blind or you didn't have that when we went in...."

She saw him try to understand that seeming contradiction.

"You seeing someone at the practice?" he asked, continuing before she could respond. "She like to watch?" he added with a rueful bitterness.

Frankie stared at him open mouthed, caught between the unlikely truth and the ever more ridiculous story he was concocting, watching his expression as he worked it through before the realisation caught him.

"Or it was Zoe?" he asked with clear distain, brow furrowed.

Frankie felt her cheeks blush hot.

"God Frankie, is this some version of Stockholm syndrome? Do you not remember what she put you through? I mean be friends for all I care - I can't stop you from being friendly with a colleague but are you insane?"

Frankie felt the anger boiling up inside her.

"You don't have a damn say in who I see and if you think you do we are not the friends I have always thought us to be. Stop tripping over your fragile male ego and get us back to the office."

Andy exhaled in clear annoyance, shaking his head as he turned the key in the ignition.

The tension in the car was palpable - anger, frustration, betrayal and sadness as Frankie realised that something that had seemed immutable had shifted between them.

They were half way back to the office when Andy opened his mouth again, speaking with an unexpected calm.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked softly.

Frankie felt the breath pass her lips in an 'hurumph' before she could moderate it. "You explode like that and you wonder why I didn't tell you right away? I wasn't going to keep it from you forever it's just… very new," Frankie replied, the anger fading from her voice as she spoke.

Andy nodded, silent for a moment before speaking again.

"You lied to me," he stated and although it wasn't an accusation she could hear the betrayal in his voice.

"When?" Frankie asked patiently.

"You said you weren't gay," he pointed out, meeting her eyes for a moment before returning to the road.

Frankie paused before responding. "I don't think I am - at least not solely. It's news to me too. I didn't mean to lie to you."

Andy nodded silently and although the silence remained the tension in it had broken to a subdued sadness.

* * *

Zoe walked up the steps to Frankie's door, a brown pleather overnight bag slung over her shoulder. She hesitated at the door, the seeming unreality of the whole situation washing over her before she steeled herself and knocked.

She heard extended shuffling beyond the door before Frankie answered, still in her uniform, her breathing laboured.

"You were trying to tidy," Zoe accused her with a smile as Frankie let her in.

Frankie's lips pressed together as she nodded.

"Well if I had known that would've worked I would've tried getting you in bed ages ago," Zoe teased as she dropped her bag in the hallway before hanging up her coat.

"Not sure that's funny yet," Frankie pointed out with raised eyebrows, "Andy actually mentioned 'Stockholm syndrome' when he found out but 'Ha Ha'," she replied oozing sarcasm.

Zoe turned to her sombrely, hating the pain behind Frankie’s words. She placed her hand along Frankie's jaw and kissed her briefly.

"I'm so sorry," she offered, "tell me what happened."

She listened to Frankie relate her earlier conversation with Andy as they ate, wincing at 'likes to watch' and wondering if she would ever outrun her past actions.

"I think we are mostly okay," Frankie concluded. "It was never going to be easy was it?" she offered with a smile. But Zoe knew Frankie's smiles and this one held a hint of sadness that pained her to see.

"Why would you do any of this for me?" she whispered before realising she’d said it aloud. "I don't deserve you."

The realisation of how true that statement felt drove into her chest like a cold spike. She put her fork down, trying to compose the pain rushing to the surface.

"Zoe Evans," Frankie commanded and Zoe realised she had stood and was gazing at her with fear and anger in equal portions. "Don't you dare let Andy or anyone else make you think you are not worthy," she demanded before moving next to her, taking her hand and crouching down beside her. "You are beyond worthy just because of how hard you try to be better. And I know you're not perfect, neither am I."

Zoe gave a snorted laugh. "I suppose your domestic skills leave something to be desired," she teased.

Frankie nodded, a smile breaking across her face. It used to make her so cross, Frankie smiling like the world held anything but pain and frustration, but now it warmed her, gave her hope. She nodded, looking down of their entangled hands before looking up at Frankie again.

"Thank you," she said.

Frankie withdrew her hands. "Anytime."

When they finished eating Frankie insisted on doing the dishes she usually left for days - blaming Zoe's dig about her domestic abilities.

Zoe stood beside her drying the first couple of dishes before getting distracted by Frankie's neck and the mark she had left there.

"Your hair is usually down right?" she asked and Frankie nodded.

"Hair doesn't always stay put though," she responded as Zoe brushed aside the hair from the back of her neck, watching the hairs stand on end as she leaned in and blew gently against the them. She chuckled as Frankie shivered, before kissing the spot below her hairline, pushing the collar away to cover the rear of her neck in open mouth kisses before grazing her teeth along the skin.

Frankie was stock-still and Zoe leaned back, noticing the dish that was waiting for her to dry and moving to pick it up.

Frankie let out a shuddered breath. "You can just switch like that eh?" she muttered.

"You insisted on doing the dishes," Zoe countered with a smile, finishing with the dish and expectantly looking at the dwindling pile beside Frankie.

Frankie smiled thin lipped as she took the next plate, washing it before slowly passing it to Zoe with two hands, one dropping to the inside of Zoe's arm as she lightly traced a soapy line of warm water from her mid-arm to her wrist. She met Zoe's eyes intently, Zoe trying not to react to the combination of touch and gaze as she took the plate and dried it before easing her body slowly against Frankie's, her free hand wrapping around her waist for a moment as she made to put the plate away in the cupboard.

And they continued like that, adding every possible measure of contact until Zoe could see the heady need in Frankie's eyes and knew it was paralleled in her own. When Frankie had finished the last plate she put it in the strainer instead of giving it to Zoe and turned, linking her fingers through Zoe's belt loops and turning them both so that Zoe had her pinned against the counter that had been beside her. Frankie released Zoe's trousers before sitting herself up on the edge and grabbing her into a crushing kiss. Zoe felt the need she had been moderating swamp her, hands speedily finding her way to the hem of Frankie's uniform top as she broke the kiss to lift it off, feeling Frankie's lips return to her neck as she muted a moan between clenched teeth. She pulled away, looking at Frankie in front of her, so ready and wanting.

"Do you trust me?" she asked, voice soft and ragged.

Frankie nodded.

"Lay down," she instructed as she went to the wine rack at the other end of the counter and moved it and all other items from the surface, allowing Frankie to lay down.

"Take off your bra," she instructed, enjoying the way Frankie only looked at her curiously before wordlessly complying.

She ran the tap for a moment before taking a clean glass and filling it with a drop of dishwashing liquid and the warm water. She took the glass, dipping her hand in it and scooping up some water and suds as she moved to Frankie's supine form and dripped the water drops down the cleft between her breast before dabbing the suds on her hardening nipples.

She watched the water pool at her neck and trail down her stomach as she added more drops to the already existing streams, drawing new tributaries across her stomach. Frankie squirmed, disrupting the flow and Zoe put the glass beside the sink before holding her hips down pointedly.

"Stay still," she instructed evenly as she shot her a look.

The water had wet the edge of Frankie's trousers and Zoe unbuttoned them with a utilitarian efficiency as she met Frankie's eyes for consent before tugging them down and off. She trailed her wet fingers across Frankie's ankles, up her shins, circling her knees before gently parting her thighs.

* * *

There was a brief moment when Frankie thought Zoe had lost her mind, but she wasn't crazy. She was very efficiently making every bit of Frankie’s skin sensitive, singing for the release promised by her fingers. As much as she wanted the contact of her skin she couldn't deny Zoe's intent or execution as she had an increasingly difficult time keeping herself still, pliable to Zoe's objective. When Zoe's hands slid up her thighs she couldn't stop the half whimper that came out of her mouth, needy and desperate as she jammed her wrist in her mouth to stop herself from twitching. Still Zoe persisted with the meandering path towards her (hopefully) inevitable aim, feather light, until Frankie could no longer play the long game. She pushed herself up on her elbows, narrowly missing hitting her head on the cabinet, and glared at Zoe. Zoe only chuckled but she could hear the guttural depth to it, she was far from unaffected.

“If I die of old age before you get to the point I’m coming back to haunt you,” Frankie uttered, desperation in her voice.

Zoe held Frankie’s eyes as her fingers slid down the front of her thighs and then back up the inside, stopping short and going back to her knee before returning and stopping short again but slightly closer to the need between her thighs.

“Is that so?” she replied as Frankie’s eyes fell closed, Zoe’s fingers closer still.

“Mmmhmm..” Frankie muttered, not cognisant of anything beyond the soft friction of those finger tips as she lay back down.

She felt a ghost of a breath cool against the awaiting heat, an agonising not-touch as a low growl escaped her throat.

“Then maybe I should get on it with,” Zoe whispered as Frankie felt the sweet pressure of fingers press inside her.

She bolted up, pushing herself to the edge of the breakfast bar and bucked into them, wanting, needing the fulfilment they promised. Zoe slid them out before replacing them with another, Frankie’s skin erupting in tingling shocks as she bucked into the girth of Zoe’s hand wantonly.

She was only vaguely aware she was talking, a string of half conscious words and expletives as she felt the building pleasant pressure all over, nearly losing her rhythm as Zoe’s mouth closed over a nipple. She wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to stand this, the building insistence all over her body that made wanting feel like breathing, a single bodily imperative. She gave herself over to it, not caring or worrying about what lie beyond and in that moment felt the peak of the cascade that rumbled through her, an avalanche of bliss that set her bodily alight.

The first thing she heard when she came back to her senses was her breathing, heavy against Zoe’s chest. One hand was around her back, supporting her, the other still inside her. Zoe slid it out carefully but Frankie still winced, her hands tight on the edge of the counter.

“Sorry, may have gotten carried away,” Zoe apologised as she steadied Frankie before going to wash her hand.

“Humuummm,” Frankie heard leave her mouth, not the words she had intended. She cleared her throat and looked up, shaking her head.

“I’ll have to keep a list of ways to make you non-verbal,” Zoe teased. “Although I suppose most aren’t really something I can initiate at work,” she added. “I take it you enjoyed that then.”

Frankie nodded before laying back down, her eyes falling closed. She heard Zoe come up beside her.

“Have I incapacitated you?” she asked.

“Just gimme five,” she slurred together, opening one eye to see Zoe watching her with a bright widening smile.

* * *

Zoe wasn’t sure which she preferred, slowly driving Frankie to an intense climax, feeling her body succumb under her touch, or this. Frankie might’ve lacked patience but she made up for it with enthusiasm and the seeming need to leave no inch of skin unmarked. It was unmethodical, the teeth and nails that wandered her body claiming every perch, but the very passion behind it, the raw need filled her heart with unparalleled joy as her body reacted.

It was the trust in both that made the experiences so intense, the former allowed her to want with impunity and play that want out in real time while the latter allowed her to let go of everything and just be as her body collapsed under Frankie's touch.

She lay there afterwards, wordlessly staring at Frankie, their gazes locked. An infinity loop of contentment where the only noise was their regular breathing.

*

It was odd for a while, the transition from holding on to this secret thing inside her, the part of her who had loved Frankie without being able to recognise it, to telling her boys, her colleagues. She smiled more, their relationship healing something in her that had been broken for so long. It had taken a while for Ian to accept, longer for Andy but that happened eventually too. Frankie made a concerted effort to keep her house tidier, which Zoe noted with a smile whenever she visited. The cooking was a work in progress but Frankie was actually much better at it than she gave herself credit for. Zoe still fought with her feelings of inadequacy but stayed in therapy, Frankie always there when anything began to overwhelm her. And so life wove anew from the strange seeming partnership.

A few months after she told them about Frankie, she finally had Jeremy and Will over for dinner. It would be the first time they met her. She worried it would be odd for all concerned but as she finished up dinner she heard the telltale sound of their old game system booting up. She peeked out a moment later to see them all sitting on the couch with controllers in hand. Frankie heard her and looked over.

"Going to whip your boys in Mario Kart," she explained with a smile.

"Going to be sadly mistaken is what you'll be," Will remarked jovially.

"Dinner will be in ten," Zoe said with a mock frown before returning to the kitchen.

And it wasn't the perfect life she had planned - it was better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what about Sarah... well, because this was Zoe-centred I didn't really feel that any more focus on her really fit in with the narrative (but I might be working on a fluffy post-this domestic piece that deals with re-building Z's friendship with Sarah (among other things)).
> 
> What? Did I say something? Nosiree, not me.. ; )


End file.
